We've all heard the term you can't teach an old dog new tricks...not so! Cuz this old bitch has learned a few things lately! I feel it is my civic duty to share my new found knowledge with you.
Recently I've learned the following things:
When doing strenuous activity, you may feel a tingling in your appendages..don't be overly concerned, UNTIL your chin starts tingling. If your chin is tingling, hope for something soft because bitch, you're bout to pass out....
If someone wants you to try tabata...do NOT, I repeat do NOT confuse it with ciabatta. Ciabatta is a delightfully crusty bread that makes a fabulous base for a sandwich made with rare roast beef and horseradish sauce. IF asked to try tabata, run. I mean stride your mother fucking legs out like a serial killer dressed in a clown suit is chasing you because THAT scenario is less threatening and less evil than tabata. I swear Kim Jong Il created tabata and uses it only when the pack of wild dogs fail to kill his enemies.
APPARENTLY, there is a wrong way to perform an execution. I was unaware of this. Raping, kidnapping, murdering, thieving son of a bitch is dead, albeit in a lengthier more painful way than anticipated...call me crazy but I don't think that I would call that "botched."
While I'm sure there are a few other nuggets of knowledge I have gleaned lately..I can't for the life of me think of them because my arms hurt too bad to continue typing and my chin is beginning to tingle. Dave should feel lucky that we could no longer pick up our dumbbells, otherwise we may have pelted him with them...Til next time
BB
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Thursday, April 24, 2014
Profuse apologies
I'm feeling quite plucky today and I think I know why...
Actually, it probably has less to do with hunger and more to do with the fact that my ass was up at 4:30 this morning to send DH off in the semi-truck and then be at Boot Camp by 5:30. (Although there is a bowl of monster cookie dip that I have been thinking of just eating by the spoonful in our office refrigerator... it has been calling to me, so far I have been able to tell it to shut the fuck up...however, if you find me sitting on the floor licking the bowl clean, don't be surprised.)
So anywho..as I've previously mentioned I have been doing some exercising...this week in addition to my three days a week with my girls and our trainer, I have added boot camp...it's at 5 fucking thirty in the morning, which is a ridiculous time of the day...I am not a morning person...at all...whatsoever...
(That's for you Sam...more proof that I have an e-card for everything.)
My puckishness, or bitchiness if you'd rather, comes from the interruption of my relationship with my mattress and my pillow, and if I offended you...tough shit...I mean, I'm sorry.
I've already addressed Cameron Diaz..now for the remainder of the people/things/stories that have gotten my asshairs all knotty today.
To the lady commenting on the story about a girl with an eating disorder that made her unable/unwilling to drink water.. You not being able to stomach Velveeta, not liking chicken, other than chicken nuggets, your refusal to eat cheese other than mozzarella, and the fact that you love french fries, but can do without potato chips does not mean you have an eating disorder..it means you're a picky fucking eater.
To PETA...you people really are fucking delusional aren't you? You are asking permission to erect (God I chuckle like a 12 year old boy when I use that word) a 10 foot tall memorial to the 500 turkeys who perished in a semi-truck accident near Sioux City? Are you fucking serious? Wow....this after your plan to turn Jeffery Dahmer's former home into a vegan restaurant, solidifies the fact that you are indeed an organization filled with fucktards.
Courtney Cox...you dried up fun hater....a Friends reunion would have been awesome. Would it have killed you to make millions of fans happy?
(Sigh....) I'm sure I'll be even more irritable later in the day...I may be back because
Friday, March 28, 2014
My tank is full
Time for another edition of random thoughts that need purged, there is too much shit floating around in my brain.
As I've mentioned before, I have a very hard time staying off the comment section of any website, blog, Facebook post, etc. If there is a comment section I scroll through it. I continue to be amazed at the level of complete and utter fucktardedness that exists in those sections. I mean, I seriously wonder how some of these people function on a daily basis because they are so fucking stupid. About 1/3 of the people commenting haven't read the article they are commenting on, merely the headline, roughly 1/3 makes a decent contribution to the conversation and the other 1/3 are the ill informed radicals who have no fucking clue what they are talking about, but spew their shit anyway.
