What the?

Its a BLOG! And Apparently, I'm supposed to write in it on a frequent, or at least semi-regularly fashion...apparently thats another one of the things I fail at. #loserstatus

Anywho kittles, greetings and Happy Festivus! That's right! It's December 23, meaning its Festivus! I have my Festivus pole erect (tee hee) and placed in the appropriate spot and I have scheduled the Feats of Strength for approximately 2 p.m. So, now for the final part of the Festivus Celebration, the Airing of Grievances. For anyone who's ever read this blog or met me for that matter, you should all be aware that the point of this blog is to pretty much air my grievances at will, but since a special holiday has been set aside to commemorate the event, then by all means, I think I should participate. Settle in Barnyard Critters, this could take a while.
1) The fucktards that think Monsanto is the cause of Chipotle's e coli outbreak. Are you fucking serious with this level of epic stupidity? Here's what's happened at Shitpotle...A. organic vegetables are quite often fertilized with shit. That's right. That organic tomato that you spent an extra dollar on has been covered in poo. B. There are no bathrooms in vegetable gardens so when you have to give birth to a chocolate covered squirrel, often, the second row from the back on the west end of the cilantro patch becomes the community WC. The lettuce leaves from across the way make for good toilet paper. C. Minimum wage, often poorly trained kitchen workers who really don't give a fuck are assembling your $8 1,200 calorie burrito. Sure, they may have washed their hands prior to taking your order, but they also just checked their Instagram account and sent a Snap to their girlfriend...do you know how many germs are on an average cell phone? Worse than a toilet seat. D. Its called karma, bitchatchoes. Karma. At least their e coli is responsibly sourced and GMO free.
2) Star Wars. I'm sorry but I couldn't give two shits about this movie or its franchise or its merchandise. I'm not sure I could even give two of YOUR shits about it...I care that little...
3) Cancer. Fuck you. Its affecting far too many people I care about right now and it can go eat a bag of dicks.
4) The construction at Casey's. I know, I know, progress is good and in a few short weeks it will all be worth it when the iced coffee machine is up and running and all of the beer is kept at a perfect 28 degrees in the walk in coolers, but for now, its really pissing me off. Do you know how many days in a row I have gone without my 24 ounce Hazlenut Coffee due to the fact that there is an epic clusterfuck in the parking lot? Three. Do you know how many days in a row it takes for me to lose my shit without my morning dose of coffee? Less than one. You do the math motherfuckers.
5) The assclown naysayers. You know who you they are. The ones that poo-poo everything and can't find a single positive thing to say about anything. To those of you who think the new truckstop won't pay enough, how many jobs have YOU created in this community? To those of you who think that the Rec Center will NEVER happen and that people who bowl can just drive out of town to do that sort of thing..you can kiss my fat, white, ass. I hope you never step foot into the place, then. Don't you dare stop by for a bite to eat or something to drink after a football game and don't even think about sending your miserable crotch fruit to the party my child will be hosting there.
6) Man buns. 1,3,5,7,9....cuz I CANT EVEN...I mean an entire canoe load of douche cannot appropriately describe this phenomenon.
7) That one chin hair that refuses to die, yeah, you...right there...I can feel you..I can even see you on occasion, but for some reason you elude the tweezers every fucking time...
8) This list...thats right...I have major grievances about compiling this list of grievances. In fact. I'm over it. Happy Festivus Assholes.

Die you little bastards!

