Seriously? STFU....

I'm going to keep this relatively short and sweet today...I fully realize that we, as women, are catty, bitchy, jealous creatures and by no means do I ever expect the female collective to join together and sing 'Kumbaya' on a regular basis...that shit ain't happening. However, can we please, please, please stop giving EACH OTHER complexes over our appearance? Society, as a whole; the media, the fashion industry and things with penises give us plenty of reason to hate our bodies, so WHY, pray tell do we need to do it to each other?

Plain and simple start sending this skank some hate mail (yes, I realize by calling her a skank I am defeating the whole 'stop picking on each other movement' but you will understand the need for the title of stupid skankbucket in a moment..)

Meet Anna Megan Raley, who goes by the pen name Claire Crawley, she is a blogger for CBS. She...as in the one posted above this ^^^^^^^^^ called another gal "too chunky to cheer."
Here is the gal she called "Too Chunky to Cheer."

Bitch, please...Jealous much????? The gal pictured here ^^^^^ is a cheerleader for the Oklahoma City Thunder.... Her name is Kelsey Williams...

Too Chunky to Cheer????? I cannot even come up with a remark disparaging enough to express my disgust for Ms. Raley....
I'd like to bitchslap the skankbucket....

JC

First class ticket to the nuthouse

They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results....no shit Sherlock. The sad thing is, ALL of us are guilty of causing insanity in our own lives. What I would like to see is that we either change what we are doing in order to get different results or just shut the fuck up...
Now, I will say this, I love you all my followers and Facebook friends, but I got to come clean with ya...if you keep making the same mistakes over and over and over again, and bitching about those mistakes over and over and over again, you are going to get bitch slapped, MMM-kay? It doesn't mean I don't like you, it just means you need to wake the fuck up. (Sorry, I think Kenny may still be lurking around here.)

If you only date immature, drunken, douchebag losers, that is what you will be stuck with...so, when you break up, don't go back to the immature, drunken, douchebag loser. (Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.) Another note, and I can say this because A. I am old and B. I have experience in the matter. No matter what you think, you will not change him. He is not a science project, he is not a rescue pet, he be who he be and there is nothing you can do to make him different. You will simply adapt to his ways and either learn to live with them or you will get the fuck out.

If you think the world owes you something and that "society" didn't prepare you for life, you need a fist to the throat.. Blaming a group of others for your failures or shortcomings is like me blaming the Lay's Potato Chip Company for the size of my ass. They make chips, therefore it is their fault I am fat....um no. Here's a quick life lesson...life is a bitch. Do not expect to get handed things (unless you are a welfare rat.) Do not expect things to be tidy and simple and always organized. Life is messy and complicated and frequently fucked up. No, you will not always get the top job. No, you will not make six figures right out of college. No you will not always live in a nice house and drive a new car. There may be a day where you have to wipe someone's ass while living in a rental property and driving a Mercury Topaz... Not to go all lame ass quote happy on you but, in the words of the Gambler, "You got to know when to hold em and know when to fold em." Sometimes you go ahead and play the hand you were dealt, other times you say "fuck it" and wait for the next hand, but no matter what, it's not the fault of the dealer, its how YOU play the game.

Both of these go back to a previous post, take ownership of what you do and the choices you make. Be accountable. Don't blame others for the path you are on. It's not to say others don't exude a certain influence on you, but at the end of the day, the choices you make are YOURS...if you choose to take the douchebag back, chances are, he's going to fuck you over again. If you choose to blame someone else for something you had control over, chances are you will make the same mistake. If you choose to eat the cheddar crisps and not the celery, your jeans will continue to be tight...
I don't want to come across as a cold hearted bitch, because I know that we all need encouragement once in a while and we all need to bitch and gripe and get things off of our chest, but at the same time, stop for a minute and think about the choices you make and the outcome of those choices. If at the end of the day you are going to be okay with what happens, then more power to ya. If you aren't okay with what might happen...then stop the insanity...

Listen here you WhipperSnappers...

