What the?

Its a BLOG! And Apparently, I'm supposed to write in it on a frequent, or at least semi-regularly fashion...apparently thats another one of the things I fail at. #loserstatus

Anywho kittles, greetings and Happy Festivus! That's right! It's December 23, meaning its Festivus! I have my Festivus pole erect (tee hee) and placed in the appropriate spot and I have scheduled the Feats of Strength for approximately 2 p.m. So, now for the final part of the Festivus Celebration, the Airing of Grievances. For anyone who's ever read this blog or met me for that matter, you should all be aware that the point of this blog is to pretty much air my grievances at will, but since a special holiday has been set aside to commemorate the event, then by all means, I think I should participate. Settle in Barnyard Critters, this could take a while.
1) The fucktards that think Monsanto is the cause of Chipotle's e coli outbreak. Are you fucking serious with this level of epic stupidity? Here's what's happened at Shitpotle...A. organic vegetables are quite often fertilized with shit. That's right. That organic tomato that you spent an extra dollar on has been covered in poo. B. There are no bathrooms in vegetable gardens so when you have to give birth to a chocolate covered squirrel, often, the second row from the back on the west end of the cilantro patch becomes the community WC. The lettuce leaves from across the way make for good toilet paper. C. Minimum wage, often poorly trained kitchen workers who really don't give a fuck are assembling your $8 1,200 calorie burrito. Sure, they may have washed their hands prior to taking your order, but they also just checked their Instagram account and sent a Snap to their girlfriend...do you know how many germs are on an average cell phone? Worse than a toilet seat. D. Its called karma, bitchatchoes. Karma. At least their e coli is responsibly sourced and GMO free.
2) Star Wars. I'm sorry but I couldn't give two shits about this movie or its franchise or its merchandise. I'm not sure I could even give two of YOUR shits about it...I care that little...
3) Cancer. Fuck you. Its affecting far too many people I care about right now and it can go eat a bag of dicks.
4) The construction at Casey's. I know, I know, progress is good and in a few short weeks it will all be worth it when the iced coffee machine is up and running and all of the beer is kept at a perfect 28 degrees in the walk in coolers, but for now, its really pissing me off. Do you know how many days in a row I have gone without my 24 ounce Hazlenut Coffee due to the fact that there is an epic clusterfuck in the parking lot? Three. Do you know how many days in a row it takes for me to lose my shit without my morning dose of coffee? Less than one. You do the math motherfuckers.
5) The assclown naysayers. You know who you they are. The ones that poo-poo everything and can't find a single positive thing to say about anything. To those of you who think the new truckstop won't pay enough, how many jobs have YOU created in this community? To those of you who think that the Rec Center will NEVER happen and that people who bowl can just drive out of town to do that sort of thing..you can kiss my fat, white, ass. I hope you never step foot into the place, then. Don't you dare stop by for a bite to eat or something to drink after a football game and don't even think about sending your miserable crotch fruit to the party my child will be hosting there.
6) Man buns. 1,3,5,7,9....cuz I CANT EVEN...I mean an entire canoe load of douche cannot appropriately describe this phenomenon.
7) That one chin hair that refuses to die, yeah, you...right there...I can feel you..I can even see you on occasion, but for some reason you elude the tweezers every fucking time...
8) This list...thats right...I have major grievances about compiling this list of grievances. In fact. I'm over it. Happy Festivus Assholes.

Die you little bastards!

