Dear John,

just kidding, this isn't one of those letters,w e are not breaking up..its simply time for an edition of my "Dear (fill in the appropriate asshat name)." It's kind of like Jimmy Fallon's "Thank You Notes."

Dear lady on swap, you've been trying to sell your Mary Kay cream eyeshadow since August. NO ONE WANTS THE SHIT! Besides, its now expired and would cause serious eye funk. Throw the shit away and move on.

Dear CPS, Two children ages 10 and 6 are seen walking alone (GASP) so the police are called to investigate and in turn the parents are reported to Child Protective Services for an investigation. The parents were aware the children were walking, and while I don't agree with their statement that, "the world is safer than it was 20 years ago" I do wonder why you launch an investigation into this matter and threaten to remove the children, yet almost DAILY you read news stories of abuse and neglect that make Stephen King books look like children's tales? It takes YEARS for CPS to figure out there are six children living in squalor, unable to speak, surrounded by dirty diapers, feces and dead cats, but you pounce on parents who let their children walk home from a park unaccompanied? I guess I should be waiting for you to knock on my door as my 10 year old has walked unaccompanied after school for several years now.

Dear lady who wrote Gone Girl, How fucked up are you? I mean, you have to have some deep seeded issues yourself in order to create the kind of fucked up narcissist you created in your book. I enjoyed it, don't get me wrong, but there is no way I would have a sleep over with you.

Dear yoga pants and Reisling, If loving you both is wrong and makes me a stereotypical, white middle class, bitch, then I don't want to be right.

Just shut the

front door already...you're letting the cold air in...you thought I was going to drop on F-bomb there, didn't ya? Don't worry Grasshopper, that will come in due time.
Well, since no one else has bothered to say it today, it's really fucking cold outside. Like, stupid cold outside. But you know what? This too shall pass...in six short months we will be bitching to high heaven about how fucking hot and humid it is, just you wait! In the mean time, here's a few things that we can go ahead and STOP doing during this cold snap we're having.
1) Stop bitching about living in Iowa. You want to move to Florida, then go. What's holding you up? I get really sick of reading, "I hate Iowa," or "I hate this fucking place." I don't think anyone is forcing you to stay here (unless you're a teenager and in that case, you can STFU and move elsewhere when you graduate). The same is true when a political discussion occurs. The state pharmaceutical board does not change the classification for marijuana, cue the "I hate this fucking state" comments...well you know what? Leave then. Go to Colorado or Oregon, or wherever the fuck you want to go and find something to bitch about there, because I guarantee you won't be satisfied there either. But I digress...
2) Stop the "Back when I was a kid they didn't let school out because of the cold" bullshit. A lot of things have changed since I was a kid and guess what? They aren't done changing! I remember in 1995 classes at IOWA STATE were cancelled due to the extreme cold...guess what fucktard...that was 20 years ago and that was a college canceling for cold weather, not an elementary school, so you can bet your sweet ass elementary and high school classes were cancelled too.
While we are on this topic..."back in the day" parents actually took the time and initiative to PARENT. They made damned sure their kids were wearing a coat and hat when they walked out the door.  Some parents these days don't even bother to look in their child's direction or haul their happy ass out of bed in the morning to make sure their child has what they need to have a successful day at school and a safe trip there and back. Back in the day parents made sure their kids OWNED a coat and hat and mittens. Some parents nowadays skip buying a winter coat because they'd rather buy a carton of Pall Malls or the latest video game to play on the gaming console they bought instead of paying the rent. Parents now a days are also "sue happy." Back in the day if a bus broke down and it took 20 minutes for another bus to come and pick the kids up, it would be no big deal because A. the kids would be plenty warm bundled up in their snow pants, coats, hat, mittens and scarf and B. because shit happens. Today, if that happened to Precious Snowflake, she would be on her cell phone calling mommy the second the bus died. Mommy would have a lawyer hired by the end of the day and Precious Snowflake would receive years of intense therapy for the pain and suffering endured.
Back when I was a kid we went to school from Labor Day to Memorial Day. We had maybe 2 teacher in services all year long. Shit has changed. Shit will continue to change. Maybe the way it was done "back then" wasn't the smartest way to do it? Yes, we all survived and are probably stronger for it, but you know what? I found it ridiculous to have to get out of bed, go outside and go to work today, I have no problem with my kids not having school today because of the temperature.
3) You can go ahead and stop acting like this has never happened before and will never happen again. It's winter, it's Iowa. Chances are it will get this temperature again in a few weeks. Buy a fucking stocking hat. Stock up on toilet paper. Put a blanket in your car and make sure your car is full of gas and your cell phone is fully charged. And if the snow starts flying or the roads start getting shitty, don't drive like a douchebag. Slow the fuck down, turn your headlights on and pull your head out of your ass. Really, it's not too much to ask.

