Trying...really I am!

Trying to let sleeping dogs lie and not jump on the comment bandwagons....but really, have we met before?

Soooo, where to start?

Is anyone truly surprised that Phil Robertson said that he thought homosexuality was a sin? (Newsflash..that is what he said...he didn't say "I hate gay people.") He was asked by a reporter at GQ what he considered sin. He gave several answers starting with homosexuality then added beastality, adultery, and so on...he was never asked, "Who do you hate?" He was asked what he considered a sin. As a Christian, he (and I) were taught that sin is sin is sin and we are all sinners. (If anyone has read his book or knows anything about him, they would know that he himself is an adulterer.) He then added it was not his place to judge anyone and quote, "However, I would never treat anyone with disrespect just because they are different from me. We are all created by the Almighty and like Him, I love all of humanity. We would all be better off if we loved God and loved each other.”   

Now one can infer all they want about what his meaning was/is, the fact of the matter is...why are we surprised that he answered the way he did? 

Now whether or not you agree with what he said, I think we can all agree that A&E has shit in their own nest, as the Robertsons and Duck Dynasty are a cash cow/goldmine.

Now, what? Oh yes, to the Husker fan (not saying you are bad people...don't call me an intolerant Huskerphobe) who is on the IOWA STATE fan page on Facebook commenting that the only reason that BOTH ISU's mens and women's team are undefeated, is because the Big 12 is weak..could you PLEASE get immediate treatment for your headupassitis? Your level of fucktard is astonishing...the Big 12 schedule hasn't even started...go crawl back into your corn hole..

Why pray tell, do we need to see "exclusive, leaked footage" of Paul Walker's car crash, complete with morgue photos? No, just....No.

I am an aca-geek that is an..aca-loving..aca-excited..acapella geek because I am obsessed with the Sing Off. Miss Jaci is in awe because, 'I met those guys!!!' I touched the one with the beard and I shook the hand of the one with the low voice.' So, she's tight with the boys from Home Free and is loving the fact that they are on TV...me too actually. Tim Foust's bass is ridiculous...

Holiday shopping is nearing 35% completion...next year everyone is getting their gifts from Amazon. If it cannot be found and ordered on Amazon, pick something else. I ordered three things from there on Tuesday...they arrived today, with FREE two day shipping. 

Holiday baking is around 10% complete...I made a pan of sugar cookie bars...Miss Jaci is bound and determined we make Mr. Birks some oreo balls, so, I will be doing that tonight, at 9 p.m. when I get off work and am watching my dvr'ed episode of the Sing Off...that is if the rat bastards I live with don't hit cancel on my recording...(Can't you feel the holiday love?)

Bah Humbug!

With the holiday season upon us, I’ve found myself in a quandary…I’ve lost my fa-la-la. With Miss Jaci begging to set up the Christmas tree, I figured I had better search for it, fast. So, I poured my self some “holiday cheer” also known as eggnog with a splash (oh, who are we kidding—healthy pour) of spiced rum and started my search.

My fa-la-la has been slowly fading over the past several years and I knew finding might be a challenge. In years past, I have decorated every nook and cranny and shopped with great excitement. I am the girl that one year made my own wrapping paper and got glue gun burns making fancy bows with silk poinsettias attached. I am also the gal who hosted a holiday bake-a-thon with my mother, mother in-law and two sisters-in-law and cranked out 15 different kinds of cookies and candies in one joyful (??) afternoon. This year…I’m not feeling any of it.

 I braved the basement and located the numerous boxes and bags of Christmas “stuff” and started hauling the big tree up the stairs. After throwing my back out and pulling muscles I didn’t know I had only to find myself half way up the steps, I decided to just put up the smaller tree. (See? I was once a “more than one Christmas tree” person!)

With the small tree and the decorations hauled to the main floor and Jaci excitedly decorating, I began to go through the décor to decide what to put out, what to keep and what to throw away. Each box and bag triggered a memory from Christmases past.

I thought of the time my younger brother got a pony. Santa had left it tied in the basement and it pooped all over.

As I hung the stockings, I couldn’t help but think of the stockings that hung when I was a child. Mom hung our stockings in the double doorway between the kitchen and living room. Always feeling left out; my dad would tack up a pair of my mom’s pantyhose right in the middle, telling us that was “his stocking.” Santa would always drop an orange into each foot of the nylons and by Christmas morning, those puppies would be hanging to the floor.

I thought of all the times the entire Jensen clan filled Grandma and Grandpa’s tiny house and fought over Grandma’s Chex mix, always set out in recycled margarine containers. Being one of the youngest, by the time I got to it, all that was left was cereal, a few pretzel sticks and the occasional Brazil nut.

Grandpa Clarence’s sleigh bells from the horse drawn sleigh came to mind, too. Each Christmas he would sneak away and start jingling them to let us Grandkids know that Santa was near.

I laughed at the memory of our first Christmas as a young family. I had conned Dan into buying me a real tree and I thought I had picked the “perfect one.” I set it up in the corner of the living room in front of the door that no one used during the winter. Little did I know just how genius of a move that would be, as the dumb thing wouldn’t stay up. After finding it lying on the floor for the third time, I wrapped fishing line around the trunk in several places and tied it to the doorknob.

With the tree finally staying upright, a new problem emerged…the tree would give off a funky smell every once in a while. We couldn’t figure out what was causing it until we witnessed the source. You see, our faithful and spoiled rotten hunting dog, Bud, was allowed to come into the porch on nights when it was rather cold. Little did we know he didn’t stay in the porch, but instead took a nightly constitutional around the house. That journey included peeing on the Christmas tree. I was told I couldn’t get mad at him because he was a dog and it was a tree and dogs pee on trees.

This was also the same Christmas where I had volunteered to cook Christmas dinner for my mother-in-law’s extended family. (A suicide mission if there ever was one, I know.) I planned to do turkey and all the trimmings, complete with pie featuring my mother’s famous piecrust. The night before the event, I took the lard out of the freezer to thaw. (Yes, I said lard…pie crust needs lard.) The next morning, I got up and set about to start the pies. I went to the kitchen and the lard was nowhere to be found. I thought that Dan must have put it back in the freezer, so I went to retrieve the missing pork fat. It was then that I discovered where my lard had gone. Bud, on his evening journey had decided it would make a good snack, only his stomach did not agree after he wolfed down the entire package, plastic wrap and all. The evidence was in a giant puke puddle on my back porch rug.

