Dear Chipotle

I have thought long and hard about how I could respond the ludicrous attack you made on the American farmer this week, in hopes of selling a few extra over-priced burritos.
My first reaction was to open my trusty dictionary and craft a sentence using every word in it to describe your video collection.
My second thought was to just ignore it, but we all know I can't ignore stupidity. I thought if I could respond in a way that would make just one of your cuustomers think twice about continuing their patronage, it would be worth my time and effort.
I won't pretend to know anything about running a multi-million dollar fast food chain that  attempts to be a "higher-class" Taco Bell, so I ask that you offer me the same consideration and quit pretending you know ANYTHING about the American farmer, because its clear through your attempt at satire, you don't know jack shit about farming, livestock, or from reading your restaurant reviews, burritos for that matter.
While I don't have a $3.2 million marketing budget to produce slick videos and release them to Hulu, I do have some images to show you to help prove your "research and facts" wrong.

This is the face of a real American farmer. He is one of the 96% of American farmers who are part of a family owned operation. He and his wife farm a couple thousand acres of corn and soybeans with his older brother and his eldest son. The land they farm is the same land his great grandfather purchased when he came to Iowa.

They also run a 132 head cow/calf operation with their youngest son. (Gee, more family farm stuff going on there...no factories, no corporations, no large scale lots of any sort.) He lived through the farm crisis of the 80's and was able to hold on, while raising three kids whom he sent to college.

THIS is the face of a REAL farmer, not some evil entity YOU chose to create as part of a scare tactic. THIS is my 68 year old father, who to this day works from dawn to dusk doing his best to feed THE WORLD. The products he grows and raises and nurtures are the same products that have fed me and my two brothers and now my children. Do you HONESTLY think he would feed his grandchild something that wasn't safe to eat? And if you think the products he puts on his table are in any way different than the products he sells to the consumer, you are even dumber than I thought.

This is the face of a real American Farmer. Another pretty evil looking character, huh? While attending high school and maintaining a 3.0 GPA, this young farmer is a three sport athlete and will soon begin his second term as president of his 125+ member FFA Chapter. During this time of year, in addition to school, sports practices and FFA meetings, he manages the calving operation of a 60 head family owned cow/calf operation. He checks the cows as soon as he gets home, hand processing the newborn calves, feeding the cows and keeping records. He makes his final check at 10 p.m. then gets up at 2 a.m. to check on the herd and make sure no cows are having trouble or no newborn calves are in distress. He goes out again at 6 a.m. for the morning check before heading off to school. Today, he is checking the cows every three hours or so because there is no school. We are in the middle of a blizzard warning, but the safety and health of the livestock is a priority. This is my 17 year old son. His "job" is to help out with the herd that my husband, children and I own with some good friends of ours and their children. Again, no giant livestock conglomerate to be found here. We live on 12 acres, we have a small pasture/cattle lot with a few barns in it, where the cows and calves live from January to about June. At that time, they head to a large pasture we rent. In the fall, once harvest is complete, they come back home to graze on the corn stalks in the field adjacent to our property, that we rent from my brother. (GASP..another family farm thing.) He loves being part of a family farm and has plans to pursue a career in agriculture. Do you HONESTLY think that with ALL of the opportunities for careers afforded to young people these days, that if farming wasn't a viable, honest way to make a living that any young person in their right mind would want to do it?

This is the face of an American farmer. This is my 9 year old daughter, she is taking Fred, her bottle calf for a walk. You see sometimes, with livestock, just as with people, young mothers will participate enthusiastically in the breeding part of the process, but want no part of raising their young. When that happens on the farm, she steps in and bottle feeds the calf two to three times a day, until it can be weaned and go to the pasture. Do you HONESTLY think that this child would abuse, mistreat or allow anything harmful to happen to HER calves?

Now I haven't even begun to broach your obviously biased and flawed "research" regarding antibiotics (animals get sick, just like people do...there are stringent guidelines put in place when giving antibiotics to meat animals...but you wouldn't want the truth about that, would you?) I won't touch the asinine propaganda you spew about GMO's. (The sad fact of the matter is that a great number of people still think that food magically appears in the back room of the grocery store, so I would be wasting my time.) What I intended to do today was show you what an American Farmer looks like. I wanted you to see the people you are slandering and calling evil. I wanted to show you just how wrong you are about that one point you're trying to get across...and if you got that part of your argument wrong, just how many other parts of your story are bald faced lies, too?

