Dear children

Let me begin by telling you, I love you, I would move mountains for you and I will give you every opportunity I can, but we will never be friends.
As your PARENT, I will be there to help you up when you are down. I will laugh with you (or more likely, at you) I will cry with you. I will share in your heartache and in your victory and achievement. Those are all things that parents and friends do, however, thats pretty much where our alliance will end. I will not look the other way, encourage bad behavior, or utter the phrase "kids will be kids, so..."
I will let you fail.
I will not interfere in your relationships.
I will not fight your battles.
HOWEVER, I will do my best to help you work through your failures and make sure you don't repeat them. I will fight along side you and help you through what ever you are battling, but I will not make your battles my own, as someday you will need to learn to fight for yourself.
I will never, EVER, buy you and your buddies beer, cigarettes or anything of the like so you can celebrate a special occasion, unless that occasion is your 21st birthday and even then, I will not feel old enough to have a 21 year old, so you can buy your own damn beer.
You are my child and while I will strive to have the very best relationship I can with you, I will never want, or need to be your friend. I do not want or need to have YOUR friends as my friends either. I don't give a rat's ass if your friends think I am cool or not, or if your friends say your party is lame because I didn't buy you any beer...We can be lame together, cuz that shit ain't happening...not as long as I am your parent. And THAT is what I am. I am here to support you, in every sense of the word, but I am not here to be your BFF.
Love, MOM

You may be scratching your head a little at the point of this open letter..it should be relatively easy to figure out my reasoning for writing it. I am sick to death of parents refusing to be parents and instead thinking they need to just be their child's BFF. Newsflash...if you continue that behavior, your little darling has a terrific chance of someday living in your basement.
I hate to break it to you, but buying your teenager beer because "kids will be kids" is against the law, for one, and secondly, is fucking retarded...I am not naive enough to think that teens, when really feeling the need, won't find their own beer, but to encourage their behavior is...I don't even have a word for it. Along the same lines, if you give your three year old a mountain dew at 8 p.m. and then expect her not to be an asshole, you my friend are a douchecanoe who needs to learn the word "no" and repeat it often.
Now, this is not to say that you should not have an open, honest, fun loving relationship with your child, that's not at all the point I am trying to make. The point is, if you are not going to act like a parent and set boundaries and ground rules, and follow through with them and GASP (oh the horror) not be their friend, don't be surprised when a parole officer has to your parenting for you.

Oy Vey!