As I reminisced and finished the decorating, the last piece I put up for display was the Christmas basket I made for one of my Grandma’s. (Yep, I used to MAKE gifts, too!) It is just a simple basket with greenery wrapped around the handle and the edge. It has gold ribbon and tiny, white lights strung throughout the greenery and features a lovely bow and white silk poinsettia blooms throughout. In the center is a ceramic Nativity. It was then and there that my search had ended. What had been lost, was found; for there, in the tiny manger of that Dollar Store Nativity Scene was the real reason for the season…there was my missing fa-la-la. 

No wonder we're doomed...

Lets have a simple photo comparison and analysis to show why we as a society are doomed and/or screwed up, use whichever wording you prefer.
Lady Gaga does this and we call her a genius...an artist like the world has never seen...brilliant!

Now, dear Miley Cyrus does this

and we call her troubled, a whore, disgusting and attention mongering....

I'm sorry, but what????? Granted, I could live without Miley sticking her tongue out or licking a hammer, but how are Gaga's whorish and outlandish ways called genius, yet we label Miley's just plain whorish? Double standard much?

Here's another fine example of why we're screwed..albeit without photos this time. A death row inmate in Ohio wants to donate his organs....his execution has been stayed because some dipshit bleeding heart fucktard has convinced some "higher-up" that death row inmates donating organs may cause judges and juries to order death penalties more often...Again, I'm sorry, but what???? I think death row inmates should be MANDATED to donate organs if they are in good health. Judges and juries do not order the death penalty enough...now I know the argument that it costs quadruple the money to house a death row inmate versus one serving a life sentence, but it SHOULDN'T! Schools and nursing homes should be funded fully like prisons are and prisons should be given $5,280 per inmate and the rest of the funding should have to come from donated boxtops and Target.

On a totally unrelated side note, one would think my phone and computer would start to recognize words like fucktard and dipshit and not try to turn them into words like fun turd and dips hit....it would save me a SHITLOAF of editing.

Now, let's see what else can I bitch about...oh, yes...I get having school spirit and hometown pride but to the 20-somethings still living in mommy's basement, your armchair quarterbacking and rubbing the score in is laughable...those HIGH SCHOOL KIDS on the field, are just that KIDS, so leave your name calling, f-bomb skank ass comments to yourself..how many playoff games did you win sweetie? Oh, that's right, you never PLAYED. Oh that's right, you're a female who thinks first down is a drinking game. STFU and go back to your home on whore island.

Speaking of whore island..I can't WAIT for the new Anchorman movie...I can already smell the rich mahogany. 

And we act surprised?

Without a doubt there is a decline in the moral fabric of society...I am at fault and so are countless others. I mean, hello...I drop the F-bomb like no other, where as my mother still cringes when she hears another say it and I'm quite certain my mother-in-law has heart palpitations when she hears it. Its one of those "things that has changed."
Here are a few changes I noticed over the weekend, and with their acknowledgement, I wonder why we even act surprised anymore when someone does something deemed crude, shocking, disrespectful or obscene?
Now, I am by no means a prude, but I found it laughable that the ABCFAMILY channel, FAMILY channel, I said, was showing "Pretty Woman" and "Burlesque" back to back last evening. Excuse me? The FAMILY channel is showing a movie about a prostitute done good followed by singing "dancers" wearing fishnets and pasties and we wonder why clothing for young girls borders on slutty? I was taken aback by that one.
I also saw a study that said that today's PG13 movies are MORE violent than rated R movies were in the 80's. We are supposed to be surprised by that? Hello? Violence is all around us, whether it comes from video games dominated by gunfire to the 10 o'clock news to the amount of television shows that require a warning prior to viewing, we are inundated by violent images, like never before. What's interesting in the study was the juxtaposition (man I like using big words) between violence rated in movies and sex rated in movies. Violence in movies has been increasingly downplayed, to the point of getting PG-13 and even straight PG ratings, where even a brief sex scene, automatically gets you an R rating. It makes little sense to me...we would rather explain gratuitous gun violence to our 13 year olds instead of explaining sex to them? And we wonder why unstable young people see no problem with violence and acting out....I'd rather see them having too much sex.
In a society where parental involvement and responsibility is waning, should we really act surprised at anything anymore? Yes, it's true, I've snuck my teenager into rated R movies and I've purchased him adult video games, but I have also instilled in him a healthy dose of what is real and what is fiction and that there are consequences to your actions.
(sigh) I guess seeing things like Pretty Woman on the family channel is another sign that I am getting old...perhaps I'll start using the f-word less...(gee talk about fiction.)

I am as nervous

as a dog shitting tacks...AAACK...and I'm not doing anything tonight but yelling like a fool with my rowdy cheering section. So, I am going to try to blog and get my mind off of things for at least a few minutes....welcome to another edition of random thoughts.
I hate new bras...they are like new shoes, always take a week or two to get broke in.
My friend Sam is a tremendous veggie cook. Black bean and butternut squash enchiladas with homemade guac (Hey Woman, turns out I love this green shit.) It was fabulous. I think lunch date Fridays, or potluck Fridays will become a habit.
I have officially made it 7 hours in a white sweatshirt without spilling coffee, tea, enchilada sauce or anyth....aw fuck...way to jinx myself.
I was unaware that wing suit flying is considered a sport...I just thought it was fucking idiotic, but what do I know?
If you have a good ten minutes to kill, google Amazon Banana Cutter, some of the funniest shit you will ever read is listed in the review section...trust me, its worth it!
Oh who am I kidding, I can't concentrate on anything...GO WHEELERS!!!!!!! ROLL ON!!!!

Things I will never understand...

