I'm not wrong

you are...a link to a new study from the UK about co-sleeping popped up on my newsfeed today. (Not sure I can take the report seriously when they misspell pediatrician, but thats just me.) Of course when you read the comment section (you know, the place where fucktards live that I cannot avoid reading?) it turns into a giant shitshow over who is raising their children correctly and who is scarring them for life. Here's my take on it..I need sleep like a junkie needs heroin..I can sleep whenever, wherever, however in any position at anytime of the day. I shit you not when I tell you I can down a red bull, chased by a five hour energy and take a nappy-nap 30 minutes later. I cannot sleep in a bed with a child. That's not to say I didn't fall asleep in a recliner with an infant...just didn't in bed. If it works for you, have at 'er. On occasion, Miss Jaci will fall asleep watching a movie and I will just move to the couch, or wake her snoring fanny up because even a king size bed does not yield enough space for the tornado Miss Jaci is when she sleeps. But if you can sleep with a tornado, that's your business.
 I will say that if your 12 year old is still sleeping with you and your spouse every night, you may have an issue or two we need to address. BUT, no matter your sleeping habits with your children, co-sleeping does not make your child stronger, smarter, healthier, happier, or better than mine, can we agree on that?
It's like breast feeding. If that is what works for you and your children, God bless. It was not a decision that was right for me. Does that make my children less than yours? I highly doubt it, as I know plenty of "sickly" and not so bright children who were raised on the breast. (And my kids are pretty kick ass. They are bright and rarely get sick, and were raised on a bottle.) (And yes, you can show me x,y, and z research that says otherwise and I can show you reports a, b, and c that contradict your findings...you can find studies that say whatever you would like them to say.)
I think we, as mothers, (and dads too if you want in on this conversation) need to stop competing against each other and trying to one up each other. What works for YOU, your children and YOUR FAMILY is the best way to do it, even if it differs from how I did it. What worked best for ME, was the best way for MY family to do it and just because it was different, does not mean it was wrong!
If you choose cloth diapers over disposable..I may say 'Seriously?' and call you a glutton for punishment, but if that is what you choose, so be it...its not my ass thats getting diapered and I'm not the one doing the laundry, so really what's it matter to me?
If you make your own soap, your own baby food, household cleaners and hand sew all of their clothing, I may, behind your back call you crazy, but..if it works for you...Bravo! Sew on my sister, sew on...just don't think less of me if I buy soap and baby food and have a frequent shoppers card at Children's Place.
If at the end of the day our children are happy, healthy, well fed and thoroughly loved, who gives a fuck how we did it?

Take notes

its time for a lesson...it will be short, sweet and to the point, don't worry, and it won't be graded. I have been asked to define some of the more colorful words I tend to use here in the Barnyard, so in the interest of teaching you all some new words to add to your daily conversation, here is my dictionary. (To help illustrate the proper use of the word, I will include it in a sentence.)

Asshat- the hipper, "more fun to use in conversation" cousin of asshole. It can be used two ways, first as a synonym for asshole, as its more fun to say. The second use is a synonym for dumbass, or someone who has their head up their ass, hence they are wearing their ass as a hat..asshat... Justin Bieber is an asshat.

Cum burping bitch- self explanatory, no definition needed... but if you aren't picking up what I'm laying down-a more colorful term for whore...Your ex is a cum burping bitch.

Dipshidiot- When dipshit and idiot just won't do... If you are over the age of 21 and have not learned the proper use of there, their and they're, or your and you're, you sir, are a dipshidiot.

Douchecanoe- Big brother of the word douche bag. It means that your douchieness is so great that it can no longer be contained by a bag...you need a canoe to tote around the amount of douche you possess if you are referred to as a douchcanoe... Kanye West is a douchecanoe.

Douchenozzle- Cousin of douche bag...we all know where the nozzle of a douche is put, so if someone is referred to as a douchenozzle, they are worse than a douchebag... Kanye West can also be described as a douchenozzle.

Fucktard- an idiot of epic proportion...hybrid of the words fucking retard (yes, I know its not PC to use the "R" word, that's why fucktard is gaining popularity)... I'm tired of all the fucktards that live on the comment sections of the internet.

Headupassitis- a medical condition in which someone suffers from repeatedly having their head up their ass... Most politicians suffer from extreme headupassitis.

Shitload- a word to describe a large number. Can also use assload or fuckload...basically it means a lot....I have a shitload of laundry to do.

Good luck, I will be listening for proper usage.