Where to begin? So much to discuss so few times I can use the word fucktard...
Ok...The Iowa State Fair is going to a ticket system for all food purchases/food vendors. Cash is no longer accepted, you must purchase tickets. To read the response on the internet one would think they are outlawing corn dogs....Yes, I totally agree this will be a hassle. HOWEVER, may I present one piece of evidence...The Bud Tent. You must purchase tickets to get a beer at the Bud Tent...has that deterred people from purchasing beer? Are you kidding? It's still one of the busiest places on the grounds. I agree that most food purchases are done on impulse and if you don't have food tickets, then you must go wait in line, get your tickets, go back to the food vendor and that will suck...I think that a prepaid card system or use your debit card system would be simpler, BUT its not my decision to make. The bottom line is, you bring $100 with you to spend on food and drink at the state fair...once you get in the gate, buy your $100 worth of tickets and BAM, you're set...have extra tickets at the end of the day...you can use them again next year, or here's novel idea..sell them to another fair goer once you get outside the gate...we do that all the time with admission tickets we've bought in advance. Again, I think it will be a hassle and having an assload of tickets to keep track of will be a pain, BUT...this helps the vendors with theft deterrence and it helps the Fair because lo and behold, other State Fairs who have done this have learned that they were being screwed by the vendors by upwards of 20%...Now, some say that the Fair is just being greedy, BUT when you can run a stand on the State Fair grounds for 10 days and make enough money to live for the next year, and I don't mean just live, I mean live lavishly, who is the one being greedy? Food for thought...(I'm getting a real kick out of the fucktards threatening a boycott...I would bet that 90% of those bitching don't go to the fair in the first place or are just blowing out their ass and will go anyway.)
Creighton Prep, a private, catholic high school in Nebraska is now going to randomly test students for drugs and alcohol...(Can I get a standing ovation?) I think its laughable that there are people crying out "Invasion of Privacy" and "Where is our freedom?" I'm sorry, being a parent of a teenager I am of the opinion that until you live on your own, under your own roof, paying your own way, you have no rights and no freedoms. Possession or consumption of alcohol under the age of 21 is illegal. Possession or consumption of drugs is illegal. If you sign a code of conduct policy and wish to attend a private school, you are subject to follow those rules. Yes, kids will be kids. Yes, I drank in high school, but I also damn well knew the consequences. There are far too many times, especially this day and age, where a slap on the wrist is deemed appropriate discipline, especially when there is an important game on the line. There are far too many people who look the other way. Far too many parents who have stopped parenting and are looking for someone else to raise their kids, because they want to be their child's best friend instead. You want to go to Creighton Prep and reap those advantages? Get ready to give your hair sample and give up your pipe...you have plenty of time in your life to break the rules or to fuck up your future...you only have four years of high school. (I'm really getting a kick out of the fucktard whose telling everyone to "hit me up if you wanna learn how to get past these tests..yo" Do you think your name hasn't gone into a data base asshat?
Dennis Rodman...your Visa has now been revoked and congratulations, you have won permanent residence in North Korea!!!! We don't want your dumbass back!!!! Good luck outrunning the wild dogs when your unstable new bff gets tired of your shit.
Nationally known companies are urging swine producers to eliminate gestation crates, or they will not buy their products...hmm are the Peta loving "cry foul" "oh it's cruel and unusual" going to have the same reaction when half of each litter of piglets are now crushed or eaten by mama pig, because that is what a gestation crate helps prevent? You wanna see cruel and unusual, watch a "free range" sow eat her own babies or lie down on them and crush them all....
For the love of all that is holy SAY IT ISN"T SO!!!! There is a Velveeta shortage...Dear God in heaven, make it stop...if any of you are out, I will have a stock pile of the golden deliciousness in my pantry...
I'm adding a random photo in an effort to get rid of Gaga....

New Year

same old me...still fat, sassy and chronically annoyed. So what's got my panties in a wad today? Let me tell ya...
Clothing sizes. Why can't they be more like a set of socket wrenches? I mean no matter what brand of socket wrench you have, 5/8 is 5/8 is 5/8. Why can we not have universal sizing and it is what it is. None of this mind fucking where in Brand X I am a size 16 but in Brand Y I am a 12. Is that too much to ask? I get tired of walking into clothing stores and the fat girl sizes are actually meant for someone who wears a traditional size large, because their size small is actually meant to fit a malnourished 8 year old. I mean, think of wedding dresses... They always say when buying a wedding dress you should plan to go up at least 2 sizes. What the fuck for? You are supposed to feel your most beautiful on your wedding day...do you think making us wear a gown at least two sizes bigger than we normally wear makes us feel more beautiful? Cripes...
Warning signs. The City of Des Moines has installed warning signs on several hills that the public uses for sledding, after there have been several multi-million dollar payouts across the state...what ever happen to common sense and doing something at your own risk? I mean seriously!!! It's like the old warning labels joke that Bill Engvall had...there is a warning label on Preparation H that says, "Not for oral use." (Acting like an asshole is not a medical condition, you can't treat it with hemorrhoid cream.) There is a warning label on curling irons that say "For external use only."(Really?What sick fuck tried that one?) The litigious  society we live in is getting to be goddamned ridiculous. Accidents happen! If you put yourself on a piece of plastic or metal and launch yourself off a snow and ice covered hill, you stand the risk of getting injured...it's common sense and its becoming a thing of the past.
The Jahi McGrath story...how horribly tragic. BUT, anytime you go under the knife for ANY reason, there is a risk of something going wrong. It is why when you are signing your life away at the hospital, they ask for your living will and advance directives. There have been THREE different physicians who have all determined the same outcome...Jahi is brain dead. She will never recover. She is not in a coma, nor is she in a vegetative state. There is zero brain activity. A ventilator is being used to keep a dead body, "breathing." Some experts are saying that she has already begun to essentially decompose. You may ask what "gets" me about this story? I cannot fathom having to bury my child, but common sense needs to kick in at some point. Their "argument" that they are fighting so hard because they are "devout Christians" chaps my ass, because they are making ALL Christians look like denial filled, zealot fucktards. I too am a Christian, but I am also a realist. I would like to believe in miracles. Sadly, Jahi's chances for a miracle have evaporated. The other thing that "gets me" is that allegedly there is a facility in New York, founded by a beautician, no less,  that says they can offer her all the care she needs in their "nearly completed" facility. This lady and the lawyer representing Jahi's family need strung up by their toenails. They are looking for their 15 minutes of fame and some cha-ching in their bank accounts...ugh.
People who use the word haricot verts...get a fucking life...its a god damned green bean, asshole.