Signed, An American Farmer who never has and now, never will step foot into your establishment.

Embrace VD

and no I don't mean venereal disease. Today is Valentine's Day, in case you weren't aware due to the fact that you live under a rock or you haven't been online at all today. Half of the online community, let me clarify, half the FEMALE online community is bitching to high heaven about this "meaningless, frivolous, Hallmark made up, godforsaken suckyass holiday", while the other half is showing off their flowers, candies, cards etc.
Here's my take..if you're bitching about it, its because you know your mate sucks at remembering things like Valentines Day and you're jealous. I don't for a second buy your "it's a waste of money," or "he should show me he loves me everyday" arguments. I mean sure, flowers that will die DO seem like a waste of money, but who cares? We ALL waste money on shit daily..can you not just accept the flowers and say, "Thank you?"
And yes, girls your mate SHOULD show you he loves you daily...but the fact of the matter is, he doesn't and he won't, so get used to it.
I fully anticipated getting jack shit from my hubs today and it's ok. I'm not going to start crying and wonder what I did wrong and then assume he must be in love with someone else and start checking his cell phone in the middle of the night. My husband sucks at gift giving, plain and simple. His gift giving ability, or lack there of, was not on my list of reasons to marry him. Does it mean I am going to be bitter and vindictive towards those who do get gifts today? Hell no..I don't get bitter when I don't get a green beer on St. Patty's Day either.
I DO however, have a small problem with a few Valentine commercials I saw earlier this week. The first was for the Washington Bear Company..(at least I think that's what it was called.) It showed that EVERY woman would love one of their FOUR FOOT TALL teddy bears, for the low price of $99.99. I know of NO woman over the age of 14 that would LOVE a fucking four foot tall stuffed bear. They even had one special lady dressed in red and black lingerie lying in bed with her four foot tall teddy bear...sorry sweetie, but that is not what your hubby was thinking when he asked you to consider a threesome.
The second ad, I can't even remember what company it was for, was talking about what HE wants for Valentines Day. It showed that he didn't want a tie, or boxer shorts, or chocolates...I can't even remember what their point was and what the item was that they were promoting because they are all wrong. He wants one of two things...a blow job and for you to try that thing he saw on that movie he keeps hidden in his sock drawer...followed by a blow job. Plain and simple gals. And if he says that isn't what he wants...he's lying.
See, it helps to not get anything for Valentines Day, because then I don't have to give HIM anything either...

Farm fitness fail

You all may remember my adventures in goat babysitting last year, as I volunteered to chore for my brother and sister in law while they went out of town for the weekend? Well, that "weekend" is an annual event that just so happened to wrap up today and this dumbass just so happened to agree to chore, once again.

Luckily, the chores were fairly simple. I was even able to take a helper or three with on Sunday to get the tasks done more quickly. However, that's not to say I didn't run across a few challenges, like this morning's effort, which made me feel as though I had run a half marathon. After all, who needs a gym membership when you can simply feed animals by hand? I bring you the Farm Fitness plan, an exercise program that will surely kick your ass, if you follow it to the letter....

First off you will need your exercise/chore attire...keep in mind at chore time, the air temperature is seven below zero, so layering is a must. I would recommend at least two layers. Be sure to include your gloves, stocking hat, insulated rubber boots (a size or two too large because you don't own your own) and your husbands carhartt coat that is a size 4Xtall because you don't want to ruin your good coat. Once you have your proper attire, you can begin your workout..I mean chores.

Your first task is to go to the hydrant and fill a five gallon bucket of water and carry it approximately 50 yards to the garage. Be sure not to spill any of it as you carry it, your gloves will freeze to your hands and your pants will freeze to your legs. As you are carrying it, watch for the two overly friendly farm cats who are weaving their way around your legs in an effort to try to trip you because, well, they are cats. Also, keep an eye out for the morbidly obese Corgi who will get winded and stop right in front of you with no notice and the farm dog Chester, who will dart back and forth running circles around you, just because. Once you've gotten to the garage, carefully pour the water into the heated water dishes. Take notice that the this is the only time the animals will not be trying to trip you. They will all stop and stare, wondering what in the fuck you are doing. Be careful not to spill any of the water on the cats, as explaining the frozen farm cat stuck to the garage floor to your four year old nephew would be a bitch. On your way to take the bucket back to the hydrant, go down the basement steps and grab the defrosted chicken waterer. Head back up the steps and proceed to the chicken coop. Once there, open the top half of the door. Set the new waterer down inside and then leap over the bottom half of the door. There are two reasons for this...the bottom half is froze shut and the curious cats who are still trying to trip you will get in through the bottom door and torment the chickens. Switch waterers, leap back out, grab a scoop of feed, fill the feeder, shut the door. Check the water and feed for the billy goats and take your frozen waterer back to the basement. 

