Dear John,

just kidding, this isn't one of those letters,w e are not breaking up..its simply time for an edition of my "Dear (fill in the appropriate asshat name)." It's kind of like Jimmy Fallon's "Thank You Notes."

Dear lady on swap, you've been trying to sell your Mary Kay cream eyeshadow since August. NO ONE WANTS THE SHIT! Besides, its now expired and would cause serious eye funk. Throw the shit away and move on.

Dear CPS, Two children ages 10 and 6 are seen walking alone (GASP) so the police are called to investigate and in turn the parents are reported to Child Protective Services for an investigation. The parents were aware the children were walking, and while I don't agree with their statement that, "the world is safer than it was 20 years ago" I do wonder why you launch an investigation into this matter and threaten to remove the children, yet almost DAILY you read news stories of abuse and neglect that make Stephen King books look like children's tales? It takes YEARS for CPS to figure out there are six children living in squalor, unable to speak, surrounded by dirty diapers, feces and dead cats, but you pounce on parents who let their children walk home from a park unaccompanied? I guess I should be waiting for you to knock on my door as my 10 year old has walked unaccompanied after school for several years now.

Dear lady who wrote Gone Girl, How fucked up are you? I mean, you have to have some deep seeded issues yourself in order to create the kind of fucked up narcissist you created in your book. I enjoyed it, don't get me wrong, but there is no way I would have a sleep over with you.

Dear yoga pants and Reisling, If loving you both is wrong and makes me a stereotypical, white middle class, bitch, then I don't want to be right.