Trying...really I am!

Trying to let sleeping dogs lie and not jump on the comment bandwagons....but really, have we met before?

Soooo, where to start?

Is anyone truly surprised that Phil Robertson said that he thought homosexuality was a sin? (Newsflash..that is what he said...he didn't say "I hate gay people.") He was asked by a reporter at GQ what he considered sin. He gave several answers starting with homosexuality then added beastality, adultery, and so on...he was never asked, "Who do you hate?" He was asked what he considered a sin. As a Christian, he (and I) were taught that sin is sin is sin and we are all sinners. (If anyone has read his book or knows anything about him, they would know that he himself is an adulterer.) He then added it was not his place to judge anyone and quote, "However, I would never treat anyone with disrespect just because they are different from me. We are all created by the Almighty and like Him, I love all of humanity. We would all be better off if we loved God and loved each other.”   

Now one can infer all they want about what his meaning was/is, the fact of the matter is...why are we surprised that he answered the way he did? 

Now whether or not you agree with what he said, I think we can all agree that A&E has shit in their own nest, as the Robertsons and Duck Dynasty are a cash cow/goldmine.

Now, what? Oh yes, to the Husker fan (not saying you are bad people...don't call me an intolerant Huskerphobe) who is on the IOWA STATE fan page on Facebook commenting that the only reason that BOTH ISU's mens and women's team are undefeated, is because the Big 12 is weak..could you PLEASE get immediate treatment for your headupassitis? Your level of fucktard is astonishing...the Big 12 schedule hasn't even started...go crawl back into your corn hole..

Why pray tell, do we need to see "exclusive, leaked footage" of Paul Walker's car crash, complete with morgue photos? No, just....No.

I am an aca-geek that is an..aca-loving..aca-excited..acapella geek because I am obsessed with the Sing Off. Miss Jaci is in awe because, 'I met those guys!!!' I touched the one with the beard and I shook the hand of the one with the low voice.' So, she's tight with the boys from Home Free and is loving the fact that they are on TV...me too actually. Tim Foust's bass is ridiculous...

Holiday shopping is nearing 35% completion...next year everyone is getting their gifts from Amazon. If it cannot be found and ordered on Amazon, pick something else. I ordered three things from there on Tuesday...they arrived today, with FREE two day shipping. 

Holiday baking is around 10% complete...I made a pan of sugar cookie bars...Miss Jaci is bound and determined we make Mr. Birks some oreo balls, so, I will be doing that tonight, at 9 p.m. when I get off work and am watching my dvr'ed episode of the Sing Off...that is if the rat bastards I live with don't hit cancel on my recording...(Can't you feel the holiday love?)

Bah Humbug!

With the holiday season upon us, I’ve found myself in a quandary…I’ve lost my fa-la-la. With Miss Jaci begging to set up the Christmas tree, I figured I had better search for it, fast. So, I poured my self some “holiday cheer” also known as eggnog with a splash (oh, who are we kidding—healthy pour) of spiced rum and started my search.

