Halloween
is coming. How can you tell? Because Christmas decorations are in the stores
and holiday sales have already started. (Be sure to tip your waitress, I’m here
all night folks.)
Halloween
has always been one of my favorite holidays, but I have to be honest, my
generation is screwing it up. That’s right, my friends! My peers and I and our
addiction to social networking, political correctness and the mommy wars are
ruining the innocent fun that Halloween was when I was a kid.
For
example, when I was a child your costume consisted of a mask and a pair of
footie pajamas. You had a lion mask? Then you wore a pair of gold footie
jammies with a brown yarn scarf around the neck. You had a Care Bears mask?
Your footie jammies were pink and you put a rainbow tacked to a circle of white
felt on your stomach. Your costume options were endless when footie jammies
were available.
Today,
parents spend months handcrafting the perfect, unique, preservative free,
non-GMO, biodegradable, non-offensive, gender neutral, non-violent costume.
Then their child refuses to wear it and they spend a hundred bucks getting the
Disney Elsa costume overnighted to them in time for the “Harvest Fest.”
Which is
another thing that puts a stick in my craw. Halloween was Halloween and we had
Halloween parties at school. Halloween parties are now “Harvest Festivals”
because its obvious Halloween turned a large number of my peers into Satanists
or is it Wiccans? I cant remember why Halloween was deemed to be evil and
harvest fest won the war of words. (Either way…I don’t know any child in the
history of forever who “chose the wrong path” because they were subjected to a
Halloween party instead of a Harvest Festival.)
Our
Halloween parties were also complete with candy and junk food and revelry. We
had bowls of candy, cupcakes dripping with frosting; pumpkin shaped cookies and
bag after bag of candy corn, because it was a special day. That ONE special day
was not going to turn us into obese, cholesterol laden sloths, because it was ONE
DAY! Now, all food is to be of the healthy variety. And since its all healthy
food you have to trick the kiddos into eating it, hence the mommy wars begin
and the oneupsmanship starts. We spend hours figuring out how to create
pumpkins out of clementines and celery sticks. We transform our bananas into
tiny ghosts and make vampire teeth out of apple slices, marshmallows and
sunbutter (no peanut butter is allowed). Remember the days when we felt we were
really winning when we tied a Kleenex around a Tootsie Pop and drew eyes on it?
And while
we are on the subject of treats…Trick or Treating means you make it rain candy.
Stop with the pencils and the stickers and the temporary tattoos. We want
peanut butter cups and lots of them. And yes, I said we, as in the parents. We
need some sort of reward for the costume creating and that reward starts with
Reese’s and ends with peanut butter cup. Better yet, if one of you could hand
out bacon and vodka to the moms while you load the kiddos up with chocolate,
that would be swell.
(Yeah, this is my column for the paper this week, so it is rather vanilla, but it still gets the point across! Now hand over the fucking vodka....damn it...I tried to keep it clean!)
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