I see

a pattern emerging....once a month, if I have nothing better to say, its evident that I need to purge my brain of things that are bothering me. So without further adieu..for our first post of 2015..here are the latest things causing me to say.. What the???
What the fuck is up with the amount of resources we spend to charge people with hunting and wildlife violations? (I can see the asshairs raising on those of you who say I hate wildlife and conservation...calm your tits and listen up.) It was nearly midnight on a recent Sunday night when it sounded like my home was under attack...lo and behold it was a low flying plane..most likely from the DNR attempting to catch spot lighters. Seriously? An airplane to catch a few people killing some raccoons? We throw money at things like this and then wring our hands trying to figure out "where oh where can we find enough money to fund allowable growth at 2%?" (That's education funding for those of you who don't know what allowable growth is.) WTF.
What the fuck people of Facebook Swap...you never cease to amaze me. One particular poster was asking for help in finding her missing cat. She assumes it got out because, "My two male cats have torn the vents apart in order to get outside..they wanted out that bad." My WTF is two-fold with this one. WTF are you doing to those cats that they want to escape so badly? Secondly WTF are you doing with house cats who tear the vents out of your walls? Are you certain they aren't bobcats? Let the fuckers stay outside.
I know there are many more things making me say WTF...but I have to go to work now..I shall return.

Like wiping with sandpaper...

there are just some things that irritate.
1) The latest woman to accuse Bill Cosby of rape, has now filed a civil lawsuit. She is 55 years old and is claiming that 40 years ago, at the age of 15, she was raped or sexually assaulted by Dr. Huxtable. Whether he did or didn't do the things that the women crawling out of the woodwork are claiming, I do not know. My gut tells me the majority of these women were trying to sleep their way into Hollywood and it did not happen, but who knows. The problem I have with this latest accuser is that at the age of 15 she claims to be assaulted by Cosby at the PLAYBOY MANSION. What in the fiddly fuck were you doing at the Playboy Mansion at age 15? Who the fuck was not sexually assaulted at the Playboy Mansion in the late 70's? For fuck's sake lady...take your sandpaper and move on, cuz you're irritating me.
2) Cher is blasting the use of gestation crates in swine production. Excuse me? What in the holy hell do you know about livestock, agriculture, or reality in general Cher? How about you stick to making ears bleed, keeping plastic surgeons in their mansions and making transvestites squeal and leave the grown up conversation to the grownups? Here's your sandpaper twatwaffle...
3) Ferguson..STFU and move on. Yesterday, 8 days after the grand jury announcement was made that there would be no indictment, there were still nine stories on my Yahoo newsfeed that were about Ferguson, Michael Brown, et al. Did Brown deserve to die? No, but lets keep in mind that he IS dead because of the choices he made and the actions he took, not soley because of his skin color. Take the sandpaper...please.
4) Elf on the Shelf...I get it..you're a neat little rouse that is used elicit good behavior from the kiddos you stalk...yes I said stalk, because you're creepy as fuck...I have visions of a holiday horror slasher film starring Elf of a Shelf gone bad.