I read a lot of agriculture related blogs and news stories, because A. I grew up on a farm. B. I still live on a farm. C. I was a 4-H and FFA member, and my children now are, too. D. I live in Iowa. The idiots that comment on these types of blogs are second only in their rabid insanity to those who comment on the autism vs. vaccine articles. The ones that truly rile me the most are the ones who constantly say, "rich farmers", "greedy farmers" or "farmers only care about their profits."
Listen here you hairy arm pitted, Prius driving twatwaffle...while you're praying at the altar of Steve Jobs, typing on your I-Pad, listening to Adele (who by the way makes $50,000 A DAY in royalties alone) and drinking your Venti mocha latte with soy milk, remember it was a rich, greedy farmer who grew those soybeans. Look up the definition of hypocrite while I serve you a shutthefuckupcake.
Gwyneth Paltrow, could you "consciously uncouple" your head from your ass?
There are now, what 13 different countries who have had satellites spot debris that was assumed to be wrecking of flight 370, but when search crews got there, there was nothing. What the hell are these satellites seeing?
All of you freaks on Pinterest who are obsessed with Loki, Dr. Who, Harry Potter and The Disney Princesses need to move out of mommy's basement and have your fucking heads examined. You take crazy fandom to a whole new level.
Dear lady on the swap site, how in the fuck do you "accidentally buy 8 packages of Poise Towelettes"? I've accidentally bought the wrong sized shoe, or accidentally bought a shitty bottle of wine, but never have I accidentally bought EIGHT PACKAGES OF SOMETHING! How do you not notice after say the second package, that perhaps you've bought too many? P.S. Since you've had them on the site since last November, I'm going to go out on a limb and guess NO ONE WANTS THEM!
I think, perhaps, the only question more awkward than asking a woman who is not pregnant, "When are you due?" Would be, "Honey, what are your thoughts on threesomes?"
I do not understand the comeback of Pabst Blue Ribbon...I get that hipsters think its great, but I remember when the grandstand at the Iowa State Fair served ONLY PBR in a glass...There is truly nothing more foul tasting than a PBR served piss warm out of a keg.
And finally dear Barnyard Critters, "Oh we will FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT for Iowa State!"
As I've mentioned before, I have a very hard time staying off the comment section of any website, blog, Facebook post, etc. If there is a comment section I scroll through it. I continue to be amazed at the level of complete and utter fucktardedness that exists in those sections. I mean, I seriously wonder how some of these people function on a daily basis because they are so fucking stupid. About 1/3 of the people commenting haven't read the article they are commenting on, merely the headline, roughly 1/3 makes a decent contribution to the conversation and the other 1/3 are the ill informed radicals who have no fucking clue what they are talking about, but spew their shit anyway.
I read a lot of agriculture related blogs and news stories, because A. I grew up on a farm. B. I still live on a farm. C. I was a 4-H and FFA member, and my children now are, too. D. I live in Iowa. The idiots that comment on these types of blogs are second only in their rabid insanity to those who comment on the autism vs. vaccine articles. The ones that truly rile me the most are the ones who constantly say, "rich farmers", "greedy farmers" or "farmers only care about their profits."
Listen here you hairy arm pitted, Prius driving twatwaffle...while you're praying at the altar of Steve Jobs, typing on your I-Pad, listening to Adele (who by the way makes $50,000 A DAY in royalties alone) and drinking your Venti mocha latte with soy milk, remember it was a rich, greedy farmer who grew those soybeans. Look up the definition of hypocrite while I serve you a shutthefuckupcake.
Gwyneth Paltrow, could you "consciously uncouple" your head from your ass?
There are now, what 13 different countries who have had satellites spot debris that was assumed to be wrecking of flight 370, but when search crews got there, there was nothing. What the hell are these satellites seeing?
All of you freaks on Pinterest who are obsessed with Loki, Dr. Who, Harry Potter and The Disney Princesses need to move out of mommy's basement and have your fucking heads examined. You take crazy fandom to a whole new level.