Jello...I know what it is, I have made it many a time, i will just never understand how it actually works. (For anyone wishing to give a scientific blah, blah, blah something to do with gelatin explanation--save it.)
Society, as a whole...The CMA's poke fun at Obamacare (brilliantly-might I add) and there is outrage over such "blatant disrespect." However, any celebrity or even quasi-celebrity who poked fun and G.W. Bush, or Sarah Palin, or Michelle Bachman, and the list goes on and on is deemed genius? I don't get it...we're only supposed to think things are funny if EVERYONE thinks its funny?
People, in general...Hallmark designed an ugly sweater ornament, they placed the words 'Don we now our fun apparel' and were instantly vilified for removing the word "gay." Seriously, can we just go ahead and get the fuck over ourselves now? A. Its an ornament people, not a political statement. B. As the CEO of Hallmark pointed out, the point in wearing ugly Christmas sweaters is for the FUN of the event. and C. Did anyone ever think that perhaps Hallmark didn't want to pay copyright royalties? (Although I do think that most Christmas Carols are old enough that they are considered public domain, but I'm hazy on that.)
Pot....seriously, I don't get it....its a drug that makes you sleepy and hungry...I've never needed assistance being sleepy or hungry... EVER. In fact, I don't ever recall a time in my adult life when I haven't been tired...
Plus-sized bikinis...being a girl with a little extra junk in her--well everywhere-there are things no one wants to see and someone in a size 22 bikini is one of them.
The lyrics to the song "Informer" by Snow...seriously I don't understand a damned word of it. I mean I am 98% certain he is not singing, "I'll lick your boom-boom there" but I'll be god-damned if that's not what it sounds like he's singing. (Then again I've added phrases like "yes-around" to Black Crowes songs, so perhaps I am not the one to ask.)
:)

Overwhelmed

There is so much to talk about today, I'm not even sure where to begin! Lets get the serious business out of the way first...
Three days, three suicides in a three county area...my heart hurts for the loved ones left behind to pick up the pieces and to forever ask unanswered questions. I pray for comfort and peace to find them. Suicide has twice affected my family and I know how raw those wounds can be. It serves as a stark reminder to us all to love deeply, listen closely, hug harder and let the bullshit go.
Earlier this week, the internet blew up with a letter that a mom in North Dakota was going to hand out during Halloween letting some of the children trick or treating know that they were fat and they were not going to get candy. Some media outlets are now saying it was a hoax, I don't give a shit if that's the case because even as a hoax it sucks. Big time. Yes, childhood obesity is a problem in the U.S. HOWEVER having a few pieces of Halloween candy is not a contributing factor. I believe I am not alone when I say that my children will eat a few pieces of candy for a few days after Halloween (after Mom and Dad have taken all of the good shit out of the bucket) then the rest sits. Months later mom will find the remaining candy in a mouse nest under the kids' dresser. Childhood obesity, I believe, is in direct correlation to kids leading a more sedentary lifestyle, coupled with poor nutritional choices on a daily basis, not for one holiday. ANY child on ANY given day will chose pizza, chicken nuggets, ranch dressing a sugar snacks over carrot sticks and tofu. The problem continues when that is all they are offered and that doesn't have a damned thing to do with trick or treating. FURTHERMORE if you don't want to "contribute to the growing epidemic of childhood obesity" either don't participate in trick or treating or hand out stickers, don't turn into a sanctimonious, better than thou cuntbucket who wants to tell little kids that they're fat. And we wonder why there is an eating disorder epidemic with attitudes like this? I was a "thick, cornfed" kid, still am. Do you think I didn't know I was a little bigger than some of my friends? Do you think that it didn't bruise my self esteem and make me self conscious? To have a stranger, and an adult for that matter tell me, as a child, that I was fat would be devastating. I'd like to go knock this woman on her pretentious ass and then do it again when and if she got back up. Gah...this one made me seethe.
Today, it was reported that Food Stamps are taking a cut, effective today. Mass panic, mass name calling, mass political debate on who's fault it was soon followed in chatrooms and on comment sections online. First off, its false reporting, the program is not being cut. The Food Stamp program was TEMPORARILY given a boost several years ago during the recession. The TEMPORARY increase has run out. The funding is being returned to the previous levels. It amounts to a reduction of about $36 for a family of four. Now don't get me wrong, there are times were I would LOVE to have an extra $36 bucks, especially when I have about 36 CENTS to my name until next paycheck, but if you think about it, that amounts to $8 per person less, per month. I have to stay on a budget, I sometimes have to "tighten the purse strings," frankly, I'd like to say to those complaining, tough shit. Next time, don't turn down that bag of potatoes because you "don't know what to do with them." Buy the chicken legs instead of the chicken nuggets. THIS IS A SUPPLEMENTAL PROGRAM. It's not meant to cover the ENTIRE expense.
I'm not delusional enough to think that there aren't people out there who rely on this program and who sorely need it, I know that. But again, the help is meant to be temporary and assistance. It should not be your sole source of food. If you have children and you are on SNAP, chances are you also qualify for free and reduced school lunch and breakfast, so that's 10 less meals per week you have to provide..it is possible to eat cheap, you just have to plan and chose wisely. The program is not a hand out to be relied on year after year after year, especially when you use what cash you do have on big screen t.v.'s, video games and smokes. Use THAT money to make up for your $36 loss. It also burns my ass to no end to know that there are jobs out there that could help supplement a family's income, as well, but its "more beneficial" to not work and take the hand outs.
I won't even get started on the Affordable health Care Act and the debacle that was the launch of the website...it's the tip of the iceberg folks and I have yet to see anything that tells me differently. Again, there are "parts" of the bill that needed to be put in place, namely, the elimination of pre-existing condition exclusions, but that's pretty much it, granted I haven't read the whole thing (neither has 98% of Congress, so I'm not alone) but what's starting to come to light with this law is troubling, to say the least.
It's play-off time BABY! Can we get a big HELL YEAH, for my Wheelers? Let's keep that "garage full of Wheelers" rolling! So proud of not only how they are playing, but the sportsmanship and team pride they are displaying. Even when being told by the opposing team to "Go fuck yourself" our boys are still helping the other team up off the ground and telling them, "Nice play."
And finally, I was told earlier this week that I had the "Memory of a Missouri Mule"....I think this is a good thing...I'll take it as a compliment, right or wrong...I'd rather be a mule than an ass!