Suck it Trebeck

I have decided I am a terrible, horrible, very bad person. And the bad news is, you are too. How can I tell? Just read any article online or in a magazine and they will tell you (as they've told me) how horrible you are for doing X or for NOT doing Z. So, I'm hoping that by confessing to all of my supposed sins here, I can somehow atone for all of the things I thoroughly fuck up, do wrong, or just plain am abhorred for.
1. I did not breast feed either of my children. They are perfectly healthy, happy, well adjusted, intelligent individuals. My boobs, my kids, my choice. See how that works?
2. I use aluminum foil, and cling wrap, and Ziploc baggies and plastic garbage bags and Ziploc containers that, on occasion get thrown away. I don't give a rats ass what goes into the creation of aluminum foil...I do like my lasagna to get properly cooked and not dried out on the top.
3. I don't think that music has to be cerebral, or make a political statement. I think music should make you happy. It should have a good beat. It should be easy to sing along to and dammit, it should be appropriate for signing at the top of your lungs at last call when you've had too many Fireball shots. Which means, I should not feel ashamed to admit I like Nickleback.
4. I used disposable diapers..I had no desire to get elbow deep in the yellow poo my two spawn would expel on occasion. My dogs really enjoyed the chew treats that, half burnt dirty diapers pulled from the burn barrel, would make, too. (And yes, I called my children spawn.)
5. On that note, I have a burn barrel. I burn garbage.
6. I only half ass recycle. Some of it goes in the recycling bin. See #5 as to what happens to the rest of it. I do cash in my aluminum cans. Most of the time they are cashed in when my month is longer than my paycheck.
7. I don't eat enough fruits and vegetables and the ones that I do eat are, most of the time, not organic and they are not watered by the tears of a unicorn or picked lovingly from their vines by unionized farm workers.
8. I couldn't care less if the food I eat has GMO's in it or not.  Monsanto helps to keep shoes on my children and a roof over my head.
9. I eat red meat. Rare.
10. I eat raw cookie dough. Yes, it was in the news today that a woman died from POSSIBLY eating raw cookie dough, three years ago. She was already immunosuppressed...the source of the E coli poisoning she contracted was never determined. Fuck it, I will continue to eat it.
11. I do not read books that are meant to make me look smarter. I have tried to read The Fountainhead, Anna Karenina, etc. and they just don't entertain me. I read to be entertained. Give me a James Patterson or Patricia Cornwell novel anytime.
12. I drink cheap wine.
13. I feed my children fast food and processed lunch meat. Sometimes they eat cheddar puff corn and drink Pepsi for supper. Sometimes its Kraft mac and cheese with hot dogs.
14. I buy and enjoy Velveeta cheese.
15. I drink water from a plastic bottle. That plastic bottle has sometimes spent a few days in my car.
16. I have re-gifted.
17. I buy generic.
18. I don't give a shit what my carbon foot print looks like. I can only hope for the best for my great-grandchildren, because I guarantee the shitshow we live in today, is not what my great grandmother hoped and dreamt for me.
19. I hate the Kardashians with a burning passion that runs deep.
20. I own a deep-fryer and am not afraid to use it.
21. I have lard in my cupboard and I know how to use it.
22. I have no clue what my shampoo is made of. If it smells good, fits the budget and makes me look less greasy, less brittle, or less frizzy, I buy it.
23. I go to bed with make up on.
24. I can't remember the last time I gave my windows a good washing.
25. I do not investigate what the funky smell in the porch is...thats why God made Scentsy.

I could probably come up with 100 more, but I shouldn't have to. This is my life, its how I choose to live it and I'm happy to be who I am. If you do or don't do any of these things, guess what? I don't give a shit. As long are you're not a dick, I'm confident we can be friends. Unless you like your red meat well done...then we may have to have a serious discussion.

Get off the damned lawn!!!!

I feel like the crabby old man yelling at the kids in the neighborhood, this morning, and here's why!

It is the morning after the midterm elections and I am again saying a prayer for the future of this great country. I can already hear the outrage brewing out of some of you, but stay with me here, for I am not talking about the results of the gubernatorial, congressional, state or local elections. I am talking about a vote in Berkley, Calif. that has really frosted my Cheerios.

Voters in Berkley approved a tax on soda, or pop as we like to call it ‘round these parts. That’s right kids, Berkley has passed the nations first soda tax, and it’s a doozy! Shoppers in the city will now pay a 1-cent per ounce tax on sugar-sweetened beverages and the sweeteners used to flavor drinks. Now, I understand that sugary beverages like pop are filled with empty calories and obesity rates are climbing. HOWEVER, I see some problems with this law. Those problems are: diet soda, milk, 100% juice, baby formula, alcoholic drinks taken for medical reasons (wait…what the fuck are those and how do I get a prescription) and sugary drinks and sweeteners distributed to very small retailers are exempt AND the bill does not dictate where the money is spent.

So, to break it down…regular Pepsi, sweetened with sugar is taxed, Diet Pepsi sweetened with artificial chemicals is not? Juicy Juice, which is only 10% real juice is taxed in Wal-Mart, but not at the very small, corner grocery store down the street. Hmm…that makes perfect sense, right? Wrong…laws like this are why we can’t have nice things.