Dear lady on the swap site, how in the fuck do you "accidentally buy 8 packages of Poise Towelettes"? I've accidentally bought the wrong sized shoe, or accidentally bought a shitty bottle of wine, but never have I accidentally bought EIGHT PACKAGES OF SOMETHING! How do you not notice after say the second package, that perhaps you've bought too many? P.S. Since you've had them on the site since last November, I'm going to go out on a limb and guess NO ONE WANTS THEM!
I think, perhaps, the only question more awkward than asking a woman who is not pregnant, "When are you due?" Would be, "Honey, what are your thoughts on threesomes?"
I do not understand the comeback of Pabst Blue Ribbon...I get that hipsters think its great, but I remember when the grandstand at the Iowa State Fair served ONLY PBR in a glass...There is truly nothing more foul tasting than a PBR served piss warm out of a keg.
And finally dear Barnyard Critters, "Oh we will FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT for Iowa State!"
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Hello Barnyard critters
it's been a while hasn't it? I haven't been inspired to say much other than the quick tidbits I post on my page now and again...sorry! That happens! If I have a lot to say, you may find I will blog several times a week..If I don't have much to say, blogs may be few and far between. Okay, fine you got me, I ALWAYS have something to say, which is why I have my Facebook page. There are just times I don't have much to BLOG about. And, if I try to force it, the blog becomes not fun...kind of like a fart..if you force it, it might be shit.
SOO, as some of you may, or may not know, I have started working out. Hysterical, right? I know...I'm attempting to get into shape. A shape that is something other than round or oval, on my best day. I tracked down a guy I went to high school with who is now a successful personal trainer, and signed up. Nothing will depress a girl and make her want to dive headfirst into an entire cheesecake more than getting weighed and measured and then having those numbers put into a computer program to tell you your fat versus muscle ratio. (Horrifying does not begin to adequately describe that.) Anywho..I strapped on my gym shoes and away we went.
I shit you not when I tell you it took me four and a half days to get over the pain of day one. I shit you not when I tell you I honestly thought of pissing myself because getting up and down from the toilet brought tears to my eyes. BUT I continued on and am learning.
I have learned that when you hire someone to help you get in shape, you figure out how truly OUT of shape you really are. I have aches and pains in areas I did not know could ache or pain.
I have learned that the heating pad is your best friend.
I have also learned you should not put Ben-Gay on an achy muscle and then apply the heating pad. (Or get into a hot bath.) I'm surprised my bathroom door doesn't look something like this.
SOO, as some of you may, or may not know, I have started working out. Hysterical, right? I know...I'm attempting to get into shape. A shape that is something other than round or oval, on my best day. I tracked down a guy I went to high school with who is now a successful personal trainer, and signed up. Nothing will depress a girl and make her want to dive headfirst into an entire cheesecake more than getting weighed and measured and then having those numbers put into a computer program to tell you your fat versus muscle ratio. (Horrifying does not begin to adequately describe that.) Anywho..I strapped on my gym shoes and away we went.
I shit you not when I tell you it took me four and a half days to get over the pain of day one. I shit you not when I tell you I honestly thought of pissing myself because getting up and down from the toilet brought tears to my eyes. BUT I continued on and am learning.
I have learned that when you hire someone to help you get in shape, you figure out how truly OUT of shape you really are. I have aches and pains in areas I did not know could ache or pain.
I have learned that the heating pad is your best friend.
I have also learned you should not put Ben-Gay on an achy muscle and then apply the heating pad. (Or get into a hot bath.) I'm surprised my bathroom door doesn't look something like this.
I have learned that having a buddy to commiserate the work out with, makes life much easier.
I have learned that mountain climbers are really just a nice name for Satan's March, which is what they are.
I have learned that jump squats ain't fucking happening.
I have also learned that it will get easier, as things are starting to hurt less and less.
I have also learned that those who love to "feel the burn" are fucking nuts and should be happy that Obamacare has mandated that you have mental health care coverage, because, bitch, you need your head examined.
Perhaps, though I am the one who needs my head examined because today, I actually thanked my torturer, I mean trainer...after all I am PAYING him to do this to me...