So, fall has arrived and as I mentioned in yesterdays blog, I live on a fully functioning livestock farm, which means we have critters...in abundance...Some of those critters, namely mice, like to migrate to warmer climates (i.e. my house) when temperatures start to drop. We have placed all the appropriate pet friendly traps outside in the obvious places and have placed traps, poisons and other contraptions throughout the house. I went to bed Wednesday evening and dozed off to the sounds of a Law and Order rerun. (Sam Waterston and Jerry Orbach days, when it was the best). Somewhere around 1 a.m. I was awoken from my hibernation by the desperate squeak and furious flailing of a victim caught in the sticky trap....I rolled over and peered over the side of the bed, and spied the poor soul. There he was, staring back at me in desperation. The trap he was mired in was near the dresser, just a few feet away from the foot of the bed. I crawled to the edge of the bed to see just how stuck he was (he was glued down tight) however, about every 30 seconds or so he would flail about and I just knew if given the chance he would work himself loose. I also knew, with certainty, that if I attempted to "help his journey to the great beyond" by thumping him on the head with a hammer, he would certainly find sudden freedom and run across my foot. So, in bed I stayed.
I attempted to fall back to sleep, to no avail as the little bastard was persistent in his efforts to free himself. I reached for the remote, thinking that I would just turn the volume up a little more and let ADA Jack McCoy's passionate closing arguments drown him out.
It was then I realized the reason I had drifted to sleep with the TV still on was because I couldn't find the remote and was too tired/lazy to get up and turn the TV off manually.
I peered over the edge of the bed one again..I swear the vigorous flailing had moved the trap two feet. It was now out in front of the dresser, inching ever closer to the bed. The television sits on top of the dresser, just out of reach. If I truly wanted to turn the volume up, I would need to get out of bed, and step directly over the trapped rodent, falling and squeaking with all of his might. That shit wasn't happening.
I laid back down to contemplate my options. A round of Candy Crush Soda on my phone would surely help me gain the courage to battle Mr. Jingles. Twenty minutes later, I was out of lives and the little bastard hadn't died yet. What to do, what to do...
I turned the bedside lamp on thinking the light would discourage this little nocturnal creature and he would either settle down and give me enough time to whack him (I have horrible hand to eye coordination and am slow, so I need strategery when hitting a moving object. Anyone who's seen me attempt to hit a softball can attest to this) or I could at least fall back to sleep.
The lamp seemed to work as the struggle and noise started to decrease. I got the nerve up to escape the bedroom and find a boot to help me do the dirty work. I returned to bed, boot in hand trying to work up the courage to "finish the job."
I gave myself a pep talk, all the while calculating the many ways my plan to assassinate the trapped mouse could go wrong. Chiefly, the scenario in which I horribly miss the moving target and instead whack the edge of the sticky trap causing it to fly up in the air and attach itself, along with the half dead mouse to my leg, where it would stick in the leg hairs I have neglected to shave this week. (It COULD happen.) I told myself, "Bitch, get a grip and kill the little SOB."
I crawled over to the other side of the bed and prepared to whack him...at that time I noticed his movement and protest had gotten increasingly louder. I thought, "Oh, this is his last hurrah, he's giving it one more Wheeler try before he goes to the great cheese factory in the sky." I mustered up all the courage I could find and crawled out of bed. Only then did I notice, that the reason the calamity had increased was because Mr. Jingles had a buddy trapped with him to join in his misery.
I quickly dropped the boot and dove back into bed, where I waited and listened until my hunter trapper hubby AKA the Executioner got home and whacked them both with his pliers...
Why did he make it look so easy?

Popeye

Remember the cartoon "Popeye"? One of his famous lines was "I ams who I am and thats all that I am." I think we all need to remember that once in a while. You are who you are and you shouldn't pretend to be anyone you're not and if people don't like the you that you are...fuck em.
I work two jobs. My other half is busting his nuts to get his own company off the ground instead of being a corporate bitch. We have a few head of cows that we co-own with a friend and its a lot of work and time and mess. My yard is filled with hay bales and silage bags and tractors and feed wagons and other food stuffs. I frequently smell manure.
We don't live in a fancy house. We don't drive new cars. Half of my furniture is thrift shop or hand-me down. I shop at Dollar General (Why the fuck would you pay $3 more a package for the same shit paper?) I go to garage sales and buy things off of the swap pages. We don't have $1,200 designer dogs. We have a coon hound who barks all night long and a bitchy Corgi we got cheap because she isn't papered.
I eat too much, I swear too much, I exercise far too little. Ok, really not at all unless you count the many miles I spend hiking my happy ass around Darrell's Place slinging tenderloins and delivering straws. (Which is a big pet peeve of mine...if you don't drink out of a straw in your home, why the hell do you think you need one in a restaurant? And now just for that, my asshole friends will all ask for straws next time I wait on them.)
I call my friends assholes and twats.
I am a damn good cook and a pretty good baker, too. I am a piss poor housekeeper. I loathe folding socks. My dishwasher is my BFF.
I am terrible at managing money.
I have smelly feet, no matter what product I try.
I don't care if you look down on me for any of these things. In fact, I couldn't give two fucks what you think of me because I am a nice person. (Nice is such a douchey word). I am a kick ass person. I rarely find someone I don't like, and if there is someone out there I don't like, you must be a real piece of shit. My circle of friends is large and when I consider you a friend, I mean it. I will have your back no matter how often or how rarely we see each other or talk. When I tell you I love you, I mean it. I don't pretend to be anything I'm not (except sober, I have done that once or twice.) I would give you the shirt off my back if you need it and will bend over backwards to keep everyone happy. I have a big heart and I try my best to treat people the way I want to be treated. I've taught my children to act the same.
Life is too short to play games or to try to keep up with the Joneses, being a good person is far more important than having all the stuff. Like the song says, "I've never seen a hearse with a trailer hitch."
And if you do have all the stuff and are still a good person, more power to ya...wanna be friends? I don't need to own the stuff, as long as you'll let me play with it.