Fleas...

I'm afraid I have them again, because I am a scratching away at this ol head of mine....here are a few reasons I've "got my itch on" again...
A TA at the University of Iowa is in hot water for "accidentally" sending nude pictures of herself to her students when she was supposed to be e-mailing them homework...I'm sorry, what? How in the fuck do you mistake today's assignment for a shot of your pooty-poo? "Oops, sorry guys...I was supposed to send you the file called Great TITLES, not Great TITTIES...my bad."
Here's another...dateline Bumfuck Connecticut, Mom and Dad go out of town for Columbus Day weekend leaving 15 and 16 year old daughters home alone...the parents decide to come home on Sunday instead of Monday, in the middle of the girls THIRD party of the weekend. They called the cops. BRAVO to the parents. What has me scratching my head is the dreaded comment section trolls...I'm sorry, but one minute you lambast parents over not parenting and NOW, when parents try to teach their children a tough lesson in life (mainly that there are consequences to acting like a douche) you call them lazy and say it was a "horrible decision, the girls could end up in foster care and it could ruin their chances of getting into college because mom and dad didn't want to parent, they preferred to waste taxpayer dollars." Excuse me? What? I would imagine that ground rules were laid down and when the parents found out that the party they busted was not the first, nor the second, but the THIRD one of the weekend, they did what any parent would do..lost their shit..it just so happens that the lost shit included a phone call to the po-po...Bottom line...doubt Drunky-Drunkerton and her little sister will throw another three day kegger, which was kind of mom and dad's point, wasn't it?
Zombies...seriously...get the fuck over zombies....AIN'T HAPPENING!!!!

And finally, anyone who claims to not be a fan of Bon Jovi....you are an asshat with no taste and you seriously make me scratch my head at the thought of not being a fan...I mean, really, Ethel...did you see that ass? (LOL...just found out there is a blog dedicated to his ass...I just became a fan) But really...how can you not be a fan of this....

GAAAAAAH!

As I said yesterday on FB I don't normally quote song lyrics, but "The Rodeo Song" is appropriate to quote on any occasion..."Piss me off, fucking jerk, you get on my nerves," can be said at anytime, especially today.

I've said time and again that I really need to stay off of the "comment" section, but it's like crack....I just can't stop. Today I was treated to an especially kind troll who called me a Republican Terrorist because I thought it funny that Bruce Braley was whining about lack of towel service and that he "had to do his own laundry" when going to the gym that he pays a membership fee to. I added that BOTH political parties were a joke and were broken....hmmm, yeah, that automatically means I'm a republican terrorist..(insert Rodeo Song lyric). Look assclown, while it's true I tend to lean Republican when voting, when one says BOTH parties are to blame how is that leaning toward one side or the other? Also, its doesn't matter if Rep. Braley was taken out of context, saying the phrase, "We don't have towel service and I am doing my own laundry" is a preposterous statement to make in ANY context while the government is shut down. The bipartisan toddler-like antics that are perpetuated by assclowns who call total strangers "republican terrorists" is what's wrong with today's political climate. 

I do NOT agree with everything Republican and I do NOT agree with everything Democrat...if that makes me a terrorist, so be it. I am against the concept that everyone is entitled to the same slice of pie, no matter their work ethic or lack of it. I am against more government. I am against spending more and more and more no matter what. If that equals me being a terrorist, label away you (insert song lyric).

Phew...now that I've gotten that off my chest, please excuse my while I load my water bottle with gin and pause for a cigarette, I may need one after that.

Ok..now for what pissed me off first thing this morning, the dad of the 9-year old stowaway who boarded a plane to Las Vegas without a ticket or a boarding pass, after repeatedly sneaking into water parks, stealing and crashing a truck, all while on out of school suspension for fighting. NINE YEARS OLD...I am thinking Miss Jaci who loves kittens and cartwheels and dance class...she is nine years old. Dad was on national tv this morning begging for help, while wrapped in a hoodie with a hat covering his face and a "family spokesperson" doing most of the speaking for him, as he was begging for help. As I've stated, let me offer this piece of advice, "Insert your foot into his ass and repeat as necessary." He claims that the child was taking out the trash or supposed to be at a friend's house...here's what's wrong with this picture. If my NINE year old is suspended for fighting, or for any reason, for that matter...there is no "friend's house" there is MY constant supervision. I would handcuff the little shit to my side, where I went, he went...if I had to shit, he could wipe my ass. While I do know that there are diagnoses like "oppositional defiance disorder" in my opinion, some of this behavior is learned and it's learned because mom and dad were constantly looking the other way. I'm sure somewhere in Dad's statement was something about "the system failing" perhaps they system has failed, but you know what Dad? So have you; take off your hoodie, own up to the problem and then, maybe your plea for help would be legitimized. (Again, I think we can insert "The Rodeo Song" lyric here....now excuse me while I refill my gin.