My fa-la-la has been slowly fading over the past several years and I knew finding might be a challenge. In years past, I have decorated every nook and cranny and shopped with great excitement. I am the girl that one year made my own wrapping paper and got glue gun burns making fancy bows with silk poinsettias attached. I am also the gal who hosted a holiday bake-a-thon with my mother, mother in-law and two sisters-in-law and cranked out 15 different kinds of cookies and candies in one joyful (??) afternoon. This year…I’m not feeling any of it.

 I braved the basement and located the numerous boxes and bags of Christmas “stuff” and started hauling the big tree up the stairs. After throwing my back out and pulling muscles I didn’t know I had only to find myself half way up the steps, I decided to just put up the smaller tree. (See? I was once a “more than one Christmas tree” person!)

With the small tree and the decorations hauled to the main floor and Jaci excitedly decorating, I began to go through the décor to decide what to put out, what to keep and what to throw away. Each box and bag triggered a memory from Christmases past.

I thought of the time my younger brother got a pony. Santa had left it tied in the basement and it pooped all over.

As I hung the stockings, I couldn’t help but think of the stockings that hung when I was a child. Mom hung our stockings in the double doorway between the kitchen and living room. Always feeling left out; my dad would tack up a pair of my mom’s pantyhose right in the middle, telling us that was “his stocking.” Santa would always drop an orange into each foot of the nylons and by Christmas morning, those puppies would be hanging to the floor.

I thought of all the times the entire Jensen clan filled Grandma and Grandpa’s tiny house and fought over Grandma’s Chex mix, always set out in recycled margarine containers. Being one of the youngest, by the time I got to it, all that was left was cereal, a few pretzel sticks and the occasional Brazil nut.

Grandpa Clarence’s sleigh bells from the horse drawn sleigh came to mind, too. Each Christmas he would sneak away and start jingling them to let us Grandkids know that Santa was near.

I laughed at the memory of our first Christmas as a young family. I had conned Dan into buying me a real tree and I thought I had picked the “perfect one.” I set it up in the corner of the living room in front of the door that no one used during the winter. Little did I know just how genius of a move that would be, as the dumb thing wouldn’t stay up. After finding it lying on the floor for the third time, I wrapped fishing line around the trunk in several places and tied it to the doorknob.

With the tree finally staying upright, a new problem emerged…the tree would give off a funky smell every once in a while. We couldn’t figure out what was causing it until we witnessed the source. You see, our faithful and spoiled rotten hunting dog, Bud, was allowed to come into the porch on nights when it was rather cold. Little did we know he didn’t stay in the porch, but instead took a nightly constitutional around the house. That journey included peeing on the Christmas tree. I was told I couldn’t get mad at him because he was a dog and it was a tree and dogs pee on trees.

This was also the same Christmas where I had volunteered to cook Christmas dinner for my mother-in-law’s extended family. (A suicide mission if there ever was one, I know.) I planned to do turkey and all the trimmings, complete with pie featuring my mother’s famous piecrust. The night before the event, I took the lard out of the freezer to thaw. (Yes, I said lard…pie crust needs lard.) The next morning, I got up and set about to start the pies. I went to the kitchen and the lard was nowhere to be found. I thought that Dan must have put it back in the freezer, so I went to retrieve the missing pork fat. It was then that I discovered where my lard had gone. Bud, on his evening journey had decided it would make a good snack, only his stomach did not agree after he wolfed down the entire package, plastic wrap and all. The evidence was in a giant puke puddle on my back porch rug.

As I reminisced and finished the decorating, the last piece I put up for display was the Christmas basket I made for one of my Grandma’s. (Yep, I used to MAKE gifts, too!) It is just a simple basket with greenery wrapped around the handle and the edge. It has gold ribbon and tiny, white lights strung throughout the greenery and features a lovely bow and white silk poinsettia blooms throughout. In the center is a ceramic Nativity. It was then and there that my search had ended. What had been lost, was found; for there, in the tiny manger of that Dollar Store Nativity Scene was the real reason for the season…there was my missing fa-la-la. 