So, fall has arrived and as I mentioned in yesterdays blog, I live on a fully functioning livestock farm, which means we have critters...in abundance...Some of those critters, namely mice, like to migrate to warmer climates (i.e. my house) when temperatures start to drop. We have placed all the appropriate pet friendly traps outside in the obvious places and have placed traps, poisons and other contraptions throughout the house. I went to bed Wednesday evening and dozed off to the sounds of a Law and Order rerun. (Sam Waterston and Jerry Orbach days, when it was the best). Somewhere around 1 a.m. I was awoken from my hibernation by the desperate squeak and furious flailing of a victim caught in the sticky trap....I rolled over and peered over the side of the bed, and spied the poor soul. There he was, staring back at me in desperation. The trap he was mired in was near the dresser, just a few feet away from the foot of the bed. I crawled to the edge of the bed to see just how stuck he was (he was glued down tight) however, about every 30 seconds or so he would flail about and I just knew if given the chance he would work himself loose. I also knew, with certainty, that if I attempted to "help his journey to the great beyond" by thumping him on the head with a hammer, he would certainly find sudden freedom and run across my foot. So, in bed I stayed.
I attempted to fall back to sleep, to no avail as the little bastard was persistent in his efforts to free himself. I reached for the remote, thinking that I would just turn the volume up a little more and let ADA Jack McCoy's passionate closing arguments drown him out.
It was then I realized the reason I had drifted to sleep with the TV still on was because I couldn't find the remote and was too tired/lazy to get up and turn the TV off manually.
I peered over the edge of the bed one again..I swear the vigorous flailing had moved the trap two feet. It was now out in front of the dresser, inching ever closer to the bed. The television sits on top of the dresser, just out of reach. If I truly wanted to turn the volume up, I would need to get out of bed, and step directly over the trapped rodent, falling and squeaking with all of his might. That shit wasn't happening.
I laid back down to contemplate my options. A round of Candy Crush Soda on my phone would surely help me gain the courage to battle Mr. Jingles. Twenty minutes later, I was out of lives and the little bastard hadn't died yet. What to do, what to do...
I turned the bedside lamp on thinking the light would discourage this little nocturnal creature and he would either settle down and give me enough time to whack him (I have horrible hand to eye coordination and am slow, so I need strategery when hitting a moving object. Anyone who's seen me attempt to hit a softball can attest to this) or I could at least fall back to sleep.
The lamp seemed to work as the struggle and noise started to decrease. I got the nerve up to escape the bedroom and find a boot to help me do the dirty work. I returned to bed, boot in hand trying to work up the courage to "finish the job."
I gave myself a pep talk, all the while calculating the many ways my plan to assassinate the trapped mouse could go wrong. Chiefly, the scenario in which I horribly miss the moving target and instead whack the edge of the sticky trap causing it to fly up in the air and attach itself, along with the half dead mouse to my leg, where it would stick in the leg hairs I have neglected to shave this week. (It COULD happen.) I told myself, "Bitch, get a grip and kill the little SOB."
I crawled over to the other side of the bed and prepared to whack him...at that time I noticed his movement and protest had gotten increasingly louder. I thought, "Oh, this is his last hurrah, he's giving it one more Wheeler try before he goes to the great cheese factory in the sky." I mustered up all the courage I could find and crawled out of bed. Only then did I notice, that the reason the calamity had increased was because Mr. Jingles had a buddy trapped with him to join in his misery.
I quickly dropped the boot and dove back into bed, where I waited and listened until my hunter trapper hubby AKA the Executioner got home and whacked them both with his pliers...
Why did he make it look so easy?

Popeye

Remember the cartoon "Popeye"? One of his famous lines was "I ams who I am and thats all that I am." I think we all need to remember that once in a while. You are who you are and you shouldn't pretend to be anyone you're not and if people don't like the you that you are...fuck em.
I work two jobs. My other half is busting his nuts to get his own company off the ground instead of being a corporate bitch. We have a few head of cows that we co-own with a friend and its a lot of work and time and mess. My yard is filled with hay bales and silage bags and tractors and feed wagons and other food stuffs. I frequently smell manure.
We don't live in a fancy house. We don't drive new cars. Half of my furniture is thrift shop or hand-me down. I shop at Dollar General (Why the fuck would you pay $3 more a package for the same shit paper?) I go to garage sales and buy things off of the swap pages. We don't have $1,200 designer dogs. We have a coon hound who barks all night long and a bitchy Corgi we got cheap because she isn't papered.
I eat too much, I swear too much, I exercise far too little. Ok, really not at all unless you count the many miles I spend hiking my happy ass around Darrell's Place slinging tenderloins and delivering straws. (Which is a big pet peeve of mine...if you don't drink out of a straw in your home, why the hell do you think you need one in a restaurant? And now just for that, my asshole friends will all ask for straws next time I wait on them.)
I call my friends assholes and twats.
I am a damn good cook and a pretty good baker, too. I am a piss poor housekeeper. I loathe folding socks. My dishwasher is my BFF.
I am terrible at managing money.
I have smelly feet, no matter what product I try.
I don't care if you look down on me for any of these things. In fact, I couldn't give two fucks what you think of me because I am a nice person. (Nice is such a douchey word). I am a kick ass person. I rarely find someone I don't like, and if there is someone out there I don't like, you must be a real piece of shit. My circle of friends is large and when I consider you a friend, I mean it. I will have your back no matter how often or how rarely we see each other or talk. When I tell you I love you, I mean it. I don't pretend to be anything I'm not (except sober, I have done that once or twice.) I would give you the shirt off my back if you need it and will bend over backwards to keep everyone happy. I have a big heart and I try my best to treat people the way I want to be treated. I've taught my children to act the same.
Life is too short to play games or to try to keep up with the Joneses, being a good person is far more important than having all the stuff. Like the song says, "I've never seen a hearse with a trailer hitch."
And if you do have all the stuff and are still a good person, more power to ya...wanna be friends? I don't need to own the stuff, as long as you'll let me play with it.