I'm offended

this is a shoot off from yesterday's FB rant..because seriously, I'm offended by everyone getting offended. Perhaps I have entitlement issues. Perhaps I just don't care, either way, ya'll are starting to piss me the fuck off with your whining.
While it's true, I've never been (to my knowledge anyway) discriminated against. I am white, middle class, and Iowan....there's not much to discriminate there...so its true that I don't know what discrimination feels like, but I'm pretty sure, I wouldn't get my panties in a wad over the name of a football team. (i.e. the fight to change the name of the Washington Redskins is rearing its head again...and let me guess the poor, discriminated, humiliated one leading the charge is probably 1/17th percent tribal?)
But, the more I think about the outrage, maybe I should get pissed. Damn you Minnesota, how dare you name your team the Vikings? I am of Danish descent, the Vikings were most definitely Danish. They delighted in pillaging, raping and bashing the skulls of their enemies in with rocks. What outlandish and immoral behavior. How dare you glorify their criminal actions and use a dark time in my ancestry's past to your benefit? And you, Green Bay Packers..I am offended by the sexual nature of your team name...the Packers? Really, pray tell who are you packing? And to the USC Trojans...honestly, I am offended that your team is named after a condom. (Do you see how ridiculous this sounds?) Its a freaking name of a football team that honestly, I doubt that anyone really gives two thoughts about the meaning behind. Rename them the Honkeys or the Whiteys and I wouldn't give a shit less. Hell, call them the Wheelers, after all, no one knows what a Wheeler really is....
The government is shut down, there are military families who are not getting death benefits owed to them, there are senior citizens not getting social security, children who are going hungry, healthcare is in shambles and we are about to be OWNED by China because we are going to default on our loans and you want to piss and moan about the name of a football team because, you're offended....well guess what? THAT offends me.
I am getting goddamned sick and tired of our watered down, wishy washy, outraged over everything, ban this, change the name of that, milquetoast society we are living in. I am Christian so I am going to tell you Merry Christmas..I celebrate Christmas, as in the birth of Christ...I don't give a shit what you celebrate and I won't tell you Happy Holidays. If that offends you...suck it Trebek.
I celebrate Halloween, it is a fun, frivolous, candy and booze filled event (depending on the age of the reveler). I don not celebrate "fall" or "Harvest." Just because I say Happy Halloween, that does not mean I worship Satan or practice Wiccan. To say Happy Halloween to a child will not cause irreparable damage, nor will having a Halloween party and if you don't like that, let me introduce you to my middle finger.
I am sick to death of protests and bans and "change this or else." Don't we have bigger things to worry about? Pull the panties out of your asscrack and calm the fuck down...

Damn people

I really do try not to be a heartless bitch, but sometimes, karma gives me the ammunition to be one. And once again, if you agree with the label, so be it, sorry.
I think by now we all know the story of Kathyln Shephard and her friend Dezi, who were kidnapped last summer. Kathlyn was murdered, Dezi escaped. I cannot fathom what young Dezi went through, what she is still coping with and what she will face as she continues to grow up. However, her tragedy does not exempt her from following rules.
Let me explain, Dezi is on the volleyball team and her therapist encourages the sport and her participation is actually considered part of her therapy. Terrific, being involved in a team sport is wonderful and I applaud her, her family and her therapist. Being a part of the volleyball team, she is expected to dress up on game days. Well guess what? This week, she decided not to and was benched. Mom cried foul (calling WHo-TV, CNN and the Today Show) and proceeded to proclaim that the treatment was unfair and that participating is part of her therapy. This is where my bitch comes in....if the team rules are that she dress up on game day and she chooses not to, she knows she's violating the rules and has to face the consequences, in this case, sit out a game. Other players chose not to dress up and also had to sit out.
Regardless of what you think of a "dress-up" policy, it is in place and it was ignored. Damn that coach for actually following through on something. (Need for sarcasm font.)
When I saw the story, at first I thought, "give the kid a break" but then when she said, "I think the rule is dumb" to me that was an admission of, "I don't like the rule, I don't want to follow it." I also thought for a few minutes, that with it being the first of October, this was probably not the first volleyball game of the year, meaning she has followed the rule before and simply chose not to this time.
Sorry hon, I understand you've been through hell and back, BUT, rules are rules, and whether you think they are "dumb" or not...they are meant to be followed and if you don't there are consequences. Athletic shorts, a camo hoodie and cowgirl boots, are not considered, "dress clothes" by anyones estimation.
We had to dress up on game days. My son's wrestling team is still "encouraged" although not required to dress up. (I think it should be required) I, personally, think its great to see a team dressed up as they enter or leave the locker room. I, personally, hate the sweatpants craze that resides in high schools today. (For shit sake, does it really take that much more effort to button and zip a pair of jeans than it does to throw on those "love pink" sweat pants?) Look better, feel better, perform better...its a theory I don't always practice (and despised when implemented at my dj job, where I sat in a sound-proof box and no one saw me), however, I do see the merit in it.
While again, my heart aches thinking of what she endured, accountability has to start somewhere and its a bitch of a lesson to learn. I have much more of a problem with the mother making this a news story than I do with the school standing behind the coach that enforced the policy. If that makes me a heartless bitch...I'll wear that hat today.

Apparently I ask

for too much....for it seems that more and more often I am left with the taste of disappointment..which, frankly, tastes like ass.
I mean, really, is it too much to ask that we have health care reform that just plain lowers costs? I don't want subsidized or given tax incentives, I just want lower prices. Give me a health care menu, per se. I will pay more for emergency room and orthopedic services because I have a high schooler who plays football and wrestles and a husband with back issues, but I don't want maternity coverage, because this factory is closed. Why can't health insurance be more like car insurance? If I get a new car and I want more coverage, I will choose full coverage. If I have an '08 Ford 500, I will take the "liability plus comp" option...if I have a piece of shit, I will take the liability only, BUT I have the option to add more or change coverage whenever I want. WE should, as a fairly healthy family, be able to say, I want X amount of coverage. If the day comes where we need more (we get that new car) we add what we need, when we need it...does that make sense? Is that too much to ask? Apparently.
Is it really too much to ask that our data plan works when we want it to work and how we want it to work? Seriously, since we added data plans to our phones its been nothing but a for fuck around. Retailer entered the data plan in wrong, meaning we paid PER online visit on all three of our phones for two months before it got fixed... Add to the fact that we just got a hotspot...go to use it this morning only to find out that the retailer entered it into the system wrong, so he disconnected it...with no notice. AND we have to drive to the retailer to have it hooked up again, it can't be done over the phone....but I'm sure we will be billed the full amount for the month...Do your job, do it correctly, make things right when you fuck up, is that too much to ask? Apparently.
Can I just once, log onto the internet and NOT have to see something about Miley Cyrus or George Zimmerman...I don't give a fuck if Zimmerman's wife has filed for divorce....this dead horse has been beaten to death...move the fuck on. Apparently, it's too much to ask.
I would ask more questions, but as I've pointed out, my answers are apparent.

