Having puppies...

^^^ This is me today...

Mexican Barbie was released by Mattel last week, as part of the Barbies of the World Collection. Instantly there was outrage. Mexican Barbie comes dressed in a classic fiesta style dress, holding a chihuahua and a passport. OH the HORROR. Each of the dolls in this collection is dressed in a traditional style and comes with a pet and a passport...are Indians throwing a fit because Indian Barbie comes with a monkey? Perhaps the Chinese are horrified that Chinese Barbie comes with a small panda? Can we all just get over ourselves and realize you are throwing a hissy fit about A DOLL!!!

In the Des Moines Register on Saturday there was a huge article about a mother throwing a gargantuan hissy fit because her 6-year-old son was not going to be allowed to be part of a "Girls Just Want to Have Fun" spa themed camp. Mama was not happy when the camp said, "Uh...it's for girls?" So she did what every mother would do...she called in the press. She claims her child saw the camp and said, "That sounds fun" and when he was denied admission he was "distraught." I am not going to get into a conversation on gender identity or gender equality or anything gender associated..THE KID IS SIX!!!! I guarantee 30 minutes after being told of the spa camp, he had probably forgotten about it and was more concerned about what Sponge Bob and Patrick were doing and whether or not his brother saw him eating a booger....not everything we do as a society has to be gender balanced and equal and the same....especially when it comes to day camps for six year olds. FFS people.

Spending two days with the family at a cattle sale and show equals unexcused absence, yet if Junior is caught with an illegal substance and is serving an out of school suspension, those absences are excused....hmmm, smoke at school--yes, help with the family business and make numerous contacts related to future job and college plans--no. Interesting, I'll try and remember that.

April 15th. It's tax day and it's snowing...if that doesn't irritate the shit out of you, nothing will.

Hubs has my car today, I have the hunting truck....

I believe children ages 9 (almost) and 16 are fully capable of bringing their dirty laundry downstairs without Mommy losing her shit. Sadly, my beliefs are wrong and I now have 12 loads of laundry in my laundry room. I also have people who do not read instructions when it comes to laundry products. (I bought some of those Downy scent booster things--smell ridiculously good) It says right on the package--do not put into the dryer. I open up the dryer and practically get shot with tiny little blue pellets because some dumbass assumed they went in the dryer and did not read the directions...those tiny, blue balls are now all over the floor of the mudroom, with the now only eight loads of laundry left to do and the collection of mud/shit covered chore clothes and shoes.(Seriously--Mommy LOVES wasting three full days organizing your rooms so they can return to shitshow status almost instantaneously. And she LOVES extra messes in the mud room because the excessive amount of mud and shit from the cattle operation does not cause enough grief...please keep it up!)

Looks like a whack job just let off explosives near the finish line of the Boston Marathon. Can we set the gun control debate aside for a minute now and focus on mental health and the reason BEHIND the violence, not the VEHICLE in which whack job fucktards carry it out?....

I may need some Gold Bond to deal with all of this irritation. :)