You'll have to forgive me, it seems as though the crotchety old man who lives inside me has a lot to say. For the sake of simplicity, we will call that my "Kenny" side...(For those of you who get that reference, good work.)
Anywho Kenny is pissed. Kenny is wishing we could go back to a time where people had respect for each other. A time where your word meant something. A time when people had pride and ambition and accountability. But unfortunately, accountability is hiding in the same black hole that common sense is hanging out in.
What has triggered Kenny's rage? Well, nothing in particular, Kenny is just an old asshole who likes to bitch about things and today, he's going to bitch about government hand outs, which in a round about way leads back to accountability. We, as a society don't hold people accountable like we should, with the exception of criminals and even then, the ground is shaky there. We make excuses and put asterisks next to their names. We say, "His mommy didn't love him enough, his mommy loved him too much, he has a mental defect, he started hanging out with the wrong crowd." Bullshit, Kenny says. Why can we not just say, "He made a bad decision, he needs to own up to it and live with the consequences."
Not following me yet? Think of the 16-year-old pothead named Janelle who gets pregnant. Do we hold her accountable for a poor choice? Nope, we put her on MTV, throw cash at her and call her miserable life entertainment.
Here's one more for you and this example, we (as in Kenny and I) think this will help you understand where we are going here...Miss Thing drops out of high school at 15 because she, like Janelle, is with child. Instead of making the best of her situation and attempting to get a GED and a job, she shits out four more kids with three different baby daddies and signs up for every government hand out she can get, because we didn't hold her accountable for her first bad choice. We said, "There, there, here's some food stamps and some rent assistance." Meanwhile, she sits on her front porch all day in her pajama pants smoking Pall Malls waiting for her government check. And we ALLOW IT!!! If we try to change it or speak out against that behavior we are called heartless cretins with no compassion. I have plenty of compassion. I also have a job and a diploma. Two things Miss Thing has never bothered to get, because we don't make her and that is the root of why the system is broken. (Yeah, I know, broad generalizations, not everyone is like that, there are people who truly need help, blah, blah, blah...I know, but I am getting damned tired of busting my ass and working more than one job so I can pay for other people's Grape soda and cheese curls.)
Here is how Kenny would fix this problem. Assistance would be given to the elderly, the ill and families with kids aged five and under capped out at three kids. (If you can't feed 'em don't breed 'em.) Gone are the days where your check shows up in the mail or your card is automatically reloaded. If you want your assistance, you show up and meet with your counselor on a monthly basis. While at that meeting, you will be required to take a class. Parenting, nutrition, financial management, typing, anything that can teach you a little more about how to take care of yourself. You will undergo an annual physical. You will be subject to random drug testing. You will get a high school diploma or a GED if you do not already have one, within three months of signing up, or your benefits are suspended until you get it done. If you are under the age of 60, we won't give you rental assistance or government housing, but we will pay for your childcare and you can find a job. Any job. You will show us you have work ethic. It doesn't matter if its flipping a burger, mopping a floor or driving a cab. No job is beneath you if you want MY tax dollars. You now have a diploma and no children at home to take care of since we are paying for your daycare, so you can go ahead and find a job. You can have some skin in the game. You can have some accountability.
You will be subject to surprise in home visits. Your school aged children will be required to attend school regularly and if little Junior starts skipping class in 7th grade, we will put him in a special school and your ass will get charged with child neglect or allowing truancy. Behavior is learned.  If alcohol or cigarettes are found in your possession, we will cut your benefits. If you have $10 to buy your Pall Malls and your Old Mill, you have $10 to buy milk, bread and peanut butter to feed your family so I don't have to. You want your smokes instead? Fine, don't take the handout.
Sounds harsh doesn't it? But here's the thing...if you are never held accountable, if you never invest anything in your future or contribute to society, you will forever be standing there with your hand out.
I can hear people screaming about how much more a system like this would cost because you would have to employ so many more people...(um, isn't unemployment still pretty high?) I would gladly pay more taxes for a program like this because maybe, just maybe, people would see assistance for what it is, a TEMPORARY help, not a lifestyle. I can also hear people screaming at me begging me to have a heart. I get tired of that argument. I have lived paycheck to paycheck. I have maxed out credit cards buying diapers and milk. I have taken a job washing dishes. I have even taken government assistance. Go ahead, call me a hypocrite. I was on Title 19 when pregnant with Drew. As soon as he was born, I GOT OFF OF IT! Temporary assistance, it lasted less than 7 months.
As many of you know, Drew is going to Haiti this summer. The group he is going with is teaching Haitians to be self sufficient. Seventy percent of Haitians live on $2 or less a day, 80% of them are unemployed, yet these people line up to learn how to take care of themselves. They want to learn to feed themselves and grow their own crops and maybe learn a trade. If we can teach people who don't speak a lick of English and reside in the poorest country in the western hemisphere to provide for themselves instead of relying on others, why can't we accomplish it in our own backyard?
(Disclaimer: As previously mentioned, Kenny is an asshole, so don't go blaming me entirely for this rant. I do realize that the good and decent thing to do is take care of one another and love one another and help one another and give. But it just seems like the givers are always giving and the takers continue to take...)