Now the fun begins. Prepare the milk replacer for the bottle calf and bottle goat. Head across the road to the barn (about 250 yards) and start your next exercise...the bottle calf will be bitching at you, so hop the fence, wrestle him into a headlock between your thighs- so he will stand still- and feed him. While you are feeding the calf, you will notice that the bottle goat is doing the kicking chicken in the corner and appears to be on his last breath. Release your headlock, jump the fence, grab the nearly dead kid, shove it down the front of your coat to start warming it back up and sprint back across the road, down the basement steps and frantically search for the supplies you need to raise the dead.

Once you have the kid layered in blankets and heating pads, start bargaining with Jesus that it doesn't die on your watch and haul your happy ass back across the road. Finish feeding the calf and pray that the vodka bottle at home is full because after this cluster fuck, you're going to want some. 

At this point you will remember that the big goats are out of hay. Hay is located "up the ladder in the hay loft." Begin your search inside the barn for the ladder and hole to the hay mound. Abandon your search when after 10 minutes you can't find the son of a bitch and even though you are inside a barn, you can no longer feel your toes. 

Head out of the barn to collect your thoughts. At this point, you will notice an old wooden ladder, propped up against the barn, wired to the door of the hay mound. Give yourself a pep talk. Go halfway up the ladder, then head back down to give yourself a better pep talk. Head up the ladder and attempt to open the door. Realize that the ladder is blocking the door and head back down the ladder. Move the ladder a tad and head back up. Realize that you haven't moved it far enough. Head back down the ladder and say, "Fuck it all." Try not to kick the cats that are still plotting your death by fall.

Go around the corner, fill a five gallon bucket with feed, climb another fence and throw the feed to the third pen of goats who will act like they have never seen food and appear as though they will jump over the top of the gate and eat you. Do not make eye contact with the bucktoothed llama, nothing good can come of it.

At this point, you will start to feel guilty about abandoning the trip up the ladder, and you recall the billy goats have an extra bale of hay by their pen and their hay feeder is still full. Head back across the road, grab the hay bale. Immediately put it back down. Alfalfa hay bales are a lot heavier than you remember them being. Give yourself another pep talk and will your frostbitten feet to not fail you. Lift the hay bale (with your knees, not your back) and begin your 250 yard trek carrying the 70 pound hay bale in negative seven degree weather, back across the fucking yard, hoping not to drop it too often. You can hope that when you DO drop it that it lands on that fucking demon cat that is still trying to wrap itself around your legs.

Once you've made it to the barn with your hay bale give it to the fucking whore mama goats that you never hope to see again in your life and try to quit coughing, you don't want to lose a lung in the goat barn.

IF you have made it to this point, your work out has been completed. Pray that your toes get their feeling back and that your breathing regulates sometime in the next week, since the negative seven degree temperature has frozen your lungs, nose hairs and soul. 

Finally, remember to thank the farmers who do this shit every day. The average age of a farmer is 55. Go ahead and suck it up at this point when the realization that 55-65 year old men can work circles around the average bear, even in the worst conditions.

That my friends, is the Farm Fitness Plan.

Randomness

Many random thoughts in my head today...they need out! Bear with me!

For nine years I was paid to use my loud, clear, easy to understand voice. I can enunciate like a son of a bitch, but evidently Ms. Galaxy (the voice mechanism on my cell phone) thinks I speak Swahili...she doesn't understand a damned word I say.

If you are over the age of 16 and feel the need to sit as close as possible to the driver of the pickup truck you are riding in I will think one of three things: Your main squeeze also has a set of swinging truck nuts, Your honey is a possessive doucherocket or You have daddy issues. (Gee, maybe the passenger seat is broken...but I highly doubt it.)