Too short

No, I am not professing my love for the rapper who goes by that name. I am reiterating the fact that all of us know and are reminded of on occasion, usually by tragedy, that life is too goddamned short.
Last night, I had to take Miss Jace to dance and instead of the dingy Memorial Building basement, we were at the studio, surrounded by mirrors. I was trying to focus on watching my darling daughter, but all I could see was mirrors everywhere I turned and me sitting there all Fatty Fatterton. (Yes, I am fully aware that I control what I do and don't put in my pie hole, that's not my point, and we will address that later.)
I went home depressed and feeling down thinking its no wonder young girls have eating disorders and self esteem issues when we put them in an extra curricular activity in which they are constantly looking in a mirror...I was in a pissy mood the rest of the night.
I woke up this morning in a "fuck it" mood thinking life sucked because my jeans were a little tight, my chin was a little more doubled and my hair wouldn't do a fucking thing. (I took a small bit of pride in the fact that I did pack a salad, had an egg while and spinach omelette on toast for breakfast and grabbed a greek yogurt on my way out the door...but that again, will be addressed later.) Still pissy, I stopped for coffee and proceeded to work. I fired up my Mac, checked my e-mails and hopped on FB for a minute to find out an acquaintance of mine, who happens to be just a few years older than I am, had died. Life is too goddamned short.
Suddenly, my ass size, my lack of a perfect hairdo, my self esteem issues and everything I think I lack is insignificant. This beautiful, vibrant, YOUNG, healthy woman is gone. Poof, in an instant. From what I understand, she suffered an aneurysm, while driving her daughter to or from dance class.
I did that last night, too. ...We have sons the same age, both gingers, no less, and have many other things in common. While we weren't considered close friends, she was one of those people with whom you could always stop and talk to for 10-15 minutes when you saw her at the grocery store. We would see each other often in the summer, at the race track, and she was always a good person to stop and have a cold one with. And now, she's gone. Her family is trying to get through the first of countless days without her and here I sit beating myself up over succumbing to potato chips and baked beans last night....I think my priorities are fucked up. Life is too goddamned short.
It seems as though I get this "wake-up call" more and more often, yet I never really do anything about it. I have started to lose count of the number of "Oh My God, Did you hear" moments regarding the loss of someone taken too soon.
It reminds me that my daily struggles truly are insignificant in the grand scheme of things. But, at the same time it kicks my ass into realizing that I need to live each day to the fullest and if I am sitting on the couch with a vat of cold baked beans in my lap and a bag of potato chips in my hand, I am not living life to the fullest.
While I will never be the borderline vegan, eating like a rabbit and exercising every spare minute, nor will I ever be the size two model of perfection, running marathons each weekend, I will do the best I can to be a better me. A better me who lives life without sweating the small things. A better me who stops taking things and people for granted. A better me who will always remember that life is too goddamned short to worry about baked beans and mirrors and tight jeans.

RIP Lisa

It sounded good!

Have you ever read a recipe or looked at a DIY project and thought, "Hmm, that sounds good," but then you tried it and it's nothing but an epic shit show? (I know you have, hell there are entire websites devoted to this kind of thing, especially when it comes to Pinterest projects.) Anyway, I have decided that there are MANY more things in the world, other than recipes and DIY's in which the phrase, "It Sounded Good at the Time" can be applied to. (Or ideas that work in theory, but not in the real world.) Things like:

Paperless Concert Tickets--designed to give true fans the chance to get great seats at face value instead of having ticket brokers jam the phone lines and websites buying up prime seats only to resell them at ginormous prices. What happens is, when you buy a ticket to the concert, you do not get tickets. The day of the show, you must present valid "U.S. Government issued" i.d. and then swipe the credit card that you purchased the tickets with. A seat identification receipt is then printed and you go find your seats. This is great..in theory. Nothing chaps my ass more than finding out ticket brokers have bought all but the nose bleed seats and are trying to sell you the good tickets at six times the face value rate. HOWEVER, what if I myself am not going to the concert? What if I am buying them as a gift? Well, according to the FAQ section, you are to use the person's credit card you are buying the tickets for and then reimburse them. So it would go something like this..."Here BFF I bought you and your husband tickets to see AC/DC because I know that "You Shook Me All Night Long" was your first dance song at your wedding. I just need your credit card to complete the transaction. Thanks!" Yeah, doesn't work at all. The majority of BFF's I know will share clothes, toothbrushes, showers, and boyfriends, on occasion, but not credit cards.

Fat Free Peanut Butter--terrific theory, as if you could sap the fat out of peanut butter it would be fabulous. It does not work, at least not to eat. It's terrific at repairing dry-wall, though. (Fat Free mayonnaise and ranch dressing also fall into this category--epic ideas turned epic failure when you try to use them.)

Obama-Care aka HealthCare Reform. Now, don't get all "up in my ass" on this...I know our healthcare system is broken, HOWEVER if you think the majority of the "fixes" laid out by this plan are good, talk to an insurance agent and make sure you have a defibrillator handy when you get your insurance rates on Jan. 1, 2014.
I whole heartedly agree with the elimination of pre-existing conditions and that is about it...here's an example of why this fix is fucked up...if you have ovaries, no matter how old you are, your insurance policy must include maternity services. Meaning my 65-year-old mother cannot get a policy without it including labor and delivery coverage. Mental health services are also mandatory in all policies. Fine, I can live with that, as I could easily go off the deep end and need committed this afternoon, however...if we have eliminated pre-existing conditions, why are mental health services and maternity coverage MANDATED in all policies? If my policy did not include maternity, but I found out I was preggers, could I not call and add it to my policy when I needed it, since they cannot deny my pre-existing condition? Same with my mental health services...add it-no questions asked WHEN NEEDED, do not force me into coverage I do not need.
How about instead of telling me I have to pay for coverage I don't need, you tell the pharmaceutical companies to stop charging me $300 for a pill that cost fractions of a penny to produce? Or how about you tell insurance companies and healthcare lobbyists to go to hell? Oh that's right...they contribute millions of dollars to your campaigns while we citizens just continue to get raped financially....