Dear John Letters Vol. 432

Hola Bitchachos...its been a while, I know...I've been just a smidge busy with No. 1 flying the coop to college and No. 2 "graduating" to two nights of dance, 20 miles away and confirmation classes, but alas, I am here today full of bitchiness about whats going on in the world and on the interwebs. I bring you another round of my "Dear" letters...
Dear parents of dress code violators, GTFO. Seriously. I am more over you than Miley is over Hannah Montana. I do sympathize when it comes to the vague rules regarding leggings, collar bones cleavage, et al however, when you go to a private school that requires uniforms (complete with neckties ala Harry Potter) and rules about wild and inappropriate hair dos and  you decide to shave half of your head and dye it a "cheetah" (or is it leopard) pattern..don't come crying to me when your ass gets suspended. ESPECIALLY when you and Mum were well aware of the rule. And for FUCK SAKE, do not call your suspension a "human rights violation." I'm sure the Syrian refugees would love to tell you what true human rights violations are, bitch.
Dear Today Show, Stop...seriously, STOP with the Caitlyn Jenner "exclusives." When she has her own show and is tabloid fodder daily, there is nothing EXCLUSIVE about her. Yes, she has quite the story, but do we need to regurgitate it every single minute of every single day? P.S. Cait, please get a bra that fits...the one you're wearing on the golf course shows your nipples and makes your tits look lopsided. P.P.S. Maybe your new tits just ARE lopsided...if that's the case, I'd go back to your surgeon. P.P.P.S. Shouldn't you be driving from the women's tee?
Dear Food Babe, Thanks a fucking lot for your interference with the pumpkin spice latte. Key word here is SPICE. No one in the history of ANYONE actually wants pureed pumpkin in their coffee. They want the spices that are associated with pumpkin in their coffee. Thanks to your fucktarded misguided attempts at making the world a healthier place one dipshitted movement at a time we now have sad, squash flavored coffee drinks.
Dear No. 1, this is why I love you...
No. 1: "Mom what does 392 and counting on your FB page mean?"
Me: I commented on a post and it has 392 likes and counting.
No. 1: "Cool, you're finally getting recognized for being a bitch on Facebook."
Damn Skippy...

Are you kidding with this?