Doucherocket is a term for giant douchecanoe... if you are unsure of what a douchecanoe is, read my dictionary and try to keep up.

4-1 is 80%. Simple majority is 50%. Super majority is 2/3 or 60%. When 80% of the people vote for something, it is not just one or two people who made the decision..blame or likewise, praise, should be assigned equally. (And in the words of Forrest Gump...That's all I got to say about that.)

Arrests have been made in connection to the death of actor Phillip Seymour Hoffmann. Fine, great, arrest the drug dealers...however, did those dealers force him to buy SIXTY bags of heroin and then insert the needle? I realize addiction is a terrible disease, but it was still a cognitive choice made by Mr. Hoffmann.

A teenager in Texas got shitfaced, got in a car, got in a wreck and killed four people, two more were injured, one of whom is paralyzed and can only communicate through blinking. This little fucktard will serve ZERO jail time because a judge ruled that he suffers from "affluenza" meaning his spoiled ass- rich bitch upbringing left him unprepared to deal with the consequences of dick behavior...our justice system is just as broken as our healthcare system...probably more so.

I just sent my sis in law a text, in which, I called her nippledick...it was not meant for her...my bad..can I blame it on Ms. Galaxy and her lack of understanding me?

Goatpocalypse happened one year ago this weekend...who is the asshat who said 'Sure! I can chore again this year.?!?' Yep, you're looking at her. There are a few positive changes to this year's routine..the biggest being there will be no goats suffering from diarrhea on my porch in a playpen and the mama goats are done kidding until April. Nanny goats were also added to the farm to alleviate the need to bottle feed mass amounts. I only need to bottle feed one little baby who's mama is evidently a head case...she likes to know where the baby is but has no real interest in taking care of it...it has, however learned to ninja feed off of any mama who happens to stand still for a few minutes, so I just need to give it supplemental nutrition. (We had a baby calf like that last year...his name was Steve...he liked titties...we called him a Tittie Thief.)

Spell check wanted to change tittie to tithe...HUGE difference in the meanings of those two words.

If you are standing behind me at a general admission event, please keep in mind I was a guard on the basketball team when we still played six on six. I know how to block out and throw an elbow, repeatedly. Push into me more than once and you can bet I will back dat ass up...

My new water bottle that says "There's a Chance This Might be Vodka" (C) Hot Mess Mama..has shipped...this hot mess of a mama is more excited than a five year old waiting on Santa...BTW..there will be no chances...it will be Absolut (and yes that pun was intentional.)

Me likey

I have decided that since I have fanfuckingtastic taste, I am going to share things I like with you on a semi regular basis, because I am certain you will like them too. I am going to call this semi-regular posting "It's the Shit" because if Barnyards contain one thing, it's shit...

ZZ Ward...she's "The Shit"
http://youtu.be/5chkHjTNFgk

Now, I am kind of like that e-card...my taste in music ranges from "you HAVE to hear this to PLEASE don't judge me" so..with that being said, this is the other artist I have been listening to a lot..(Keep in mind,  met these guys, they played at the Audubon FFA banquet, so it's like we are BFF's)

Home Free..They're "The Shit"
http://youtu.be/9qhx6tNzmiw

I am a domestic diva, or a half assed one anyway. I like to cook and decorate and own a glue gun..however I am about as organized as frat house keg party on a Monday night and I would rather have a Brazillian than clean so, take my domestic diva title with a grain of salt. BUT, if you are looking for a great blog that has REAL recipes that aren't too difficult and taste good and are sort of healthy (sometimes) check this gal out...Plus, she's from Iowa and she's partnered with the Iowa Food and Family Project to help show people where their food comes from and that is ALWAYS "The Shit"..

Iowa Girl Eats is "The Shit"

http://iowagirleats.com/

Coming off of a weekend in which all things Bacon were celebrated at the aptly named Baconfest, how can one not feature an homage to the greatest food on earth?