Men's skinny jeans....I don't think I need to expound why these ideas only work, in theory...let me add a graphic to explain it...

I do need to clarify, there is a difference between skinny jeans and tight jeans....

See the difference?

Farm girl with restrictions

Yes, I grew up on a farm. However, as my DH learned last night, I am most appropriately titled, "Farm Girl-with restrictions."
You see, I have no trouble jumping head (or more preferably feet) first into a barn full of shit. I will scoop, throw hay, fill and carry buckets. I will bottle feed calves, and as most of you know, goats. I will ride a horse. I will watch a gate. I will lead a calf. I will run a head chute or a syringe. I will chase whatever needs chased and lift whatever needs lifting. I have no trouble getting messy and have no issues washing a calf or a pig or doing whatever dirty work you ask, as long as it's within reason and I know how to do it. If I don't, you can SHOW me once and I can usually grasp it. I will however, let you in on a little secret...I don't drive things (Other than automatic transmission pick-ups and cars.)
DH learned this the hard way last night...he had me jump on the tractor. Pardon me, but when you tell me to give it some gas, I will look for a gas pedal. When you tell me to turn on the PTO I will give you a blank stare and when you ask me to pop the clutch, I will ask which pedal that is. When you combine my lack of skills with the phrase "If you don't do this right you could kill me," forgive me, if I get a little nervous and ask the same question repeatedly...
One would think that this would be a given, what with the lack of skills I have in driving a stick shift and the fact that hooking up the camper nearly sends us to divorce attorneys, but he must have forgotten that "me no have no knowledge of farm vehicles and equipment stuff." Translation: I don't do that shit. Growing up, I had two brothers, PLUS an uncle, a male cousin, and a grandfather who all lived within a mile of the farm. I never HAD to drive a tractor, pull a trailer (or anything for that matter) or hook up a wagon, therefore I never learned to. (Funny, I've gone 36 years without needing that knowledge, so I think it's something I will stick with.)
I think the next time I need help in the kitchen, I will test his skills and see how many blank stares I get...

Baby, I'm Amazed

Now that I have planted a Paul McCartney ear worm in your head...(admit it, you sang that as you read it) here are some things that amaze me.

How many people need a video or pictorial tutorial on how to create a "messy bun" hairdo...Seriously, bitch? Its called a pony tail holder...
Why the "perfect pancake maker," "eggies" and " the wax vac" exist... Have you seen the infomercials for these things? The first two portray pancakes and hard boiled eggs as two of the most difficult things in the world to make. The third, shows a man screaming in pain as he puts a q-tip too far into his ear...really? Are there people in the world who REALLY need these products? And if someone mortally woulds themselves trying to clean their ears with a Q-tip, can't we chalk that up to natural selection?
The people at Caring and Sharing who do not take fresh food because they "don't know how to use it." I am not making this shit up..My aunt does a lot of volunteering with Caring and Sharing. During the holidays they used to give five pound bags of fresh potatoes with the meal boxes . They stopped doing it because very few would take them. The recipients would say, "What do I do with them?" "How do I use them?" (Thud....that was the sound of my palm slapping my forehead) What the fuck do you mean, "How do I use them?" That, to me, is beyond amazing, it's stunning...simply stunning.
People (ahem...especially the hoity-toity type) who will pay ridiculous amounts of money for something you can make for $3...(I'm talking simple things here, like a mason jar with a piece of burlap wrapped around it and a button glued on the front, selling on easy right now for $27)
Young, drunk, punks who think that fighting with someone, anyone, is "cool." It's not cool. It shows that you are white trash worthless...I am even more amazed when said young, drunk, punk (who is usually 5'6" and 150 pounds soaking wet thinks that he can "take" the 6'4" 300 pound guy in the corner....
How my children made it through infancy without diaper wipe warmers, a bumbo or a sling wrap for me to swaddle them in. ( I am also amazed that they are healthy and even remotely intelligent since I did not nurse, but that's a HUGE can of worms that I have no interest in debating here, or really anywhere, ever.)
People who vandalize things....there is a bird mosaic uptown that someone spray painted the word "yeah" over....what the fuck is wrong with people? I mean, really....
George Strait and his impending 60th number one...that's 60th people, as in 6-0...he amazes me, in a totally good way. George Strait is like buttah...seriously, buttah..smooth, wonderful buttah...