There are two stories in today's news that are really disturbing to me, so naturally, I am going to bitch about them, to you! (That's what you're here, I know!)
The first is the story of 12  year old Jarell Milton of Omaha, who was charged with murder this week. Police apprehended him 400 miles away in Minneapolis, after he fled the Omaha area, following the arrest of his 17 year old brother and another 15 year old child. The three are accused of shooting two individuals during a drug deal. One of the men died, the other was treated and released. Let's let some key words sink in. 12 years old. Murder. Fled. Drug deal. Those stick out to me.
He's 12 FUCKING YEARS OLD and he's carrying a gun to a drug deal and then shooting someone when the drug deal goes awry. Police say its gang related.
I have a 12 year old (well almost) do you know what she's into? Her goats; basketball; colored pencils. She's into texting her friends annoying things like "totes adorbs." She likes to work with her show calves with her grandpa and still comes into snuggle with her mom and dad before she goes to bed armed with a stuffed cow she's had since infancy. THATS WHAT 12 YEAR OLDS ARE SUPPOSED TO DO! They are not supposed to be gang affiliated gun toting pot smokers who flee the state after committing murder! For FUCK SAKE!
Say what you want about the "system" failing him. I call bullshit. This child should never have been born. He had ZERO chance from the get go. His father is currently serving a 30 year sentence for murder. His mother was convicted of felony assault when he was a toddler and he and his SEVEN, yes count them, SEVEN siblings were put into foster care while she served her sentence. Call me racist, classist, a piece of shit, whatever..this woman should never have reproduced, yet she willingly brought more than half a dozen children into her fucked up world and we as a society, stood by and watched it happen. It sickens me.
The second news story that has my asshairs pinched is the Maine parents who are asking for tighter restrictions on fireworks after their 22 year old son was killed this past weekend during an accident involving fireworks. The official report calls it an accident. I call it Darwins Law working as it was intended to. If you haven't heard about this one yet, I will fill you in. Devon Staples (known hereafter as fucktard of the year) got drunk and put reloadable fireworks mortar tube on his head and lit the fuse. Big shocker, it went off like fireworks most often do and he was instantly killed. Tragic, yes. Completely avoidable, yes. What kind of idiot puts a FIREWORK on top of their head and doesn't expect it to go off? I know you're grieving mom, but really, the blame on this one falls squarely on the shoulders of your child...warning labels were invented because of dumbfucks like this.
Its truly sad that this is the state of the world we live in today...No wonder aliens stopped abducting people in the 90's.

Walk of shame

Its been a horrifyingly long time since I've checked in with ya'll. Life has been busy in the barnyard! We've had a graduation, a 40th birthday, a dance recital, a cattle show, a goat show, volleyball camp, a garden plot to plant (whose bright fucking idea was that?) and calving season is finally over and all the ladies have been moved to the pasture. A few ladies have even been moved back home so their kiddos can become show calves! There's never a dull moment in the barnyard!
Since its been such a long time, I think I need to just purge some thoughts...
Chicken is chicken. I don't want to eat anything that "tastes like chicken" I will just order the chicken. And when I order the chicken, I will only order chicken breast. If something (like for instance a taco salad) gives the chicken option, unless that bitch says, "all white meat chicken breast" this heffa ain't touching it...#whatthefuckisthatbigchunk...
Freddy, Freddy, Freddy, I feel like the prom king just dumped me. However, I can't be too mad, because he did it for the right reasons. He has health issues. His dream has been to coach in the NBA. BDJ and the first round loss in the NCAA's done pissed him off. Still, I have a hole where Hoiberg used to be. (Wow, that sounds a lot dirtier than I anticipated it would.)
The Caitlin FKA Bruce getting the Arthur Ashe Award for courage from ESPN story...I've not seen a shit storm this big since the epic failure that was the Seinfeld finale. (Oooh, here come the But, but, but's ready to argue with me). I do believe that Lauren Hill would have been a better honoree. I do believe her battle and her story relates to a greater audience. I also believe that ESPN is pandering a bit to the current popularity of Caitlin's story. While I do believe that what he/she has done took courage and that someone with her tabloid status doing something like this and sharing her story makes it easier for others dealing with the same issues, I think ESPN is just trying to cash in on the story.  In the past several years the award has had a lot less to do with sports and courage and a lot more to do with social issues. And there are usually more losers than winners when it comes to award given for subjective reasons. By the way, I also think her reaction to winning (Tweeting, "What do I wear?") was low rent. AND, I also think its complete and utter bullshit that she's so good at applying makeup. (I also think far too many people are getting their panties in a wad over this. Do you know her? Does it affect you directly? No? Then move the fuck on...)
Taking my own advice, moving on to the lunch lady who was fired because she gave a crying little girl who didn't have lunch money a lunch. There HAS to be more to this story. I certainly don't think the lady should have lost her job for making sure a hungry child got something to eat, BUT, just how far behind were the parents on their lunch account? How many times had this happened in the past? How many warnings had the parents been given? Did she pay for the meals or did she just "give" it to the girl? There are policies in place, as dumb as they may be, they are still in place and if she knew them and violated them anyway, then???? I get it, the food was going to be thrown away anyway, but it seems like more and more society is saying, "rules don't apply." By the same token, parents, you had that child. You must make sure that child's needs are taken care of. School lunch costs somewhere around $2. This district (and many others) let you fall so far in the hole before sending out a notice and then providing the child with a sandwich and a milk.  Parental responsibility has to factor in somewhere. I have some very good friends who are educators and we have this conversation a lot. Parental responsibility and accountability is becoming a thing of the past. More and more parents are taking no ownership when it comes to the success (or failure) of their children when it comes to their education. Making sure your child does their homework, does their reading, hands in their assignments, doesn't go to school hungry or has their lunch money all factor into making sure they are a successful student. I certainly feel for not only the hungry little girl, who had no fault in this situation and for the woman who lost her job. But, I also see the problem the district was faced with. Its sad because there had to have been a better way to handle this situation ALL the way around.
And finally, tomorrow is National Donut Day...something we can ALL look forward to and celebrate without controversy..