Yeah, I'm lazy

Because Sambucca is an ugly, one legged, cross-eyed back alley hooker, I am phoning one in today and deeming it a Throw Back Thursday. I went through some of my old notes in Facebook today and discovered that I am a fucking genius, so I am posting something I wrote over a year ago when the "pink slime" controversy started. Enjoy, or don't I am tired and hungover and couldn't give a shit less either way today. Peace out.

So, I am going to talk about “pink slime”…The topic makes my skin crawl and not in the way that some people may think. If you haven’t heard anything about this topic (like a certain loved one of mine) let me fill you in. Jaime Oliver, chef from the Food Network, did a quasi-investigation, uncovering the “horrors” of what he called “pink slime” and how it was in ground beef and in public school lunches. What Oliver failed to mention in his effort to create public outcry and to demean the beef industry, if that this product, is 100% safe. It is 100% beef. It is a byproduct. It is lean. It is completely harmless. First off, lets stop calling it pink slime and call it what it is.  Which is, Lean Finely Textured Beef. A truly all beef product made extra lean by physically removing the fat via centrifuge, then treated with a slight ammonia gas as an extra measure to be sure there is no bacteria present; like e-coli.

The part that makes my skin crawl is that this is the proverbial molehill made into a mountain. This “outcry” has caused beef prices to drop. It has caused, to date, 650 Iowans to lose their jobs. And for what? Because some Food Network lackey said it was “icky”?

Call me a sheep, call me blind, I don’t care what you call me, but frankly, I don’t care what is in my food, as long as its safe and it tastes good.

Another reason my skin crawls is that this Oliver character, is making these claims to further his own publicity/agenda. He has no clue the impact he could have on the economy, especially farm economies driven by the beef industry. My parents are beef producers, so were my grandparents. My in-laws are beef producers, my husband and I are beef producers and my children are being raised to be beef producers. The claims these so called celebrities make against my industry can directly affect my livelihood, and yes, it infuriates me. Especially when the claims are baseless. What people like Oliver and others in his company fail to realize is that when beef prices drop, everyone in town is subject to feeling those affects. Farmers get less money for their product, but often, their inputs don’t go down in price, so they make less money. Less money made means less money spent at restaurants, gift stores, clothing stores, shoes stores, mom and pop stores and the like, meaning, discretionary spending goes out the window.

If there were a case of a meat packing company putting harmful chemicals or using something that is dangerous as filler, I would join in the outrage, as they would be harming the beef industry. The fact of the matter is, no one is doing that. What they are adding to the ground beef is an all natural, made from beef filler. Yes, it might not look real appetizing, but, have you ever seen a meat packing plant, or a butcher shop back room, or how about the meat cooler of the swankiest steak house in Chicago? None of those places look real appetizing. In fact, the most expensive steaks on the menu are often “aged” 45 to 60 days. Do you want to see what that “aging” looks like? No, you just want to eat it, medium rare, with a cold beer.

People are spouting the horrors of eating a by-product. This doesn’t make my skin crawl, it makes me laugh, out loud. For those of who think eating a byproduct is akin to eating what should be make dog food, I ask…Have you ever chewed a piece of gum or eaten a cup of Jell-O? Sure, you say? Terrific, those are beef by-products, but then Jamie Oliver never told you that, did he?

One other thing to note, I wonder how many of the “outraged” have no qualms eating or feeding their children hot dogs or “chicken nuggets”. I use the term chicken nuggets loosely, because I’m quite certain there’s more than just chicken in those bad boys. And you know what? I don’t care. They still taste pretty good and there are farm families whose lives depend on raising the chickens that are used in those nuggets, and I will support them, no matter what the Food Network might tell me.

Til next time

JC

Oh and P.S. Suck it Trebek....

Having puppies...

^^^ This is me today...