Dear children

Let me begin by telling you, I love you, I would move mountains for you and I will give you every opportunity I can, but we will never be friends.
As your PARENT, I will be there to help you up when you are down. I will laugh with you (or more likely, at you) I will cry with you. I will share in your heartache and in your victory and achievement. Those are all things that parents and friends do, however, thats pretty much where our alliance will end. I will not look the other way, encourage bad behavior, or utter the phrase "kids will be kids, so..."
I will let you fail.
I will not interfere in your relationships.
I will not fight your battles.
HOWEVER, I will do my best to help you work through your failures and make sure you don't repeat them. I will fight along side you and help you through what ever you are battling, but I will not make your battles my own, as someday you will need to learn to fight for yourself.
I will never, EVER, buy you and your buddies beer, cigarettes or anything of the like so you can celebrate a special occasion, unless that occasion is your 21st birthday and even then, I will not feel old enough to have a 21 year old, so you can buy your own damn beer.
You are my child and while I will strive to have the very best relationship I can with you, I will never want, or need to be your friend. I do not want or need to have YOUR friends as my friends either. I don't give a rat's ass if your friends think I am cool or not, or if your friends say your party is lame because I didn't buy you any beer...We can be lame together, cuz that shit ain't happening...not as long as I am your parent. And THAT is what I am. I am here to support you, in every sense of the word, but I am not here to be your BFF.
Love, MOM

You may be scratching your head a little at the point of this open letter..it should be relatively easy to figure out my reasoning for writing it. I am sick to death of parents refusing to be parents and instead thinking they need to just be their child's BFF. Newsflash...if you continue that behavior, your little darling has a terrific chance of someday living in your basement.
I hate to break it to you, but buying your teenager beer because "kids will be kids" is against the law, for one, and secondly, is fucking retarded...I am not naive enough to think that teens, when really feeling the need, won't find their own beer, but to encourage their behavior is...I don't even have a word for it. Along the same lines, if you give your three year old a mountain dew at 8 p.m. and then expect her not to be an asshole, you my friend are a douchecanoe who needs to learn the word "no" and repeat it often.
Now, this is not to say that you should not have an open, honest, fun loving relationship with your child, that's not at all the point I am trying to make. The point is, if you are not going to act like a parent and set boundaries and ground rules, and follow through with them and GASP (oh the horror) not be their friend, don't be surprised when a parole officer has to your parenting for you.

Oy Vey!

Where to begin? So much to discuss so few times I can use the word fucktard...
Ok...The Iowa State Fair is going to a ticket system for all food purchases/food vendors. Cash is no longer accepted, you must purchase tickets. To read the response on the internet one would think they are outlawing corn dogs....Yes, I totally agree this will be a hassle. HOWEVER, may I present one piece of evidence...The Bud Tent. You must purchase tickets to get a beer at the Bud Tent...has that deterred people from purchasing beer? Are you kidding? It's still one of the busiest places on the grounds. I agree that most food purchases are done on impulse and if you don't have food tickets, then you must go wait in line, get your tickets, go back to the food vendor and that will suck...I think that a prepaid card system or use your debit card system would be simpler, BUT its not my decision to make. The bottom line is, you bring $100 with you to spend on food and drink at the state fair...once you get in the gate, buy your $100 worth of tickets and BAM, you're set...have extra tickets at the end of the day...you can use them again next year, or here's novel idea..sell them to another fair goer once you get outside the gate...we do that all the time with admission tickets we've bought in advance. Again, I think it will be a hassle and having an assload of tickets to keep track of will be a pain, BUT...this helps the vendors with theft deterrence and it helps the Fair because lo and behold, other State Fairs who have done this have learned that they were being screwed by the vendors by upwards of 20%...Now, some say that the Fair is just being greedy, BUT when you can run a stand on the State Fair grounds for 10 days and make enough money to live for the next year, and I don't mean just live, I mean live lavishly, who is the one being greedy? Food for thought...(I'm getting a real kick out of the fucktards threatening a boycott...I would bet that 90% of those bitching don't go to the fair in the first place or are just blowing out their ass and will go anyway.)
Creighton Prep, a private, catholic high school in Nebraska is now going to randomly test students for drugs and alcohol...(Can I get a standing ovation?) I think its laughable that there are people crying out "Invasion of Privacy" and "Where is our freedom?" I'm sorry, being a parent of a teenager I am of the opinion that until you live on your own, under your own roof, paying your own way, you have no rights and no freedoms. Possession or consumption of alcohol under the age of 21 is illegal. Possession or consumption of drugs is illegal. If you sign a code of conduct policy and wish to attend a private school, you are subject to follow those rules. Yes, kids will be kids. Yes, I drank in high school, but I also damn well knew the consequences. There are far too many times, especially this day and age, where a slap on the wrist is deemed appropriate discipline, especially when there is an important game on the line. There are far too many people who look the other way. Far too many parents who have stopped parenting and are looking for someone else to raise their kids, because they want to be their child's best friend instead. You want to go to Creighton Prep and reap those advantages? Get ready to give your hair sample and give up your pipe...you have plenty of time in your life to break the rules or to fuck up your future...you only have four years of high school. (I'm really getting a kick out of the fucktard whose telling everyone to "hit me up if you wanna learn how to get past these tests..yo" Do you think your name hasn't gone into a data base asshat?
Dennis Rodman...your Visa has now been revoked and congratulations, you have won permanent residence in North Korea!!!! We don't want your dumbass back!!!! Good luck outrunning the wild dogs when your unstable new bff gets tired of your shit.
Nationally known companies are urging swine producers to eliminate gestation crates, or they will not buy their products...hmm are the Peta loving "cry foul" "oh it's cruel and unusual" going to have the same reaction when half of each litter of piglets are now crushed or eaten by mama pig, because that is what a gestation crate helps prevent? You wanna see cruel and unusual, watch a "free range" sow eat her own babies or lie down on them and crush them all....
For the love of all that is holy SAY IT ISN"T SO!!!! There is a Velveeta shortage...Dear God in heaven, make it stop...if any of you are out, I will have a stock pile of the golden deliciousness in my pantry...
I'm adding a random photo in an effort to get rid of Gaga....

