Mommy Dearest

I pretty much stole this idea from my friend "The Brown Eyed Gem." It's a list of things I'd like for Mother's Day...getting me one or all of these things is the least you can do after the nine months of continuous vomiting, the period known as "dry heave til you piss your pants" and the oh so lovely round of ulcerative colitis...You two are lucky you're cute.
1) I would like a new gas grill. Yes, I realize this is more of a "Father's Day" type of gift, but come on, we all know who does the cooking in my household and that includes the grilling. Now, those of you screaming blasphemy at me for not fully appreciating my good old Weber Kettle grill, this mama doesn't have time to spend 45 minutes "nurturing my coals" and praying to the bar-b-que Gods that the sons of bitches stay lit and get to the appropriate "ash gray" consistency. I also do not have the patience to deal with the small forest fire type flare ups that tend to occur. I do agree that charcoal tastes better and on lazy Sunday afternoons, I have no problem embracing the Weber, but when the family want a burger, is it too much to ask to have a big, bad ass behemoth sitting there that lights with the push of a button? (I don't think so...and if you think it's too much to ask...remember ulcerative colitis...I win.)
2) I want just one day where I don't have to do an ounce of housework. One day where someone else does it. Now, I don't need basement to attic deep cleaning. I don't even need swiffered floors or an empty sink. I want one goddamned day where the dishes walk themselves back to the kitchen instead of staying dormant on the nightstand or end table. I want one day where the socks and wet towels get put in the laundry basket instead of a pile on the floor. (And socks, could you go ahead and turn yourself inside right instead of staying wadded up in a ball?) I want one single, solitary day when I don't have to change the toilet paper roll, wipe beard hair out of my bathroom sink or try to decipher what the hell that smell is and where it is coming from.
3) On the same note, I want one week of someone else "taking care of things." (I realize this is fantasy land here, but a girl can dream.) I want one week of not having to remember the dance class, golf, FFA, 4-H, soccer, tennis and work schedules. I want one week of not having to remember to buy milk or toilet paper. One week of not having to concern myself with anyone else's business, but my own.
4) Really, truly, I would like to take a shit or a hot bath without someone knocking on the bathroom door or hollering my name....

5) Ok, now I realize that all of those things are asking too much, at least from my family...so I will settle for some flowers, some jewelry, some wine, or at least let me sleep in and then order a pizza for lunch because really...this is what mommy wants...