Mexican Barbie was released by Mattel last week, as part of the Barbies of the World Collection. Instantly there was outrage. Mexican Barbie comes dressed in a classic fiesta style dress, holding a chihuahua and a passport. OH the HORROR. Each of the dolls in this collection is dressed in a traditional style and comes with a pet and a passport...are Indians throwing a fit because Indian Barbie comes with a monkey? Perhaps the Chinese are horrified that Chinese Barbie comes with a small panda? Can we all just get over ourselves and realize you are throwing a hissy fit about A DOLL!!!

In the Des Moines Register on Saturday there was a huge article about a mother throwing a gargantuan hissy fit because her 6-year-old son was not going to be allowed to be part of a "Girls Just Want to Have Fun" spa themed camp. Mama was not happy when the camp said, "Uh...it's for girls?" So she did what every mother would do...she called in the press. She claims her child saw the camp and said, "That sounds fun" and when he was denied admission he was "distraught." I am not going to get into a conversation on gender identity or gender equality or anything gender associated..THE KID IS SIX!!!! I guarantee 30 minutes after being told of the spa camp, he had probably forgotten about it and was more concerned about what Sponge Bob and Patrick were doing and whether or not his brother saw him eating a booger....not everything we do as a society has to be gender balanced and equal and the same....especially when it comes to day camps for six year olds. FFS people.

Spending two days with the family at a cattle sale and show equals unexcused absence, yet if Junior is caught with an illegal substance and is serving an out of school suspension, those absences are excused....hmmm, smoke at school--yes, help with the family business and make numerous contacts related to future job and college plans--no. Interesting, I'll try and remember that.

April 15th. It's tax day and it's snowing...if that doesn't irritate the shit out of you, nothing will.

Hubs has my car today, I have the hunting truck....

I believe children ages 9 (almost) and 16 are fully capable of bringing their dirty laundry downstairs without Mommy losing her shit. Sadly, my beliefs are wrong and I now have 12 loads of laundry in my laundry room. I also have people who do not read instructions when it comes to laundry products. (I bought some of those Downy scent booster things--smell ridiculously good) It says right on the package--do not put into the dryer. I open up the dryer and practically get shot with tiny little blue pellets because some dumbass assumed they went in the dryer and did not read the directions...those tiny, blue balls are now all over the floor of the mudroom, with the now only eight loads of laundry left to do and the collection of mud/shit covered chore clothes and shoes.(Seriously--Mommy LOVES wasting three full days organizing your rooms so they can return to shitshow status almost instantaneously. And she LOVES extra messes in the mud room because the excessive amount of mud and shit from the cattle operation does not cause enough grief...please keep it up!)

Looks like a whack job just let off explosives near the finish line of the Boston Marathon. Can we set the gun control debate aside for a minute now and focus on mental health and the reason BEHIND the violence, not the VEHICLE in which whack job fucktards carry it out?....

I may need some Gold Bond to deal with all of this irritation. :)