Bacon...It's "The Shit" (literally if you consume too much of it)

http://www.tablespoon.com/recipes/peanut-butter-bacon-football-dip/074ab3b9-330d-492c-bd8b-bfbadefc88ff

I'm not wrong

you are...a link to a new study from the UK about co-sleeping popped up on my newsfeed today. (Not sure I can take the report seriously when they misspell pediatrician, but thats just me.) Of course when you read the comment section (you know, the place where fucktards live that I cannot avoid reading?) it turns into a giant shitshow over who is raising their children correctly and who is scarring them for life. Here's my take on it..I need sleep like a junkie needs heroin..I can sleep whenever, wherever, however in any position at anytime of the day. I shit you not when I tell you I can down a red bull, chased by a five hour energy and take a nappy-nap 30 minutes later. I cannot sleep in a bed with a child. That's not to say I didn't fall asleep in a recliner with an infant...just didn't in bed. If it works for you, have at 'er. On occasion, Miss Jaci will fall asleep watching a movie and I will just move to the couch, or wake her snoring fanny up because even a king size bed does not yield enough space for the tornado Miss Jaci is when she sleeps. But if you can sleep with a tornado, that's your business.
 I will say that if your 12 year old is still sleeping with you and your spouse every night, you may have an issue or two we need to address. BUT, no matter your sleeping habits with your children, co-sleeping does not make your child stronger, smarter, healthier, happier, or better than mine, can we agree on that?
It's like breast feeding. If that is what works for you and your children, God bless. It was not a decision that was right for me. Does that make my children less than yours? I highly doubt it, as I know plenty of "sickly" and not so bright children who were raised on the breast. (And my kids are pretty kick ass. They are bright and rarely get sick, and were raised on a bottle.) (And yes, you can show me x,y, and z research that says otherwise and I can show you reports a, b, and c that contradict your findings...you can find studies that say whatever you would like them to say.)
I think we, as mothers, (and dads too if you want in on this conversation) need to stop competing against each other and trying to one up each other. What works for YOU, your children and YOUR FAMILY is the best way to do it, even if it differs from how I did it. What worked best for ME, was the best way for MY family to do it and just because it was different, does not mean it was wrong!
If you choose cloth diapers over disposable..I may say 'Seriously?' and call you a glutton for punishment, but if that is what you choose, so be it...its not my ass thats getting diapered and I'm not the one doing the laundry, so really what's it matter to me?
If you make your own soap, your own baby food, household cleaners and hand sew all of their clothing, I may, behind your back call you crazy, but..if it works for you...Bravo! Sew on my sister, sew on...just don't think less of me if I buy soap and baby food and have a frequent shoppers card at Children's Place.
If at the end of the day our children are happy, healthy, well fed and thoroughly loved, who gives a fuck how we did it?

Take notes

its time for a lesson...it will be short, sweet and to the point, don't worry, and it won't be graded. I have been asked to define some of the more colorful words I tend to use here in the Barnyard, so in the interest of teaching you all some new words to add to your daily conversation, here is my dictionary. (To help illustrate the proper use of the word, I will include it in a sentence.)

Asshat- the hipper, "more fun to use in conversation" cousin of asshole. It can be used two ways, first as a synonym for asshole, as its more fun to say. The second use is a synonym for dumbass, or someone who has their head up their ass, hence they are wearing their ass as a hat..asshat... Justin Bieber is an asshat.

Cum burping bitch- self explanatory, no definition needed... but if you aren't picking up what I'm laying down-a more colorful term for whore...Your ex is a cum burping bitch.

Dipshidiot- When dipshit and idiot just won't do... If you are over the age of 21 and have not learned the proper use of there, their and they're, or your and you're, you sir, are a dipshidiot.

Douchecanoe- Big brother of the word douche bag. It means that your douchieness is so great that it can no longer be contained by a bag...you need a canoe to tote around the amount of douche you possess if you are referred to as a douchcanoe... Kanye West is a douchecanoe.

Douchenozzle- Cousin of douche bag...we all know where the nozzle of a douche is put, so if someone is referred to as a douchenozzle, they are worse than a douchebag... Kanye West can also be described as a douchenozzle.

Fucktard- an idiot of epic proportion...hybrid of the words fucking retard (yes, I know its not PC to use the "R" word, that's why fucktard is gaining popularity)... I'm tired of all the fucktards that live on the comment sections of the internet.

Headupassitis- a medical condition in which someone suffers from repeatedly having their head up their ass... Most politicians suffer from extreme headupassitis.

Shitload- a word to describe a large number. Can also use assload or fuckload...basically it means a lot....I have a shitload of laundry to do.

Good luck, I will be listening for proper usage.