Rules, Schmooles

As the saying goes, "Rules are made to be broken..." and I have indeed broken a few (hundred) in my day. However, even dumb rules are still rules and if we chose not to follow them, we have to be prepared for the consequences. And I'm sorry, rules that are written in black and white and handed to you are ones in which you cannot feign ignorance..
There are two such instances that have been filling my interweb pages today. The first has to do with excused versus unexcused absences. (A rule in which I have had my asshairs knotted about before.)
It seems that Mike Rossi, a radio announcer from (somewhere, its really not pertinent) took his kids out of school to watch him run the Boston Marathon. They took a few extra days to sight see, swim, eat, etc. Upon returning to school Mr. Rossi was SHOCKED! Shocked I tell you, to learn that those days were counted as unexcused absences, and he was sent a form letter explaining the school's attendance policy. That letter and his response has now gone viral.
He's "outraged" because the family vacation included a number of educational experiences. Life lessons were learned, tears were shed, laps were swam and blocks were walked (counting towards PE time) and yet, those days his precious snowflakes missed were not counted as excused absences. To which I say, boo fucking hoo....in what alternate universe does one think that a family vacation is excused? In what alternate universe does one think "rules don't apply to me, because I am a special snowflake!" (Thats right, its no alternate, its current day USA)
I too have taken my kids out of school for trips, which have had an educational component. I too get a little peeved when I get the letter explaining the attendance policy and I too agree that education happens outside of the classroom, all the time. HOWEVER, where does one draw the line? Rules like this are made hard and fast, because what one person deems an "educational experience" another person deems bullshit. Wouldn't a shopping trip be deemed educational if one was going into a fashion career or if the kids were made to spend within their budget and do math while in the check out line? Wouldn't a week long beach trip be called educational if the kids picked up shells along the beach and went snorkeling? (Science?)
The part that really irks me is that this guy feigned ignorance when it came to the policy...um, sorry douchebag, I'm certain your school has a handbook and I'd bet my left tit it includes the attendance policy.
The second such instance is a parent bitching about the dress code. Another one of those policies that is clearly laid out in the school handbook and clearly communicated to the parents. Yes, I agree its a bit on the ridiculous side that five year olds are being looked at sideways for wearing sundresses with spaghetti straps, HOWEVER, the dress code clearly states no spaghetti straps and if my 10 year old can't wear them, neither can your five year old...again, hard and fast rules made to eliminate any grey area. If you don't like it? Take your child to a school where they have uniforms. Problem solved.
I get really tired of the "rules don't apply to me because I am special and I don't like the rules" attitude society has today. I sure as shit don't like a number of rules/laws that I am supposed to follow. But I know I am expected to do so, or there could be consequences....something few people are learning to live with these days.
[Policing morals and moral decisions (i.e. if you are a grown ass adult that wants to lock himself in his basement and get high while the kids are at grandma's house,) that seems like its no one else's business, law included... that to me is a moral decision not a legal matter.. is another topic for another day...]