Too short

No, I am not professing my love for the rapper who goes by that name. I am reiterating the fact that all of us know and are reminded of on occasion, usually by tragedy, that life is too goddamned short.
Last night, I had to take Miss Jace to dance and instead of the dingy Memorial Building basement, we were at the studio, surrounded by mirrors. I was trying to focus on watching my darling daughter, but all I could see was mirrors everywhere I turned and me sitting there all Fatty Fatterton. (Yes, I am fully aware that I control what I do and don't put in my pie hole, that's not my point, and we will address that later.)
I went home depressed and feeling down thinking its no wonder young girls have eating disorders and self esteem issues when we put them in an extra curricular activity in which they are constantly looking in a mirror...I was in a pissy mood the rest of the night.
I woke up this morning in a "fuck it" mood thinking life sucked because my jeans were a little tight, my chin was a little more doubled and my hair wouldn't do a fucking thing. (I took a small bit of pride in the fact that I did pack a salad, had an egg while and spinach omelette on toast for breakfast and grabbed a greek yogurt on my way out the door...but that again, will be addressed later.) Still pissy, I stopped for coffee and proceeded to work. I fired up my Mac, checked my e-mails and hopped on FB for a minute to find out an acquaintance of mine, who happens to be just a few years older than I am, had died. Life is too goddamned short.
Suddenly, my ass size, my lack of a perfect hairdo, my self esteem issues and everything I think I lack is insignificant. This beautiful, vibrant, YOUNG, healthy woman is gone. Poof, in an instant. From what I understand, she suffered an aneurysm, while driving her daughter to or from dance class.
I did that last night, too. ...We have sons the same age, both gingers, no less, and have many other things in common. While we weren't considered close friends, she was one of those people with whom you could always stop and talk to for 10-15 minutes when you saw her at the grocery store. We would see each other often in the summer, at the race track, and she was always a good person to stop and have a cold one with. And now, she's gone. Her family is trying to get through the first of countless days without her and here I sit beating myself up over succumbing to potato chips and baked beans last night....I think my priorities are fucked up. Life is too goddamned short.
It seems as though I get this "wake-up call" more and more often, yet I never really do anything about it. I have started to lose count of the number of "Oh My God, Did you hear" moments regarding the loss of someone taken too soon.
It reminds me that my daily struggles truly are insignificant in the grand scheme of things. But, at the same time it kicks my ass into realizing that I need to live each day to the fullest and if I am sitting on the couch with a vat of cold baked beans in my lap and a bag of potato chips in my hand, I am not living life to the fullest.
While I will never be the borderline vegan, eating like a rabbit and exercising every spare minute, nor will I ever be the size two model of perfection, running marathons each weekend, I will do the best I can to be a better me. A better me who lives life without sweating the small things. A better me who stops taking things and people for granted. A better me who will always remember that life is too goddamned short to worry about baked beans and mirrors and tight jeans.

RIP Lisa

It sounded good!

Have you ever read a recipe or looked at a DIY project and thought, "Hmm, that sounds good," but then you tried it and it's nothing but an epic shit show? (I know you have, hell there are entire websites devoted to this kind of thing, especially when it comes to Pinterest projects.) Anyway, I have decided that there are MANY more things in the world, other than recipes and DIY's in which the phrase, "It Sounded Good at the Time" can be applied to. (Or ideas that work in theory, but not in the real world.) Things like:

Paperless Concert Tickets--designed to give true fans the chance to get great seats at face value instead of having ticket brokers jam the phone lines and websites buying up prime seats only to resell them at ginormous prices. What happens is, when you buy a ticket to the concert, you do not get tickets. The day of the show, you must present valid "U.S. Government issued" i.d. and then swipe the credit card that you purchased the tickets with. A seat identification receipt is then printed and you go find your seats. This is great..in theory. Nothing chaps my ass more than finding out ticket brokers have bought all but the nose bleed seats and are trying to sell you the good tickets at six times the face value rate. HOWEVER, what if I myself am not going to the concert? What if I am buying them as a gift? Well, according to the FAQ section, you are to use the person's credit card you are buying the tickets for and then reimburse them. So it would go something like this..."Here BFF I bought you and your husband tickets to see AC/DC because I know that "You Shook Me All Night Long" was your first dance song at your wedding. I just need your credit card to complete the transaction. Thanks!" Yeah, doesn't work at all. The majority of BFF's I know will share clothes, toothbrushes, showers, and boyfriends, on occasion, but not credit cards.

Fat Free Peanut Butter--terrific theory, as if you could sap the fat out of peanut butter it would be fabulous. It does not work, at least not to eat. It's terrific at repairing dry-wall, though. (Fat Free mayonnaise and ranch dressing also fall into this category--epic ideas turned epic failure when you try to use them.)

Obama-Care aka HealthCare Reform. Now, don't get all "up in my ass" on this...I know our healthcare system is broken, HOWEVER if you think the majority of the "fixes" laid out by this plan are good, talk to an insurance agent and make sure you have a defibrillator handy when you get your insurance rates on Jan. 1, 2014.
I whole heartedly agree with the elimination of pre-existing conditions and that is about it...here's an example of why this fix is fucked up...if you have ovaries, no matter how old you are, your insurance policy must include maternity services. Meaning my 65-year-old mother cannot get a policy without it including labor and delivery coverage. Mental health services are also mandatory in all policies. Fine, I can live with that, as I could easily go off the deep end and need committed this afternoon, however...if we have eliminated pre-existing conditions, why are mental health services and maternity coverage MANDATED in all policies? If my policy did not include maternity, but I found out I was preggers, could I not call and add it to my policy when I needed it, since they cannot deny my pre-existing condition? Same with my mental health services...add it-no questions asked WHEN NEEDED, do not force me into coverage I do not need.
How about instead of telling me I have to pay for coverage I don't need, you tell the pharmaceutical companies to stop charging me $300 for a pill that cost fractions of a penny to produce? Or how about you tell insurance companies and healthcare lobbyists to go to hell? Oh that's right...they contribute millions of dollars to your campaigns while we citizens just continue to get raped financially....

