I have a headache..

The amount of times I've said What the Fuck? in my head today have given me a headache...when you combine that number with the times I've uttered it aloud, you'll find I haven't really said anything else...I'm like a mental patient pacing back and forth muttering what the fuck while wringing my hands....here we go..
Kaci Hicocx....Seriously? What the Fuck? I get it. You're (book) smart. You're young(ish). You're idealistic. And you most likely do not have Ebola, nor will you be stricken with it or infect anyone else. HOWEVER...there is a slim, slim shady of a chance you may in the next 10 days (or so) get ill and possibly infect someone else and that fact is why you should shut the fuck up and curl up with your boyfriend, some cheetoes and Netflix and enjoy your quarantine. Your rights are being infringed upon? Your freedom is being threatened? You're outraged? Bitch please. Try again. You are being inconvenienced and you're being asked to skip your yoga classes and coffee shop excursions for a couple of weeks in order to keep public panic (warranted or not) at bay. Take your lawsuits and threats of lawsuits and shove them, it's called "For the greater good." I guess I fail to fall into that "Oh my God the sky is falling, we are all going to be FORCED to enter a quarantine" category. I also fail to fall into the OMG EVERYONE IS GOING TO DIE camp either, because I am fully aware that the flu will wreak far more havoc on U.S. citizens than Ebola, and that Ebola isn't easily transmitted. I am, however, a big fan of, "stop acting butthurt and take the precaution for what it is."
Parents...I get that we all do things a little differently and that what works for me, may not work for you however, two things I saw today had me shouting WTF from the roof of my office....
A dad in (I forget where, somewhere here in the U.S.) found out that his 10 year old fifth grade daughter (Hmmmm, I have one of those) created several fake online accounts in which she tried to pass herself off as a 15,16, or 17 year old. She even has a boyfriend that she's met through these accounts and he's convinced that she's "of age." Dad found out about these accounts. He had a shirt made for her that said "I am 10 years old" on the front and "5th Grader" on the back and made her wear it. He then had her hair braided with a fuckton** of pink and white beads and barrettes and bought her a cartoon backpack. He then took her photo and shared it to those accounts she had created. Can I get an AMEN and a round of applause for this dad? Can I get a WHAT THE FUCK for the people who are condemning him for "damaging her self esteem," claiming he's "mentally abusing" her or telling him "he's done irreversible harm to her psyche and well being." I guess I would rather my 10 year old have her feelings hurt and have a "harmed psyche" than to have my 10 year old raped, abducted, sexually assaulted, or knocked up in a few years. Call me crazy.
The second parenting faux pas (in my opinion) was where burning essential oils was suggested for getting siblings to stop fighting. What the literal and actual fuck? Now, I understand essential oils can be used to treat lots of things, but....hear me out here....how about you "parent" instead of expecting lavender oil to just "soothe them and keep them calm, so they won't have the urge to disagree?" How about you take their toys away, or take their cell phones away, or force them to spend the next few days doing EVERYTHING holding hands? If I had to hold by brother's hand while he was taking a shit, you can bet your sweet ass, I would think twice about fighting with him, if I knew that kind of punishment was coming. While the lavender oils may indeed be soothing or calming, perhaps burning them WHILE you're putting a proverbial foot up their asses may be a better plan? (This is why we can't have nice things and we are raising entitled, whiny, sue happy special snowflakes like Kaci Hicocx).
Really, that's all I can focus on now...its time for wine...and football and more wine....peace out.
**Oh I have a new word for the dictionary "fuckton" a unit of measurement that is slightly more than a shitton. See above use for reference.

Look Ma! No F-bombs!

Halloween is coming. How can you tell? Because Christmas decorations are in the stores and holiday sales have already started. (Be sure to tip your waitress, I’m here all night folks.)

Halloween has always been one of my favorite holidays, but I have to be honest, my generation is screwing it up. That’s right, my friends! My peers and I and our addiction to social networking, political correctness and the mommy wars are ruining the innocent fun that Halloween was when I was a kid.

For example, when I was a child your costume consisted of a mask and a pair of footie pajamas. You had a lion mask? Then you wore a pair of gold footie jammies with a brown yarn scarf around the neck. You had a Care Bears mask? Your footie jammies were pink and you put a rainbow tacked to a circle of white felt on your stomach. Your costume options were endless when footie jammies were available.

Today, parents spend months handcrafting the perfect, unique, preservative free, non-GMO, biodegradable, non-offensive, gender neutral, non-violent costume. Then their child refuses to wear it and they spend a hundred bucks getting the Disney Elsa costume overnighted to them in time for the “Harvest Fest.”

Which is another thing that puts a stick in my craw. Halloween was Halloween and we had Halloween parties at school. Halloween parties are now “Harvest Festivals” because its obvious Halloween turned a large number of my peers into Satanists or is it Wiccans? I cant remember why Halloween was deemed to be evil and harvest fest won the war of words. (Either way…I don’t know any child in the history of forever who “chose the wrong path” because they were subjected to a Halloween party instead of a Harvest Festival.)

Our Halloween parties were also complete with candy and junk food and revelry. We had bowls of candy, cupcakes dripping with frosting; pumpkin shaped cookies and bag after bag of candy corn, because it was a special day. That ONE special day was not going to turn us into obese, cholesterol laden sloths, because it was ONE DAY! Now, all food is to be of the healthy variety. And since its all healthy food you have to trick the kiddos into eating it, hence the mommy wars begin and the oneupsmanship starts. We spend hours figuring out how to create pumpkins out of clementines and celery sticks. We transform our bananas into tiny ghosts and make vampire teeth out of apple slices, marshmallows and sunbutter (no peanut butter is allowed). Remember the days when we felt we were really winning when we tied a Kleenex around a Tootsie Pop and drew eyes on it?

And while we are on the subject of treats…Trick or Treating means you make it rain candy. Stop with the pencils and the stickers and the temporary tattoos. We want peanut butter cups and lots of them. And yes, I said we, as in the parents. We need some sort of reward for the costume creating and that reward starts with Reese’s and ends with peanut butter cup. Better yet, if one of you could hand out bacon and vodka to the moms while you load the kiddos up with chocolate, that would be swell.

(Yeah, this is my column for the paper this week, so it is rather vanilla, but it still gets the point across! Now hand over the fucking vodka....damn it...I tried to keep it clean!)