Insecure, for sure

Food insecurity has been in the news a lot lately. For those not familiar, basically, there are more people, in the U.S. and in the state of Iowa, who at some point, struggle to provide enough food for their family members. (Wow, lots of commas in there...I like commas)
Food pantries are seeing less donations and an increased number of people are on food stamps. There are many who cry foul, especially in Iowa. How can we, the state who claims to "feed the world" have residents who have food insecurity?
There is no simple answer to this, but here are a few of my theories on the matter...(I am no expert, just a lowly, farm raised redneck with an opinion.)
1) Yes, we do feed the world...number one in soybean production, number one in pork production, number one in corn production, number one in egg production....well here, perhaps this will better lay it all out for you.. http://www.nass.usda.gov/Statistics_by_State/Iowa/Publications/Rankings/2012%20Rankings.pdf

With those statistics in mind, and remembering I am no expert and fortunately, have never found my self needing assistance with food, how many of those products do the truly food insecure purchase? Now, don't get me wrong, there are a good number, I am sure, who do try to purchase dairy, eggs, and meat, when they can, but let me throw this out there to you. You can get a dozen eggs for less than $2. A serving is 2 eggs, therefore, six, high protein, pretty good for you servings can be purchased for less than $2. How often does that happen, when you can get a few boxes of kraft mac and cheese instead? While we, as a state, produce a large number of food products that get exported all over the place, two of our number one products, corn and soybeans, are not "table ready." Farmers take a load of verbal abuse from the uneducated peanut gallery for "feeding the world" yet having people in Iowa who go hungry. Well, Einstein, we do not have the climate to grow a lot of "table ready" products on a mass scale. We have the climate and land to grow row crops, so we do, and we do it well.
2) I believe there is a portion of the food insecure who has no idea how to cook, nor do they care to learn. Case and point...my aunt volunteers for Caring and Sharing, during the holidays, they put together "holiday boxes," with donations given by various organizations, individuals and churches. There was a time where five or ten pound bags of potatoes were on the "requested donation" list. That is no longer the case. Why? Year after year, the potatoes were thrown in the garbage because, "I don't know what to do with those" was the answer given when offered a bag of russets. Do you know how far you can stretch a 10 pound bag of potatoes and how many different things you can do with them? I do, but sadly, others do not. I have another friend, who when volunteering, saw a person load her basket with boxes of mac and cheese. My friend suggested that she also take a can of tuna and a can of peas and that the three things could be combined into one casserole, stretching it a little further and making it a little more filling. The response she got, "That sounds like too much work." Now, again, I realize this is a generalization, but really?
3) Often I read, "When I was growing up, mom fed us all from things we raised and grew and now, all of that land is sold to greedy, corporate farmers." There are a few things wrong with that argument...maybe not wrong, but certainly skewed. While its true, that growing up, a great many of us were fed with products grown and raised on the farm, the times they are a changing, and do you know why? It's hard work. Work that people are not willing to do, work that people are unable to do. When I was growing up, and the generation before me grew up, there were VERY few double income families. Mom stayed home, tended the garden, gathered the eggs, butchered the chickens and canned as much of her garden produce as she could. Yes, Dad was in the field, haying cows, feeding pigs, etc. One steer and one hog was saved back from market each year and butchered and the freezers were filled. Sadly, THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN ANY MORE. And it's not because the "greedy, corporate farmers" have bought all of the land, it's because it is not financially feasible, nor do people have the facilities, time or energy to sustain that lifestyle. (And if you think "greedy corporate farmers" are the reason family farms are dwindling, try googling 80's Farm Crisis and doing a little research)
 How many of you grow a garden? How many of you know how to can produce? How many of you have space at your home where you can feed a hog or a steer (or know how to) or own a chicken coop? How many of you can bake a loaf of bread from scratch? Here's what I know...after putting in an eight hour day at one job, and sometimes going on to a second one, I have no desire to weed a garden or get out the rolling pin and put up a few loaves of bread. BUT, if I had to, if it meant feeding my family, or not,  you can bet your sweet ass I would. But, sadly, there are those who would choose not to.
While raising a steer to butcher or even having a chicken coop is not feasible for the majority of the population (pretty hard to have a 1,200 pound calf and a dozen chickens in the back yard in downtown Audubon) it doesn't take much more than a few 12 inch pots to grow a shitload of tomatoes that can be canned or frozen, made into pasta sauce that will last LONG after the growing season has ended, you just have to have the drive to make it happen. (Me thinks that if you can't figure out how to microwave a russet, you won't be a great gardener, either.)
While, I am getting a little rambly here, I guess what I am trying to get at, is that, while I don't disagree there are more people who wonder if they will be able to feed their family each night, I wonder if the numbers are slightly skewed by the few who don't necessarily try? No child should go hungry, but if that child is hungry because of "I don't know what to do with a potato," I certainly wouldn't try to pin the problem on farmers not feeding their own....

I'm exhausted

because contrary to someone's belief, me waking up from my grizzly like hibernation to find out one is still playing cards at 1 a.m. does not mean I hate him...it means I am worried/concerned, because I (sadly) am approaching the age where you begin to realize its sort of true that not much good happens after midnight. I tried to explain that if I didn't love him, I would continue to hibernate and drool on my pillow not giving two fucks....instead, awake I was and when he did surface, and proceed to snore louder than I do, to the point where it sounded like he was attempting to swallow his own tongue, I remained awake.
SO, moral of the story kids...this may jump around and ramble...Deal. I am also (sadly) approaching the age where too much coffee and or red bull gives me heartburn.
I have learned that more than one Fiber One bar in the day is too much.....much too much...
I feel bad for people who hold grudges for a really long time (like more than a year or two). Chances are the person who wronged you or did whatever you're grudging them for, has already forgotten and moved on and you are just wasting energy on someone who really doesn't give a shit about the grudge you have.
(Note my extreme redneckedness in this one) Those who are shocked about the sanctions handed down to Michael Waltrip Racing, following Sunday's NASCAR race in Richmond, in which one teammate "threw" the race in order to better another, have obviously never been to an IMCA dirt track race at the Des Moines or Stuart Speedways.....ask any driver, it happens all the time....
Those who are shocked that I know anything about this have obviously stumbled upon by blog erroneously, as I can talk NASCAR, and dirt track racing...and farming... (Would you care for me to explain what EPD's are in reference to breeding cattle stock?) and football...(why yes, I do know what a double tight end set is.) I can also talk nail polish, recipes, shoes, celebrity gossip and own a glue gun.
In addition to realizing I have have shitty eyesight and long arm pit hairs, I must also have sucker written on my forehead as I now am the proud owner of $20 worth of ice cold fresh California citrus sold out the the back of some dude's truck.....with Arkansas license plates....at least he gave free samples, too...see I told you I was tired!