Men's skinny jeans....I don't think I need to expound why these ideas only work, in theory...let me add a graphic to explain it...

I do need to clarify, there is a difference between skinny jeans and tight jeans....

See the difference?

Farm girl with restrictions

Yes, I grew up on a farm. However, as my DH learned last night, I am most appropriately titled, "Farm Girl-with restrictions."
You see, I have no trouble jumping head (or more preferably feet) first into a barn full of shit. I will scoop, throw hay, fill and carry buckets. I will bottle feed calves, and as most of you know, goats. I will ride a horse. I will watch a gate. I will lead a calf. I will run a head chute or a syringe. I will chase whatever needs chased and lift whatever needs lifting. I have no trouble getting messy and have no issues washing a calf or a pig or doing whatever dirty work you ask, as long as it's within reason and I know how to do it. If I don't, you can SHOW me once and I can usually grasp it. I will however, let you in on a little secret...I don't drive things (Other than automatic transmission pick-ups and cars.)
DH learned this the hard way last night...he had me jump on the tractor. Pardon me, but when you tell me to give it some gas, I will look for a gas pedal. When you tell me to turn on the PTO I will give you a blank stare and when you ask me to pop the clutch, I will ask which pedal that is. When you combine my lack of skills with the phrase "If you don't do this right you could kill me," forgive me, if I get a little nervous and ask the same question repeatedly...
One would think that this would be a given, what with the lack of skills I have in driving a stick shift and the fact that hooking up the camper nearly sends us to divorce attorneys, but he must have forgotten that "me no have no knowledge of farm vehicles and equipment stuff." Translation: I don't do that shit. Growing up, I had two brothers, PLUS an uncle, a male cousin, and a grandfather who all lived within a mile of the farm. I never HAD to drive a tractor, pull a trailer (or anything for that matter) or hook up a wagon, therefore I never learned to. (Funny, I've gone 36 years without needing that knowledge, so I think it's something I will stick with.)
I think the next time I need help in the kitchen, I will test his skills and see how many blank stares I get...

Baby, I'm Amazed

Now that I have planted a Paul McCartney ear worm in your head...(admit it, you sang that as you read it) here are some things that amaze me.

How many people need a video or pictorial tutorial on how to create a "messy bun" hairdo...Seriously, bitch? Its called a pony tail holder...
Why the "perfect pancake maker," "eggies" and " the wax vac" exist... Have you seen the infomercials for these things? The first two portray pancakes and hard boiled eggs as two of the most difficult things in the world to make. The third, shows a man screaming in pain as he puts a q-tip too far into his ear...really? Are there people in the world who REALLY need these products? And if someone mortally woulds themselves trying to clean their ears with a Q-tip, can't we chalk that up to natural selection?
The people at Caring and Sharing who do not take fresh food because they "don't know how to use it." I am not making this shit up..My aunt does a lot of volunteering with Caring and Sharing. During the holidays they used to give five pound bags of fresh potatoes with the meal boxes . They stopped doing it because very few would take them. The recipients would say, "What do I do with them?" "How do I use them?" (Thud....that was the sound of my palm slapping my forehead) What the fuck do you mean, "How do I use them?" That, to me, is beyond amazing, it's stunning...simply stunning.
People (ahem...especially the hoity-toity type) who will pay ridiculous amounts of money for something you can make for $3...(I'm talking simple things here, like a mason jar with a piece of burlap wrapped around it and a button glued on the front, selling on easy right now for $27)
Young, drunk, punks who think that fighting with someone, anyone, is "cool." It's not cool. It shows that you are white trash worthless...I am even more amazed when said young, drunk, punk (who is usually 5'6" and 150 pounds soaking wet thinks that he can "take" the 6'4" 300 pound guy in the corner....
How my children made it through infancy without diaper wipe warmers, a bumbo or a sling wrap for me to swaddle them in. ( I am also amazed that they are healthy and even remotely intelligent since I did not nurse, but that's a HUGE can of worms that I have no interest in debating here, or really anywhere, ever.)
People who vandalize things....there is a bird mosaic uptown that someone spray painted the word "yeah" over....what the fuck is wrong with people? I mean, really....
George Strait and his impending 60th number one...that's 60th people, as in 6-0...he amazes me, in a totally good way. George Strait is like buttah...seriously, buttah..smooth, wonderful buttah...