If you want to start taxing “junk food” like you tax cigarettes because of the increased costs associated with healthcare issues related to obesity, by all means, go for it. HOWEVER, you should be required to spell out that the tax is going towards specific spending, like health, nutrition, physical education and active recreation programs in schools, the Department of Public Health and parks departments. It should also be across the board. The only exemptions should be unflavored milk, 100% juice and unsweetened beverages period. Any beverage with any kind of sweetener, sugar, corn based or chemical, should not have an exemption. This law is like the healthy school lunch initiative…a good idea in theory that was carried out completely wrong.

But the exemptions and the tax itself aren’t the biggest problem I see. The biggest problem I have with laws like this is the fact that governing bodies are telling us what we can and cannot drink via a tax. I can somewhat understand cigarette taxes (second hand smoke), but I have yet to see the individual harmed by second hand Pepsi guzzling.

To the people of Berkley who voted YES to this poorly worded law, you give me douchebumps. You along with the millions of twatwaffles who have to watch a video tutorial to figure out how to make a messy bun are the reason we've not found a cure for cancer.

P.S. Thank God No Shave November is finally here...

I have a headache..

The amount of times I've said What the Fuck? in my head today have given me a headache...when you combine that number with the times I've uttered it aloud, you'll find I haven't really said anything else...I'm like a mental patient pacing back and forth muttering what the fuck while wringing my hands....here we go..
Kaci Hicocx....Seriously? What the Fuck? I get it. You're (book) smart. You're young(ish). You're idealistic. And you most likely do not have Ebola, nor will you be stricken with it or infect anyone else. HOWEVER...there is a slim, slim shady of a chance you may in the next 10 days (or so) get ill and possibly infect someone else and that fact is why you should shut the fuck up and curl up with your boyfriend, some cheetoes and Netflix and enjoy your quarantine. Your rights are being infringed upon? Your freedom is being threatened? You're outraged? Bitch please. Try again. You are being inconvenienced and you're being asked to skip your yoga classes and coffee shop excursions for a couple of weeks in order to keep public panic (warranted or not) at bay. Take your lawsuits and threats of lawsuits and shove them, it's called "For the greater good." I guess I fail to fall into that "Oh my God the sky is falling, we are all going to be FORCED to enter a quarantine" category. I also fail to fall into the OMG EVERYONE IS GOING TO DIE camp either, because I am fully aware that the flu will wreak far more havoc on U.S. citizens than Ebola, and that Ebola isn't easily transmitted. I am, however, a big fan of, "stop acting butthurt and take the precaution for what it is."
Parents...I get that we all do things a little differently and that what works for me, may not work for you however, two things I saw today had me shouting WTF from the roof of my office....
A dad in (I forget where, somewhere here in the U.S.) found out that his 10 year old fifth grade daughter (Hmmmm, I have one of those) created several fake online accounts in which she tried to pass herself off as a 15,16, or 17 year old. She even has a boyfriend that she's met through these accounts and he's convinced that she's "of age." Dad found out about these accounts. He had a shirt made for her that said "I am 10 years old" on the front and "5th Grader" on the back and made her wear it. He then had her hair braided with a fuckton** of pink and white beads and barrettes and bought her a cartoon backpack. He then took her photo and shared it to those accounts she had created. Can I get an AMEN and a round of applause for this dad? Can I get a WHAT THE FUCK for the people who are condemning him for "damaging her self esteem," claiming he's "mentally abusing" her or telling him "he's done irreversible harm to her psyche and well being." I guess I would rather my 10 year old have her feelings hurt and have a "harmed psyche" than to have my 10 year old raped, abducted, sexually assaulted, or knocked up in a few years. Call me crazy.
The second parenting faux pas (in my opinion) was where burning essential oils was suggested for getting siblings to stop fighting. What the literal and actual fuck? Now, I understand essential oils can be used to treat lots of things, but....hear me out here....how about you "parent" instead of expecting lavender oil to just "soothe them and keep them calm, so they won't have the urge to disagree?" How about you take their toys away, or take their cell phones away, or force them to spend the next few days doing EVERYTHING holding hands? If I had to hold by brother's hand while he was taking a shit, you can bet your sweet ass, I would think twice about fighting with him, if I knew that kind of punishment was coming. While the lavender oils may indeed be soothing or calming, perhaps burning them WHILE you're putting a proverbial foot up their asses may be a better plan? (This is why we can't have nice things and we are raising entitled, whiny, sue happy special snowflakes like Kaci Hicocx).
Really, that's all I can focus on now...its time for wine...and football and more wine....peace out.
**Oh I have a new word for the dictionary "fuckton" a unit of measurement that is slightly more than a shitton. See above use for reference.