Call me, maybe?

A heartless bitch that is...and I may be, but sometimes, sympathy is just a word that comes between shit and syphilis in the dictionary.
This past week we have seen prime examples as to why our country is screwed. We started with teenagers shooting a stranger because "they were bored." We followed that up by more teenagers beating a WWII veteran to death and then saying it was a "crack deal gone bad." I have found two more examples, albeit, less horrific, perfect reasons why the world is filling with fucktards and the ship is sinking fast.
Exhibit A: A gentleman in Nebraska is suing Wal Mart because their weak plastic sacks caused the death of his wife....I'll explain. Wife went to the store and purchased two 14 ounce cans of La Choy and a 2 pound bag of rice. Unlike any Wal-Mart I've ever been to, the cashier put all three items in one sack. (I mean honestly, I've had 20 items in my cart and have gotten home with 22 sacks.) As the Mrs. was walking to her car, the bag broke and one of her chop suey cans landed on her foot, breaking a toe and busting it open. (The official suit says it "cut" her foot, but I am assuming it "busted it open" you know, like when you smash your finger, it doesn't' necessarily get cut, but it bleeds because the pressure has broke the skin.) The wound never healed, she had several surgeries and ends up dying. Husband blamed the broken sack which set the events in motion. Here is where my sympathy disappears. While I do feel for the man, I'm sure he is grieving, is there no such thing as an accident anymore? Why must SOMEONE or SOMETHING be to blame for everything that happens? Sure, like we've all been told by a well intentioned relative or friend, "Everything happens for a reason," BUT sometimes that reason is "Shit happens." This is where the heartless bitch title could come in...I would hazard a guess that a foot injury that doesn't heal for an extended period of time, combined with a can (or two) of high sodium, processed Chinese food and a bag of high starch, white rice, might mean this gal had diabetes, and THAT my friend, was the cause of her death? But in today's society, instead of just accepting that accidents happen, we search for the first lawyer who will take the case and the deepest pockets we can find to pick.
Exhibit B: An 18 year old woman (I use that term loosely) went under the knife to have a boob job. Something went wrong and now, she is pretty much a vegetable, leaving her THREE YEAR OLD CHILD, who doesn't even know mommy went to the doctor, possibly without a mother. Let me stop and think for a minute....first off....had a child at 15...I'm not an idiot, I know this happens, but...let me say this again...had a child at 15, at age 18, you think you need bigger boobs, an ELECTIVE surgery. People, people, people, in ANY surgical procedure, something can happen. Going under anesthesia and under the knife can be dangerous. Lady, I'm sure your three year old, now motherless child (for the time being at the very least) really could give two shits how big your tits are.
On a completely unrelated note, Grant Sheeder--class act. He's respectful, professional and the farthest thing from cocky you will experience and he's doing great things for Guthrie County and in turn, southwest Iowa. The guy running a certain music show coming up in two weeks. Not so much. They way you treat people will spread like wildfire. Good luck ever reaching the levels Grant has reached.
Oh and one more thing....if you want people to shop local and to keep their business in town. Be as competitive as you can be, but above all else...be honest, don't be surprised when customers shop out of town when you bald face lie to them. That is all...as you were...

I really don't like

living in this world anymore. I know I should have learned a thousand times over to stop reading the "comments" section on news stories or Facebook pages, but alas, I have not.
A mountain lion has been spotted in Altoona, twice now in three days, recess was cancelled. A local television station asked the question, "What should be done?" The hilarity ensued in the comments section. Here were some of the nuggets of wisdom that spewed forth:
"People have been taking over the Mountain lions habitat for 200 years."
"Relocate it, its not the poor animals fault that we've encroached on its territory" (Seriously impressed that the moron could spell encroached, BTW.)
"Release it in a rural area."
Then it got really funny because someone with common sense said, "Sure, release it into the rural area where WE have to deal with it." Which was followed by, "If you don't want nature at your back door, don't live in rural Iowa. There are possums and raccoons that get near a playground, and they bite too, but we don't cancel recess if we spot one of them."
At this point it was palm to the forehead.....listen douchebag...I don't mind nature at my back door if its a possum or a raccoon, as those animals are omnivores, meaning, they will snoop through my garbage looking for tasty morsels and leftovers, as long as its edible, they will eat it. That also means, more often than not, they are not HUNTING. If they are hunting, they certainly aren't hunting a dog, or a calf or a horse. A raccoon won't pounce on Fred, our bottle calf, and then use our corgi, Miley, as a toothpick, like an "innocent, defenseless" mountain lion would. When a mountain lion is spotted in the same area repeatedly, more often than not, it means it has "stalked its prey" (i.e. it has seen you let little Fluffy out to take a piss at the same time everyday and if his timing is right, little Fluffy will be Mr. Mountain Lion's afternoon snack.)
 FURTHER MORE..mountain lions are not native to Iowa...hence the name MOUNTAIN LION...sure as fuck aren't many mountains in Iowa are there?  And for those preaching that humans have been encroaching on the native habitat for hundreds of years, go ahead and walk into rush hour traffic on 235, would ya? As YOU are human...YOU have a hand in the encroachment, just like the rest of us do, so the ridiculousness of your statement just increased tenfold.
The idiocy and complete stupidity of these people makes me scared of the world I live in. This person however, should get a medal for their tongue in cheek interpretation of what should be done....
"Wait. After reading all the comments, I think the only way to make everyone happy is to home school it, allow it to marry the same sex animal, arm it with a shotgun, pay for it and it's families Obama care and free cell phones, give it a lil boost without a drug test and allow it some food stamps and call er a day. Now that's the American way." 