Letter time

It's time for a round of "Dear John" letters...I liken them to Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes...hang on to your hats kids...here we go.
Dear Ryan Gosling, Please stick to acting in sappy ass chick flicks and stop writing letters about agricultural practices which you know jack shit about. I would hazard a guess that the only thing you know about livestock and or agriculture is what your PETA friends spoon-feed you.
Dear body of mine, Yes I realize getting healthy is a lifestyle change. I realize it's going to take massive amounts of changing in certain areas of my life. (Cheddar Crisps, we may have to break up--just warning you.) SO, if we could be a little less Kim Jong Un when it comes to changing and adapting to new things and a little more like a "peace loving, lets try something new and different hippie" I think we could have some decent results.
(Speaking of Kim Jung Un) Dear REST OF THE WORLD LEADERS, Can we just go ahead and drop a bomb on this guy's ass? Where is Seal Team 6? Worthless, propaganda spewing, piece of shit is too nice of a description...
Dear MTV, (I know I have already face booked this, but it still chaps my ass) PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, stop making reality shows and go back to playing music. Janelle Evans, Shain Gandee, Amber Portwood, Ryan Dunn...dead, prison and rehab...Would they have made the decisions they made and had these things happen to them without television cameras? Perhaps. But why do we continuously need to glorify their bad behavior? How many more examples do we need?
Dear Lifetime, While I am a huge Johnny and June fan...we've been there, done that. There was a little oscar winning movie called "Walk the Line" that told their story. We don't need a different movie with Jewel playing June....
Dear college kids lambasting the fact that the food pantry available to you is empty, I try not to judge, really, I do, but when both of your arms have full sleeve tattoos and you have multiple face and body piercings, visible to the camera, perhaps you could buy some rice or some beans or some tuna, instead of getting more ink...I'm just sayin'....
Dear beloved DH, I realize we are adding to our income and we now have a growing "enterprise", however, we have 15 acres, could we have selected a different place to put the 50+ big round hay bales and the two enormous plies of random food stuffs? Le sigh...one positive note, less mowing because the grass is covered...(And the family wonders why we can't have nice things)

Put your damned movie away...

I waitress part time, mostly on the weekends, and I am dismayed by the number of people, of all ages, who cannot put their electronic devices away for even an hour, to have a meal at a restaurant. Now, I'm not talking about picking up your phone if it rings or vibrates and hitting ignore, or excusing yourself to answer it outside, I am talking about full out overuse...I am talking parents who walk in with three kids and three i-pads/i-phones and or portable dvd players are whipped out so the kids "behave" while out in public.
Yes, Darrell's is not a fancy-schmancy place...if you order a Heineken, expect our veggie burger to be a soy patty and not a hamburger with all the veggies, or ask what our top shelf gin is, be prepared for me to laugh in your face...this is Hamlin, Iowa, people...and we don't play that shit.
MY POINT IS, we are a casual place...we don't care if your kids act up a little...we don't care if they are a little loud (now, no one wants to hear abject screaming and tantrums, normal noise is expected) we don't care if they act like kids...because THEY ARE! If little junior cannot sit through a 45 minute meal at a place like Darrell's without constant stimulation, perhaps you should reevaluate your parenting techniques.
The same goes for teenagers...we often get tables full of basketball teams, volleyball teams, etc and when you go to take their order or deliver their food, they are each so wrapped up in their texting conversations that they can't even remember what they ordered. No lie, I even had a table full that I had separated by last name (their parents were sitting at another table) I had to say the last names of these kids at least three times before I could get a response..put your damned phone down for 10 minutes, PLEASE?
Adults, there are a group of us that aren't any better...As I pointed out before, Darrell's is not a fancy place...fancy or not, that still doesn't mean I want to hear your 10 minute phone conversation from six tables away while I am trying to eat my taco salad...OR while I am trying to serve someone a tenderloin.
It's common courtesy, but sadly, I think common courtesy is the brother of common sense and both are on the endangered species list.