Sigh.....

1. There are no "jobs hiring." There are employers hiring. There are businesses hiring. There are individuals hiring. Jobs do not hire!
2. How does one's "house totally collapse..and we lost everything" with no prior warning?
3. For the love of all things holy...Fred is NOT leaving to go coach in the NBA next year. Crawl back into your troll holes you stupid fucks. He signed a new 10 year contract in 2013. He got a $50,000 bonus for Saturday's win against Kansas, a $50,000 bonus for making the NCAA tournament, will receive a $25,000 bonus for EACH NCAA playoff win AND each May he gets a $100,000 raise. (He's making $1.7 million this year.) His parents live in Ames. His inlaws live in Ames. He's FROM Ames and oh yeah, working for the NBA??? Been there, done that..so STFU, your mom is calling, your hot pocket is ready.

4. Let me see if I get this straight...In Missouri, I can shoot a police man in the head and get charged with assault and not attempted murder? Makes sense...(Are we fucking kidding here?)

5. All chicken and pork is "added" hormone free. ALL of it. Whether it says so on the package or not. It is against federal regulations to add additional hormones to pork or chicken. I am not saying the products are hormone fee, because both products naturally contain hormones. I am saying, the meat in the pretty packages that say "NO ADDED HORMONES" contain the same amount of hormones as the meat in the packages that DON'T say it. Its a marketing ploy geared at making you pay a little bit more for a supposed peace of mind on a subject you don't fully understand. It's kind of like that scene in Tommy Boy..."https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a5dpBpaFiMo" If you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will. I've got the time." I whole heartedly agree with having choices when it comes to what we eat, but for the love of GOD understand WHY you are making those choices...and please, please, please, don't make them because Food Babe or Dr. Oz told you to.

No more crabs

This post kind of picks up where I left off yesterday, on a little rant about things that piss me off...some sad news about a local business didn't help matters much, in fact, it kind of fueled my fire even more.
DISCLAIMER!! Now, I am not one who normally gives a shit if what a say "hurts your feelers" HOWEVER, in this post, I by no means am pointing fingers or pitting one organization or person or business against another, I am simply trying to get a point across and if it causes your ego to take a hit or causes you to look in the mirror and say, "oh...yeah, GUILTY!" Then my work here is done.
It really pisses me off that this community (and by community I mean whole county..hell I mean 50 square mile radius) cannot be more mutually supportive of one another.
There is nothing wrong with having certain likes and dislikes. I get that not everyone is interested in the same things or has the same tastes and that's fine, but riddle me this...does the prime rib served at the Pheasants Forever banquet taste any different than the prime rib served at the Catttlemen's and Pork Producers banquet? Why can't we have 500 people come support the current and next generation of livestock producers in this county like they support the pheasant population?
How is it that 4-500 people will come eat fish every Friday night during lent to help support the Knights of Columbus, but the Saddle Club and Crime Stoppers are lucky to have 100 people stop in for soup once a year?
Why is it we can flock to the Fourth of July parade every year, yet during the T-Bone parade we decide, "It's the last good weekend to go to the lake"?
Don't get me started on the number of excuses thrown about as to why people can't support different events at the fair...
Organizations can hold dueling piano events, mystery dinner theaters, dodge ball tournaments, fun runs, daddy daughter "prom nights" and we scoff saying, "yeah, that's not my thing" or say, "Are you kidding me? THAT'S not my crowd."  And when these organizations stop trying new things, we complain that there's "Never anything to do."
We have no problem driving 30-40 miles out of the area to go out for supper, rather than support a business on main street, yet when that business closes because of lack of patronage, we bitch that there's nowhere local to eat. (RIP Danish Inn.)
We will drive to Walnut to buy an antique coffee can without even checking to see if its something that Chuck's Bargain Barn or The Main Street Mall might have because, "Really? I haven't stepped foot in there in YEARS."
We need to stop this "exclusive," clique-driven, negative, questioning, doubting, FUN HATING, bullshit attitude we've developed! Let's support ALL of the wonderful things, events, people and businesses we have in this area!
Instead of saying, "that's not my thing" or "Yeah, that's not my 'crowd'" drop your attitude, let your hair down, have some fun and support the things we  DO have before they ALL disappear!
(I feel the need for another DISCLAIMER...I by no means, am putting down the success of one event at the expense of another...Pheasants Forever and The Knights of Colombus Fish Frys are terrific events that by no means should be put down..you could easily put different events and organizations into the equation and the point would be the same..they are also two events you will see me at (along with a host of the other things I have mentioned...)
I was talking to someone earlier this week who said, "We, as a community, have forgotten how to have fun. We'd rather point and gossip and say, 'Oh remember what they did 30 years ago?' I think they were on to something.
I have attended events and frequented establishments miles away from here, where we only knew the people we came with...never have we felt unwelcome, unwanted, or had the "What the hell are you doing here? and Who the hell are you look?" thrown our way. I cannot say the same is true, locally. We would rather question why someone is at an event or establishment instead of welcoming  their support. We would rather stare and whisper, then walk over and say, "Hello." We would rather sit back idly and watch as our businesses, organizations, events and towns dry up and then bitch about the aftermath, instead of digging in our heels, finding a positive attitude and extending a helping hand.
As I've said before, I'm not one to usually care if what I write pisses you off, but in this case, I have to say I'm sorry, but only because I KNOW WE CAN DO BETTER! Without a doubt, I know this. I've seen this. Yes, times are tough, we may have to pick and choose where our dollars go and what we can afford to support and I get that, TRUST me. But there is more than one way to skin a cat...you don't have to open your pocket book in order to show support, sometimes you can just open your mind, or open your heart.
Let's work together to shitcan this negative attitude that seems to be permeating everything and try to start having fun again. Let's try to work together. Let's try to step out of our comfort zones and for Christ's sake, lets try to build each other up instead of tearing each other down.