Dear John Letters Vol. 432

Hola Bitchachos...its been a while, I know...I've been just a smidge busy with No. 1 flying the coop to college and No. 2 "graduating" to two nights of dance, 20 miles away and confirmation classes, but alas, I am here today full of bitchiness about whats going on in the world and on the interwebs. I bring you another round of my "Dear" letters...
Dear parents of dress code violators, GTFO. Seriously. I am more over you than Miley is over Hannah Montana. I do sympathize when it comes to the vague rules regarding leggings, collar bones cleavage, et al however, when you go to a private school that requires uniforms (complete with neckties ala Harry Potter) and rules about wild and inappropriate hair dos and  you decide to shave half of your head and dye it a "cheetah" (or is it leopard) pattern..don't come crying to me when your ass gets suspended. ESPECIALLY when you and Mum were well aware of the rule. And for FUCK SAKE, do not call your suspension a "human rights violation." I'm sure the Syrian refugees would love to tell you what true human rights violations are, bitch.
Dear Today Show, Stop...seriously, STOP with the Caitlyn Jenner "exclusives." When she has her own show and is tabloid fodder daily, there is nothing EXCLUSIVE about her. Yes, she has quite the story, but do we need to regurgitate it every single minute of every single day? P.S. Cait, please get a bra that fits...the one you're wearing on the golf course shows your nipples and makes your tits look lopsided. P.P.S. Maybe your new tits just ARE lopsided...if that's the case, I'd go back to your surgeon. P.P.P.S. Shouldn't you be driving from the women's tee?
Dear Food Babe, Thanks a fucking lot for your interference with the pumpkin spice latte. Key word here is SPICE. No one in the history of ANYONE actually wants pureed pumpkin in their coffee. They want the spices that are associated with pumpkin in their coffee. Thanks to your fucktarded misguided attempts at making the world a healthier place one dipshitted movement at a time we now have sad, squash flavored coffee drinks.
Dear No. 1, this is why I love you...
No. 1: "Mom what does 392 and counting on your FB page mean?"
Me: I commented on a post and it has 392 likes and counting.
No. 1: "Cool, you're finally getting recognized for being a bitch on Facebook."
Damn Skippy...

Are you kidding with this?