Letter time

It's time for a round of "Dear John" letters...I liken them to Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes...hang on to your hats kids...here we go.
Dear Ryan Gosling, Please stick to acting in sappy ass chick flicks and stop writing letters about agricultural practices which you know jack shit about. I would hazard a guess that the only thing you know about livestock and or agriculture is what your PETA friends spoon-feed you.
Dear body of mine, Yes I realize getting healthy is a lifestyle change. I realize it's going to take massive amounts of changing in certain areas of my life. (Cheddar Crisps, we may have to break up--just warning you.) SO, if we could be a little less Kim Jong Un when it comes to changing and adapting to new things and a little more like a "peace loving, lets try something new and different hippie" I think we could have some decent results.
(Speaking of Kim Jung Un) Dear REST OF THE WORLD LEADERS, Can we just go ahead and drop a bomb on this guy's ass? Where is Seal Team 6? Worthless, propaganda spewing, piece of shit is too nice of a description...
Dear MTV, (I know I have already face booked this, but it still chaps my ass) PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, stop making reality shows and go back to playing music. Janelle Evans, Shain Gandee, Amber Portwood, Ryan Dunn...dead, prison and rehab...Would they have made the decisions they made and had these things happen to them without television cameras? Perhaps. But why do we continuously need to glorify their bad behavior? How many more examples do we need?
Dear Lifetime, While I am a huge Johnny and June fan...we've been there, done that. There was a little oscar winning movie called "Walk the Line" that told their story. We don't need a different movie with Jewel playing June....
Dear college kids lambasting the fact that the food pantry available to you is empty, I try not to judge, really, I do, but when both of your arms have full sleeve tattoos and you have multiple face and body piercings, visible to the camera, perhaps you could buy some rice or some beans or some tuna, instead of getting more ink...I'm just sayin'....
Dear beloved DH, I realize we are adding to our income and we now have a growing "enterprise", however, we have 15 acres, could we have selected a different place to put the 50+ big round hay bales and the two enormous plies of random food stuffs? Le sigh...one positive note, less mowing because the grass is covered...(And the family wonders why we can't have nice things)

Put your damned movie away...

I waitress part time, mostly on the weekends, and I am dismayed by the number of people, of all ages, who cannot put their electronic devices away for even an hour, to have a meal at a restaurant. Now, I'm not talking about picking up your phone if it rings or vibrates and hitting ignore, or excusing yourself to answer it outside, I am talking about full out overuse...I am talking parents who walk in with three kids and three i-pads/i-phones and or portable dvd players are whipped out so the kids "behave" while out in public.
Yes, Darrell's is not a fancy-schmancy place...if you order a Heineken, expect our veggie burger to be a soy patty and not a hamburger with all the veggies, or ask what our top shelf gin is, be prepared for me to laugh in your face...this is Hamlin, Iowa, people...and we don't play that shit.
MY POINT IS, we are a casual place...we don't care if your kids act up a little...we don't care if they are a little loud (now, no one wants to hear abject screaming and tantrums, normal noise is expected) we don't care if they act like kids...because THEY ARE! If little junior cannot sit through a 45 minute meal at a place like Darrell's without constant stimulation, perhaps you should reevaluate your parenting techniques.
The same goes for teenagers...we often get tables full of basketball teams, volleyball teams, etc and when you go to take their order or deliver their food, they are each so wrapped up in their texting conversations that they can't even remember what they ordered. No lie, I even had a table full that I had separated by last name (their parents were sitting at another table) I had to say the last names of these kids at least three times before I could get a response..put your damned phone down for 10 minutes, PLEASE?
Adults, there are a group of us that aren't any better...As I pointed out before, Darrell's is not a fancy place...fancy or not, that still doesn't mean I want to hear your 10 minute phone conversation from six tables away while I am trying to eat my taco salad...OR while I am trying to serve someone a tenderloin.
It's common courtesy, but sadly, I think common courtesy is the brother of common sense and both are on the endangered species list.