On a totally different note: Is this heat wave about over? I am sick to death of swamp ass and boob sweat....When I was a young girl, I was mortified when I saw my great aunt, literally throw one of her ta-tas over her shoulder and run her Arid X-Tra dry underneath. I mean it scarred me for life...that is until this heat wave started and I began to realize her true genius. How to deal with boob sweat is one of those topics that is never shared as you age...kind of like the magic of tucks medicated pads after child birth....I guess if we told our younger selves that boob sweat was something you would have to deal with as you aged, we would all be scarred for life.

Yeah, I'm still scratchy

more and more things are irritating me this week and again making it look like I have a raging case of fleas.
Now, honestly, I don't want to look like a backwoods racist hillbilly here, but riddle me this Batman....
A latino/caucasian man kills an unarmed black youth and its instantly labeled a matter of race and protests breakout across the country. The President even makes ridiculous race based comments on the case.
Two black teenagers and one white teenager shoot an unarmed white man because they were bored. Not a racial issue.
Two black teenagers beat to death an unarmed World War II veteran. Not a race issue and YOU are the racist one if you say otherwise....
I'm sorry...but WTF? While it's true that it doesn't matter if the teenagers committing these crimes were black, white, orange, or purple, their crimes were horrendous, what matters is the Martin/Zimmerman case received world wide attention, with the race card being thrown left and right...Not once has the race card been thrown in these cases. Tell me President Obama, would your son have looked like Chancy Allen Luna? (To me, the President making that type of a statement regarding Trayvon Martin ranks right up there next to dairy cow rape on the ridiculous statement meter.)
The lawyer for Bradley/Chelsea Manning thinks that the government (i.e. read tax payers) should pay for his/her hormone therapy and sex "reassignment surgery" while he serves a 35 year prison sentence at Ft. Knox.....(excuse me while I scratch feverishly) Ok, Mr./Ms. Manning, you feel as though you are a woman trapped in a man's body...ok, can't be a fun feeling, I understand that. There is treatment and surgery to fix that feeling. OK, get that too. During your trial it was stated that your gender confusion/stress led to you committing your crimes....mmmm...ok, I maybe see that, but you're reaching here. Throughout your entire trial, you were Bradley. Came to Court dressed as Bradley, answered to Bradley. Now all of the sudden you demand to be Chelsea. Here's where I am perplexed. Why didn't you come to court, even once, dressed as Chelsea, if that's who you really are? Further more, why should I, as a taxpayer, have to pay for your surgery while you ARE IN PRISON? I mean, if I committed a crime and had to be imprisoned could I get tax payer paid lipo or have my stomach stapled because I identify myself as a 110 pound woman? (Yes, I know that Ft. Knox has said they will not give the therapy or the surgery, but for the lawyer to fight this, to me, is...you guessed it.) If he were ALREADY undergoing the therapy and treatments and needed to continue those treatments, then perhaps, I could see continuing the therapy, at his OWN expense, but seeing as how he's not been on this therapy and wants to start it, now that he's been convicted, yeah...no.
Can't get this one....Spend 75% of your free time with your friends and can't figure out why your other half is pissy and not "feeling the love?" Yeah, that one has me scratched bald in some places....
Explain to me the sudden influx of people using the word vintage? Do you really think that placing the label "vintage" on your slightly  older, slightly used pile of crap will magically make it worth five times the money?
I think I've complained about this one before, but seriously, men's jeans companies, WHEN, pray tell, will you learn that waist sizes below 32 or above 48, need to have inseams greater than 30 or 32? It's a real bitch shopping for the tall and skinny and the tall and not so skinny....Really, you think a 6'4" 350 guy needs a 30 inch inseam? Bitch, please....

If you see me scratching

my head, don't worry, I don't have cooties or anything, it's just that I am frequently perplexed and scratch my head at issues, statements, policies, people, etc. on a frequent basis.
Here's what has me itching today....
Football players cannot have two a day football practices, because of health reasons, so says the Iowa High School Athletic Association (or union, whatever the hell you idiots call yourself). BUT there is no problem with the volleyball team practicing twice a day...hmmm....girls tougher than the boys? The furthered pussification of today's youth? Couldn't someone call this discrimination or something? Girls can run/lift/condition in the morning and then practice later in the day, but boys cannot? Something is fishy in Denmark with this one.
Studies have shown that underage/binge drinking in Audubon County is at an all time high and grant money has been given to aid with the prevention of it. Could it be perhaps that it's due to the fact that there is relatively no punishment given when handed an MIP, beyond a ticket with a fine? (Now, disclaimer, I myself got an MIP once upon a time. It was called possession by an 18, 19, or 20 year old. I was fined, heavily, and had to drive to Sac City to appear in court.) I remember back in the day when my older brother got a MIP. He had to drive to Atlantic for classes, perform community service (cleaning school buses, if I remember correctly) AND he had to sit out an ENTIRE athletic season. He took out for baseball that summer; went to all practices and sat on the bench the entire time, to avoid missing football. The point is, he thought twice about it next time and learned to dislike baseball immensely. I've read the conduct policies from both area schools. I wonder how often a child gets caught violating the code of conduct, but is not punished because it's never brought to attention, or its swept under the rug? If we want to really try to curb underage drinking, you sometimes have to hit kids where it hurts. Now, again, I'm not saying I never drank in High School, but I am saying that if I had to sit out an entire season of whatever I was involved in, or if I  knew I was going to be punished severly, I and my peers, probably would have thought twice before cracking open that can. If we are going to try to make the effort to curb this problem, then lets make the effort, lets not just talk about it.
If you take your child through a cattle barn at the state fair, be prepared for your child to step in shit. (Here's some back story...) There is a page on Facebook called "The People of the State Fair" or something like that. There was a picture of a kid stepping in fresh pile of shit..the kid was crying, the mom was flipping the fuck out and someone form the cattle barn was coming to the rescue with a bucket of water. Here's the scratchy part of the situation, again, the great fucktards of society were out in full force in the comments section...the boyfriend of the gal freaking out was calling everyone who said, "shit happens," or "get over it," a bunch of redneck hillbillies, yet he goes on to state that he challenges anyone out there to go one on one with the girlfriend because she "kicked ass at coleslaw wrestling during bike week." Thinks that one who steps in cowshit in a cattle barn and goes about their merry way is a hillbilly, thinks that coleslaw wrestling is not....hmmm that one really has me itchy.