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
THIS!
Congratulations to whomever post this picture! You win the internet today! I agree wholeheartedly with this statement and have often said, "What happens when that child gets a job? Are they going to quit every time a boss says something mean to them or expects more out of them?" Or, "Are mommy and daddy going to call the boss and bitch at him when Junior gets written up at work?"
GET OVER IT!!!
I'll let you in on a little secret...life's a bitch. It's not easy. It's not rainbows and kittens and sunshine farts. You will have mean bosses. You will have bad days. You will not get everything handed to you on a silver platter with a six figure paycheck. You will have to get dirty. You will have to miss out on dates and dances and special occasions if work happens to call. You will pray for days your children are sick so you don't have to go to work. It's all part of being a grown-up.
SO, ya know what? Stay out for every damned extra curricular event you can be involved in and enjoy every second of it. Embrace the suck that is a tough coach, because you know what? YOU HAVE 18 YEARS OF CHILDHOOD...THAT'S IT. After that, its all of the above and then some.
I understand having to buy your own $150 jeans (mind you when I was your age they were $50...inflation is a bitch too) because mom says, "Hell no, buy them yourself." But, in the same instant...are $150 jeans really worth giving up parts of your childhood that you will never again get to do? You have the rest of your life to work..unless you happen to find yourself a sugar daddy or get adopted by a ridiculously wealthy Sultan...Enjoy being a kid, learn to appreciate that hard ass coach, because someday, he could be your boss.
GET OVER IT!!!
I'll let you in on a little secret...life's a bitch. It's not easy. It's not rainbows and kittens and sunshine farts. You will have mean bosses. You will have bad days. You will not get everything handed to you on a silver platter with a six figure paycheck. You will have to get dirty. You will have to miss out on dates and dances and special occasions if work happens to call. You will pray for days your children are sick so you don't have to go to work. It's all part of being a grown-up.
SO, ya know what? Stay out for every damned extra curricular event you can be involved in and enjoy every second of it. Embrace the suck that is a tough coach, because you know what? YOU HAVE 18 YEARS OF CHILDHOOD...THAT'S IT. After that, its all of the above and then some.
I understand having to buy your own $150 jeans (mind you when I was your age they were $50...inflation is a bitch too) because mom says, "Hell no, buy them yourself." But, in the same instant...are $150 jeans really worth giving up parts of your childhood that you will never again get to do? You have the rest of your life to work..unless you happen to find yourself a sugar daddy or get adopted by a ridiculously wealthy Sultan...Enjoy being a kid, learn to appreciate that hard ass coach, because someday, he could be your boss.
Thursday, February 20, 2014
Dear Chipotle
I have thought long and hard about how I could respond the ludicrous attack you made on the American farmer this week, in hopes of selling a few extra over-priced burritos.
My first reaction was to open my trusty dictionary and craft a sentence using every word in it to describe your video collection.
My second thought was to just ignore it, but we all know I can't ignore stupidity. I thought if I could respond in a way that would make just one of your cuustomers think twice about continuing their patronage, it would be worth my time and effort.
I won't pretend to know anything about running a multi-million dollar fast food chain that attempts to be a "higher-class" Taco Bell, so I ask that you offer me the same consideration and quit pretending you know ANYTHING about the American farmer, because its clear through your attempt at satire, you don't know jack shit about farming, livestock, or from reading your restaurant reviews, burritos for that matter.
While I don't have a $3.2 million marketing budget to produce slick videos and release them to Hulu, I do have some images to show you to help prove your "research and facts" wrong.
My first reaction was to open my trusty dictionary and craft a sentence using every word in it to describe your video collection.
My second thought was to just ignore it, but we all know I can't ignore stupidity. I thought if I could respond in a way that would make just one of your cuustomers think twice about continuing their patronage, it would be worth my time and effort.
I won't pretend to know anything about running a multi-million dollar fast food chain that attempts to be a "higher-class" Taco Bell, so I ask that you offer me the same consideration and quit pretending you know ANYTHING about the American farmer, because its clear through your attempt at satire, you don't know jack shit about farming, livestock, or from reading your restaurant reviews, burritos for that matter.