There are two stories in today's news that are really disturbing to me, so naturally, I am going to bitch about them, to you! (That's what you're here, I know!)
The first is the story of 12  year old Jarell Milton of Omaha, who was charged with murder this week. Police apprehended him 400 miles away in Minneapolis, after he fled the Omaha area, following the arrest of his 17 year old brother and another 15 year old child. The three are accused of shooting two individuals during a drug deal. One of the men died, the other was treated and released. Let's let some key words sink in. 12 years old. Murder. Fled. Drug deal. Those stick out to me.
He's 12 FUCKING YEARS OLD and he's carrying a gun to a drug deal and then shooting someone when the drug deal goes awry. Police say its gang related.
I have a 12 year old (well almost) do you know what she's into? Her goats; basketball; colored pencils. She's into texting her friends annoying things like "totes adorbs." She likes to work with her show calves with her grandpa and still comes into snuggle with her mom and dad before she goes to bed armed with a stuffed cow she's had since infancy. THATS WHAT 12 YEAR OLDS ARE SUPPOSED TO DO! They are not supposed to be gang affiliated gun toting pot smokers who flee the state after committing murder! For FUCK SAKE!
Say what you want about the "system" failing him. I call bullshit. This child should never have been born. He had ZERO chance from the get go. His father is currently serving a 30 year sentence for murder. His mother was convicted of felony assault when he was a toddler and he and his SEVEN, yes count them, SEVEN siblings were put into foster care while she served her sentence. Call me racist, classist, a piece of shit, whatever..this woman should never have reproduced, yet she willingly brought more than half a dozen children into her fucked up world and we as a society, stood by and watched it happen. It sickens me.
The second news story that has my asshairs pinched is the Maine parents who are asking for tighter restrictions on fireworks after their 22 year old son was killed this past weekend during an accident involving fireworks. The official report calls it an accident. I call it Darwins Law working as it was intended to. If you haven't heard about this one yet, I will fill you in. Devon Staples (known hereafter as fucktard of the year) got drunk and put reloadable fireworks mortar tube on his head and lit the fuse. Big shocker, it went off like fireworks most often do and he was instantly killed. Tragic, yes. Completely avoidable, yes. What kind of idiot puts a FIREWORK on top of their head and doesn't expect it to go off? I know you're grieving mom, but really, the blame on this one falls squarely on the shoulders of your child...warning labels were invented because of dumbfucks like this.
Its truly sad that this is the state of the world we live in today...No wonder aliens stopped abducting people in the 90's.

Walk of shame

Its been a horrifyingly long time since I've checked in with ya'll. Life has been busy in the barnyard! We've had a graduation, a 40th birthday, a dance recital, a cattle show, a goat show, volleyball camp, a garden plot to plant (whose bright fucking idea was that?) and calving season is finally over and all the ladies have been moved to the pasture. A few ladies have even been moved back home so their kiddos can become show calves! There's never a dull moment in the barnyard!
Since its been such a long time, I think I need to just purge some thoughts...
Chicken is chicken. I don't want to eat anything that "tastes like chicken" I will just order the chicken. And when I order the chicken, I will only order chicken breast. If something (like for instance a taco salad) gives the chicken option, unless that bitch says, "all white meat chicken breast" this heffa ain't touching it...#whatthefuckisthatbigchunk...
Freddy, Freddy, Freddy, I feel like the prom king just dumped me. However, I can't be too mad, because he did it for the right reasons. He has health issues. His dream has been to coach in the NBA. BDJ and the first round loss in the NCAA's done pissed him off. Still, I have a hole where Hoiberg used to be. (Wow, that sounds a lot dirtier than I anticipated it would.)
The Caitlin FKA Bruce getting the Arthur Ashe Award for courage from ESPN story...I've not seen a shit storm this big since the epic failure that was the Seinfeld finale. (Oooh, here come the But, but, but's ready to argue with me). I do believe that Lauren Hill would have been a better honoree. I do believe her battle and her story relates to a greater audience. I also believe that ESPN is pandering a bit to the current popularity of Caitlin's story. While I do believe that what he/she has done took courage and that someone with her tabloid status doing something like this and sharing her story makes it easier for others dealing with the same issues, I think ESPN is just trying to cash in on the story.  In the past several years the award has had a lot less to do with sports and courage and a lot more to do with social issues. And there are usually more losers than winners when it comes to award given for subjective reasons. By the way, I also think her reaction to winning (Tweeting, "What do I wear?") was low rent. AND, I also think its complete and utter bullshit that she's so good at applying makeup. (I also think far too many people are getting their panties in a wad over this. Do you know her? Does it affect you directly? No? Then move the fuck on...)
Taking my own advice, moving on to the lunch lady who was fired because she gave a crying little girl who didn't have lunch money a lunch. There HAS to be more to this story. I certainly don't think the lady should have lost her job for making sure a hungry child got something to eat, BUT, just how far behind were the parents on their lunch account? How many times had this happened in the past? How many warnings had the parents been given? Did she pay for the meals or did she just "give" it to the girl? There are policies in place, as dumb as they may be, they are still in place and if she knew them and violated them anyway, then???? I get it, the food was going to be thrown away anyway, but it seems like more and more society is saying, "rules don't apply." By the same token, parents, you had that child. You must make sure that child's needs are taken care of. School lunch costs somewhere around $2. This district (and many others) let you fall so far in the hole before sending out a notice and then providing the child with a sandwich and a milk.  Parental responsibility has to factor in somewhere. I have some very good friends who are educators and we have this conversation a lot. Parental responsibility and accountability is becoming a thing of the past. More and more parents are taking no ownership when it comes to the success (or failure) of their children when it comes to their education. Making sure your child does their homework, does their reading, hands in their assignments, doesn't go to school hungry or has their lunch money all factor into making sure they are a successful student. I certainly feel for not only the hungry little girl, who had no fault in this situation and for the woman who lost her job. But, I also see the problem the district was faced with. Its sad because there had to have been a better way to handle this situation ALL the way around.
And finally, tomorrow is National Donut Day...something we can ALL look forward to and celebrate without controversy..