No wonder we're doomed...

Lets have a simple photo comparison and analysis to show why we as a society are doomed and/or screwed up, use whichever wording you prefer.
Lady Gaga does this and we call her a genius...an artist like the world has never seen...brilliant!

Now, dear Miley Cyrus does this

and we call her troubled, a whore, disgusting and attention mongering....

I'm sorry, but what????? Granted, I could live without Miley sticking her tongue out or licking a hammer, but how are Gaga's whorish and outlandish ways called genius, yet we label Miley's just plain whorish? Double standard much?

Here's another fine example of why we're screwed..albeit without photos this time. A death row inmate in Ohio wants to donate his organs....his execution has been stayed because some dipshit bleeding heart fucktard has convinced some "higher-up" that death row inmates donating organs may cause judges and juries to order death penalties more often...Again, I'm sorry, but what???? I think death row inmates should be MANDATED to donate organs if they are in good health. Judges and juries do not order the death penalty enough...now I know the argument that it costs quadruple the money to house a death row inmate versus one serving a life sentence, but it SHOULDN'T! Schools and nursing homes should be funded fully like prisons are and prisons should be given $5,280 per inmate and the rest of the funding should have to come from donated boxtops and Target.

On a totally unrelated side note, one would think my phone and computer would start to recognize words like fucktard and dipshit and not try to turn them into words like fun turd and dips hit....it would save me a SHITLOAF of editing.

Now, let's see what else can I bitch about...oh, yes...I get having school spirit and hometown pride but to the 20-somethings still living in mommy's basement, your armchair quarterbacking and rubbing the score in is laughable...those HIGH SCHOOL KIDS on the field, are just that KIDS, so leave your name calling, f-bomb skank ass comments to yourself..how many playoff games did you win sweetie? Oh, that's right, you never PLAYED. Oh that's right, you're a female who thinks first down is a drinking game. STFU and go back to your home on whore island.

Speaking of whore island..I can't WAIT for the new Anchorman movie...I can already smell the rich mahogany. 

And we act surprised?

Without a doubt there is a decline in the moral fabric of society...I am at fault and so are countless others. I mean, hello...I drop the F-bomb like no other, where as my mother still cringes when she hears another say it and I'm quite certain my mother-in-law has heart palpitations when she hears it. Its one of those "things that has changed."
Here are a few changes I noticed over the weekend, and with their acknowledgement, I wonder why we even act surprised anymore when someone does something deemed crude, shocking, disrespectful or obscene?
Now, I am by no means a prude, but I found it laughable that the ABCFAMILY channel, FAMILY channel, I said, was showing "Pretty Woman" and "Burlesque" back to back last evening. Excuse me? The FAMILY channel is showing a movie about a prostitute done good followed by singing "dancers" wearing fishnets and pasties and we wonder why clothing for young girls borders on slutty? I was taken aback by that one.
I also saw a study that said that today's PG13 movies are MORE violent than rated R movies were in the 80's. We are supposed to be surprised by that? Hello? Violence is all around us, whether it comes from video games dominated by gunfire to the 10 o'clock news to the amount of television shows that require a warning prior to viewing, we are inundated by violent images, like never before. What's interesting in the study was the juxtaposition (man I like using big words) between violence rated in movies and sex rated in movies. Violence in movies has been increasingly downplayed, to the point of getting PG-13 and even straight PG ratings, where even a brief sex scene, automatically gets you an R rating. It makes little sense to me...we would rather explain gratuitous gun violence to our 13 year olds instead of explaining sex to them? And we wonder why unstable young people see no problem with violence and acting out....I'd rather see them having too much sex.
In a society where parental involvement and responsibility is waning, should we really act surprised at anything anymore? Yes, it's true, I've snuck my teenager into rated R movies and I've purchased him adult video games, but I have also instilled in him a healthy dose of what is real and what is fiction and that there are consequences to your actions.
(sigh) I guess seeing things like Pretty Woman on the family channel is another sign that I am getting old...perhaps I'll start using the f-word less...(gee talk about fiction.)