While I don't have a $3.2 million marketing budget to produce slick videos and release them to Hulu, I do have some images to show you to help prove your "research and facts" wrong.
This is the face of a real American farmer. He is one of the 96% of American farmers who are part of a family owned operation. He and his wife farm a couple thousand acres of corn and soybeans with his older brother and his eldest son. The land they farm is the same land his great grandfather purchased when he came to Iowa.
They also run a 132 head cow/calf operation with their youngest son. (Gee, more family farm stuff going on there...no factories, no corporations, no large scale lots of any sort.) He lived through the farm crisis of the 80's and was able to hold on, while raising three kids whom he sent to college.
THIS is the face of a REAL farmer, not some evil entity YOU chose to create as part of a scare tactic. THIS is my 68 year old father, who to this day works from dawn to dusk doing his best to feed THE WORLD. The products he grows and raises and nurtures are the same products that have fed me and my two brothers and now my children. Do you HONESTLY think he would feed his grandchild something that wasn't safe to eat? And if you think the products he puts on his table are in any way different than the products he sells to the consumer, you are even dumber than I thought.
This is the face of a real American Farmer. Another pretty evil looking character, huh? While attending high school and maintaining a 3.0 GPA, this young farmer is a three sport athlete and will soon begin his second term as president of his 125+ member FFA Chapter. During this time of year, in addition to school, sports practices and FFA meetings, he manages the calving operation of a 60 head family owned cow/calf operation. He checks the cows as soon as he gets home, hand processing the newborn calves, feeding the cows and keeping records. He makes his final check at 10 p.m. then gets up at 2 a.m. to check on the herd and make sure no cows are having trouble or no newborn calves are in distress. He goes out again at 6 a.m. for the morning check before heading off to school. Today, he is checking the cows every three hours or so because there is no school. We are in the middle of a blizzard warning, but the safety and health of the livestock is a priority. This is my 17 year old son. His "job" is to help out with the herd that my husband, children and I own with some good friends of ours and their children. Again, no giant livestock conglomerate to be found here. We live on 12 acres, we have a small pasture/cattle lot with a few barns in it, where the cows and calves live from January to about June. At that time, they head to a large pasture we rent. In the fall, once harvest is complete, they come back home to graze on the corn stalks in the field adjacent to our property, that we rent from my brother. (GASP..another family farm thing.) He loves being part of a family farm and has plans to pursue a career in agriculture. Do you HONESTLY think that with ALL of the opportunities for careers afforded to young people these days, that if farming wasn't a viable, honest way to make a living that any young person in their right mind would want to do it?
This is the face of an American farmer. This is my 9 year old daughter, she is taking Fred, her bottle calf for a walk. You see sometimes, with livestock, just as with people, young mothers will participate enthusiastically in the breeding part of the process, but want no part of raising their young. When that happens on the farm, she steps in and bottle feeds the calf two to three times a day, until it can be weaned and go to the pasture. Do you HONESTLY think that this child would abuse, mistreat or allow anything harmful to happen to HER calves?
Now I haven't even begun to broach your obviously biased and flawed "research" regarding antibiotics (animals get sick, just like people do...there are stringent guidelines put in place when giving antibiotics to meat animals...but you wouldn't want the truth about that, would you?) I won't touch the asinine propaganda you spew about GMO's. (The sad fact of the matter is that a great number of people still think that food magically appears in the back room of the grocery store, so I would be wasting my time.) What I intended to do today was show you what an American Farmer looks like. I wanted you to see the people you are slandering and calling evil. I wanted to show you just how wrong you are about that one point you're trying to get across...and if you got that part of your argument wrong, just how many other parts of your story are bald faced lies, too?
Signed, An American Farmer who never has and now, never will step foot into your establishment.
Friday, February 14, 2014
Embrace VD
and no I don't mean venereal disease. Today is Valentine's Day, in case you weren't aware due to the fact that you live under a rock or you haven't been online at all today. Half of the online community, let me clarify, half the FEMALE online community is bitching to high heaven about this "meaningless, frivolous, Hallmark made up, godforsaken suckyass holiday", while the other half is showing off their flowers, candies, cards etc.