Rules, Schmooles

As the saying goes, "Rules are made to be broken..." and I have indeed broken a few (hundred) in my day. However, even dumb rules are still rules and if we chose not to follow them, we have to be prepared for the consequences. And I'm sorry, rules that are written in black and white and handed to you are ones in which you cannot feign ignorance..
There are two such instances that have been filling my interweb pages today. The first has to do with excused versus unexcused absences. (A rule in which I have had my asshairs knotted about before.)
It seems that Mike Rossi, a radio announcer from (somewhere, its really not pertinent) took his kids out of school to watch him run the Boston Marathon. They took a few extra days to sight see, swim, eat, etc. Upon returning to school Mr. Rossi was SHOCKED! Shocked I tell you, to learn that those days were counted as unexcused absences, and he was sent a form letter explaining the school's attendance policy. That letter and his response has now gone viral.
He's "outraged" because the family vacation included a number of educational experiences. Life lessons were learned, tears were shed, laps were swam and blocks were walked (counting towards PE time) and yet, those days his precious snowflakes missed were not counted as excused absences. To which I say, boo fucking hoo....in what alternate universe does one think that a family vacation is excused? In what alternate universe does one think "rules don't apply to me, because I am a special snowflake!" (Thats right, its no alternate, its current day USA)
I too have taken my kids out of school for trips, which have had an educational component. I too get a little peeved when I get the letter explaining the attendance policy and I too agree that education happens outside of the classroom, all the time. HOWEVER, where does one draw the line? Rules like this are made hard and fast, because what one person deems an "educational experience" another person deems bullshit. Wouldn't a shopping trip be deemed educational if one was going into a fashion career or if the kids were made to spend within their budget and do math while in the check out line? Wouldn't a week long beach trip be called educational if the kids picked up shells along the beach and went snorkeling? (Science?)
The part that really irks me is that this guy feigned ignorance when it came to the policy...um, sorry douchebag, I'm certain your school has a handbook and I'd bet my left tit it includes the attendance policy.
The second such instance is a parent bitching about the dress code. Another one of those policies that is clearly laid out in the school handbook and clearly communicated to the parents. Yes, I agree its a bit on the ridiculous side that five year olds are being looked at sideways for wearing sundresses with spaghetti straps, HOWEVER, the dress code clearly states no spaghetti straps and if my 10 year old can't wear them, neither can your five year old...again, hard and fast rules made to eliminate any grey area. If you don't like it? Take your child to a school where they have uniforms. Problem solved.
I get really tired of the "rules don't apply to me because I am special and I don't like the rules" attitude society has today. I sure as shit don't like a number of rules/laws that I am supposed to follow. But I know I am expected to do so, or there could be consequences....something few people are learning to live with these days.
[Policing morals and moral decisions (i.e. if you are a grown ass adult that wants to lock himself in his basement and get high while the kids are at grandma's house,) that seems like its no one else's business, law included... that to me is a moral decision not a legal matter.. is another topic for another day...]