What's pissing me off today?

Well, thanks for asking? Where should I begin?
Oh, yes...the snow...and no I am not pissed because its snowing (It's Iowa. It's February. It's going to fucking snow.) I'm pissed because we can't decide how much snow we might or might not get. I realize that forecasting is simply hazarding a well educated guess based on models, maps and the like. I just get irritated by the 4-8 inches or the 3-11 inches. Which is it? Trust me...there's a HUGE difference between 4 inches and 8 inches and you know what? Size really does matter..if you've been told it doesn't, she's lying...
The people who are bitching about the gas tax.The ones that REALLY get me are the ones who say they are against a gas tax but in favor of a sales tax? Excuse me? A gas tax is a fucking sales tax...it is a tax on people who buy gas. You buy gas you pay the tax. You don't buy gas, you don't pay the tax...can I spell it out any clearer for you? Local governments are only allowed to levy for a set amount of tax dollars for road repairs. Those local governments also can only allocate a set amount of tax dollars to their road funds. When the cost of repairs exceeds the amount of tax dollars that can be allocated, guess what happens? Roads and bridges go to shit because we don't have the money to fix them.
Now, I will be the first to admit that tax funds for roads have probably been misappropriated or used unwisely..(fancy, inlaid brick designs on the "wall" separating the houses along I-80 in Council Bluffs from the interstate...multi-million dollar rest stops along the interstate (seriously a happy medium between the Taj Mahal and the rapey shelter house style design would be good) BUT there is no better option for raising funds to fix roads than upping the gas tax.
I could go on, but alas...we're looking at about 2 inches right now and I don't want to see what six looks on the road...i'd rather see it from my living room window...Later taters..

Why not just say "thanks"?

Nothing pisses me off faster than someone talking about how uncaring, cruel and money hungry livestock producers are. Considering that 99% of those who talk have never actually stepped foot on a farm, have only read a few propaganda pieces online, and assume that the meat fairy just arrives at the grocery store to restock the coolers; trying to reason with them is like trying to explain what the color orange sounds like. #fuckingimpossible

We live in a world where anything we ever wanted to know or learn about or explore is just a click away. With the technology comes a great responsibility, as anyone can buy a domain name, write a “report” and put it on the Internet for the feeble minded and uninformed to read, buy into and believe. It makes the truth awfully hard to find and to defend.

