WTF do we do with these and how do I get revenge?

One of the realities of living on a farm is that you must be prepared to have the occasional unexpected houseguest. Now, I’m not talking about your mother in law spending a week with you in the guest bedroom or your niece who’s never seen a cow before coming to spend a week on the farm. The houseguests I’m referring to don’t need fancy hand towels or fresh sheets in the guest bedroom. The guests I’m talking about don’t clean up after themselves, show up unannounced and are usually the four-legged variety.

Having lived on a farm all of my life, having a guest in the basement, porch or mudroom is something I am accustomed to and am somewhat prepared for. Or I should say WAS prepared for, as the newest guest(s) who arrived at the farm are out of my league.

Having a baby calf who needs dried off and warmed up with a heat lamp, blanket and a hairdryer on the back porch is no problem. Trying to sleep while the new coon dog puppy gets used to his new home and finds he already knows how to bay at 2 a.m. isn’t an issue. Caring for a small herd of bottle baby goats who require diaper changes and bottles every two hours in their back porch playpen, is old hat. Those experiences, however, did nothing to prepare me for the birthday gift bestowed on my 10 year old this past weekend, as I can now add baby chicks to the list of those who have resided on my back porch.

My knowledge of chicken farming begins and ends with helping my grandmother gather eggs as a child, so when friends of ours arrived bearing a box that resembled a happy meal, experts had to be brought in.

Proper feed and water instructions were discussed, along with the temperature needed to keep the babies thriving and tips how to socialize with the chicks. 

Once the “What in the fuck do we do with these things?” wore off, we found an old mineral tub and a heat lamp and our chicken farming experience began.

Starter feed was included with the gift of two baby chicks (along with pink chore gloves and beef jerky) so we had feed. We put straw in a corner of the tub and found an acceptable watering dish. Knowing that the aforementioned coon dog had not been consulted prior to the purchase of the chicks and also considering that wild critters have been known to pass through while the dog isn’t paying attention, I had no choice but to invite them into the back porch.

Knowing that they cannot reside there forever, permanent housing was discussed. Feeling that the best option was to let one of our chicken experts (our friend Sam) “board” the chicks while Jaci had visitation rights seemed like the best plan. Sam has chicks, as well, and a larger flock than the two we have is preferred. However, Miss Jaci was not keen on having a shared custody arrangement…so on the back porch they stay, along with three new siblings….who, like all houseguests, will soon wear out their welcome. 

As soon as I figure out a permanent residence for the little bastards...paying Fred back for his kinds will be my next task...I'm thinking a dozen guineas in his yard should do it...(If you aren't sure what I am talking about, search for a video of them online and turn your speakers up.)