New Year

same old me...still fat, sassy and chronically annoyed. So what's got my panties in a wad today? Let me tell ya...
Clothing sizes. Why can't they be more like a set of socket wrenches? I mean no matter what brand of socket wrench you have, 5/8 is 5/8 is 5/8. Why can we not have universal sizing and it is what it is. None of this mind fucking where in Brand X I am a size 16 but in Brand Y I am a 12. Is that too much to ask? I get tired of walking into clothing stores and the fat girl sizes are actually meant for someone who wears a traditional size large, because their size small is actually meant to fit a malnourished 8 year old. I mean, think of wedding dresses... They always say when buying a wedding dress you should plan to go up at least 2 sizes. What the fuck for? You are supposed to feel your most beautiful on your wedding day...do you think making us wear a gown at least two sizes bigger than we normally wear makes us feel more beautiful? Cripes...
Warning signs. The City of Des Moines has installed warning signs on several hills that the public uses for sledding, after there have been several multi-million dollar payouts across the state...what ever happen to common sense and doing something at your own risk? I mean seriously!!! It's like the old warning labels joke that Bill Engvall had...there is a warning label on Preparation H that says, "Not for oral use." (Acting like an asshole is not a medical condition, you can't treat it with hemorrhoid cream.) There is a warning label on curling irons that say "For external use only."(Really?What sick fuck tried that one?) The litigious  society we live in is getting to be goddamned ridiculous. Accidents happen! If you put yourself on a piece of plastic or metal and launch yourself off a snow and ice covered hill, you stand the risk of getting injured...it's common sense and its becoming a thing of the past.
The Jahi McGrath story...how horribly tragic. BUT, anytime you go under the knife for ANY reason, there is a risk of something going wrong. It is why when you are signing your life away at the hospital, they ask for your living will and advance directives. There have been THREE different physicians who have all determined the same outcome...Jahi is brain dead. She will never recover. She is not in a coma, nor is she in a vegetative state. There is zero brain activity. A ventilator is being used to keep a dead body, "breathing." Some experts are saying that she has already begun to essentially decompose. You may ask what "gets" me about this story? I cannot fathom having to bury my child, but common sense needs to kick in at some point. Their "argument" that they are fighting so hard because they are "devout Christians" chaps my ass, because they are making ALL Christians look like denial filled, zealot fucktards. I too am a Christian, but I am also a realist. I would like to believe in miracles. Sadly, Jahi's chances for a miracle have evaporated. The other thing that "gets me" is that allegedly there is a facility in New York, founded by a beautician, no less,  that says they can offer her all the care she needs in their "nearly completed" facility. This lady and the lawyer representing Jahi's family need strung up by their toenails. They are looking for their 15 minutes of fame and some cha-ching in their bank accounts...ugh.
People who use the word haricot verts...get a fucking life...its a god damned green bean, asshole.