Here's my take..if you're bitching about it, its because you know your mate sucks at remembering things like Valentines Day and you're jealous. I don't for a second buy your "it's a waste of money," or "he should show me he loves me everyday" arguments. I mean sure, flowers that will die DO seem like a waste of money, but who cares? We ALL waste money on shit daily..can you not just accept the flowers and say, "Thank you?"
And yes, girls your mate SHOULD show you he loves you daily...but the fact of the matter is, he doesn't and he won't, so get used to it.
I fully anticipated getting jack shit from my hubs today and it's ok. I'm not going to start crying and wonder what I did wrong and then assume he must be in love with someone else and start checking his cell phone in the middle of the night. My husband sucks at gift giving, plain and simple. His gift giving ability, or lack there of, was not on my list of reasons to marry him. Does it mean I am going to be bitter and vindictive towards those who do get gifts today? Hell no..I don't get bitter when I don't get a green beer on St. Patty's Day either.
I DO however, have a small problem with a few Valentine commercials I saw earlier this week. The first was for the Washington Bear Company..(at least I think that's what it was called.) It showed that EVERY woman would love one of their FOUR FOOT TALL teddy bears, for the low price of $99.99. I know of NO woman over the age of 14 that would LOVE a fucking four foot tall stuffed bear. They even had one special lady dressed in red and black lingerie lying in bed with her four foot tall teddy bear...sorry sweetie, but that is not what your hubby was thinking when he asked you to consider a threesome.
The second ad, I can't even remember what company it was for, was talking about what HE wants for Valentines Day. It showed that he didn't want a tie, or boxer shorts, or chocolates...I can't even remember what their point was and what the item was that they were promoting because they are all wrong. He wants one of two things...a blow job and for you to try that thing he saw on that movie he keeps hidden in his sock drawer...followed by a blow job. Plain and simple gals. And if he says that isn't what he wants...he's lying.
See, it helps to not get anything for Valentines Day, because then I don't have to give HIM anything either...
Here's my take..if you're bitching about it, its because you know your mate sucks at remembering things like Valentines Day and you're jealous. I don't for a second buy your "it's a waste of money," or "he should show me he loves me everyday" arguments. I mean sure, flowers that will die DO seem like a waste of money, but who cares? We ALL waste money on shit daily..can you not just accept the flowers and say, "Thank you?"
And yes, girls your mate SHOULD show you he loves you daily...but the fact of the matter is, he doesn't and he won't, so get used to it.
I fully anticipated getting jack shit from my hubs today and it's ok. I'm not going to start crying and wonder what I did wrong and then assume he must be in love with someone else and start checking his cell phone in the middle of the night. My husband sucks at gift giving, plain and simple. His gift giving ability, or lack there of, was not on my list of reasons to marry him. Does it mean I am going to be bitter and vindictive towards those who do get gifts today? Hell no..I don't get bitter when I don't get a green beer on St. Patty's Day either.
I DO however, have a small problem with a few Valentine commercials I saw earlier this week. The first was for the Washington Bear Company..(at least I think that's what it was called.) It showed that EVERY woman would love one of their FOUR FOOT TALL teddy bears, for the low price of $99.99. I know of NO woman over the age of 14 that would LOVE a fucking four foot tall stuffed bear. They even had one special lady dressed in red and black lingerie lying in bed with her four foot tall teddy bear...sorry sweetie, but that is not what your hubby was thinking when he asked you to consider a threesome.
The second ad, I can't even remember what company it was for, was talking about what HE wants for Valentines Day. It showed that he didn't want a tie, or boxer shorts, or chocolates...I can't even remember what their point was and what the item was that they were promoting because they are all wrong. He wants one of two things...a blow job and for you to try that thing he saw on that movie he keeps hidden in his sock drawer...followed by a blow job. Plain and simple gals. And if he says that isn't what he wants...he's lying.
See, it helps to not get anything for Valentines Day, because then I don't have to give HIM anything either...
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