I think its no secret to any of my readers that I am a farm girl. Grew up on a farm, still live on one and am raising kids on the farm. When I read about people bashing livestock producers and questioning the way farmers care for their livestock, I see red. And then I laugh because I know not a single one of them has one iota of understanding as to what we, as farmers, actually do! I think its bullshit that someone with a full belly and a full mouth, talks shit about an industry they know nothing about.

 I know that we are just one small cattle farm and that our stories, trials and tribulations are not unique, but here’s just a small sample of what calving season looks like to the uninitiated.

Coming home from my daughter’s basketball game on Saturday morning, I was looking at the cows in the pasture to the south while my partner in crime was looking at the heifers penned to the north. We both had an "oh shit" moment. Hubs had zeroed in on a newborn calf who was lying by it’s mother in the north pen, while I had focused on the south pen, where some over zealous ladies had busted through the barbed wire and were gathered around the hay bales, silage bag and ground hay pile. We stopped the car at the end of the driveway. I hopped out to make sure the girls didn’t meander out to the road, while the hubby went to check on the newborn and Miss Jaci put on her overalls and Muck boots.

We spent the next few hours getting the cows back in, making sure baby and mama had fresh straw and a warm corner in the barn (remember it was 15 degrees out on Saturday, with the temperature dropping) and fixing fence.

That evening one of our A.I.’ed cows, who wasn’t due to calf for another three weeks decided it was time. She was checked and the calf couldn’t be reached, so the vet was called. The result? A twisted uterus and a dead calf—and as it typically goes, she was one of our best cows. Sure, the loss of income was noted (we don't just do this for the hell of it...our kids need shoes) but the loss of life was mourned.

The next morning, as we went to sort the girls into pens, by order of who was to calf next, a cow with fresh cleanings and after birth wandered past, with no calf in tow. The calf was found a few minutes later in a snow bank in not so good shape. She was quickly brought into the bathtub where we began to warm her up and dry her off. After a few minutes, she was loaded into the front seat of the truck and driven over to my brother’s to be put in the hotbox and have some electrolytes tubed straight into her belly. The news wasn’t great, as she was given maybe a 50/50 shot at surviving. We had done everything we could for Lil’ Red, whether or not she’d survive was up to her.

Leaving Red in the hotbox, the guys returned to the farm and attempted to catch Red’s mom and put her in the barn. The words bat shit crazy and fucking psycho were repeated several times over. Needless to say, getting within 20 yards of her, let alone getting her to accept her calf was going to be a shitshow. The guys went about their work and a few hours later, Red was recovering and ready to come home. Because Mama was still acting crazy, Red went into the porch and a bottle was mixed.

Three hours later, well past dark, the guys finally finished their chores and Red was moved to her new digs, the Man Cave basement, where she will remain until Mama decides to come around, or until the weather gets above single digits.

It was quite the weekend. And we only have 60 more head of cows yet to calf. But, we’re cruel and uncaring and money hungry, so it should be no big deal, right?

How about instead of questioning the practices and work ethic of people you know nothing about you just eat your cheeseburger with a smile and say, "Thank you?" #here'sashutthefuckupcake

I think

..there could not possibly be a larger doucherocket than Kanye West....
..people who are not professionals, should not proceed as though they are. We all have gifts and are good at certain things, that doesn't mean we are on par with those who have training and experience.  While it's impressive that you own every episode of Law and Order on DVD, took a few paralegal courses at the community college and can google code references like no other, I will not pay you a $5,000 retainer for your advice, I will go with the guy who went to law school and passed the bar exam and has practiced law in several states. (Insert ANY profession in this example and it rings true.)
..if Jesus wanted us all to have small asses, lettuce would taste like chocolate and wine would be calorie free.
..if 50 Shades of Grey, Magic Mike, or that late night porn movie your hubby rented on pay per view while you were away on your girls weekend, has seriously damaged your marriage--your marriage was already seriously damaged.
..we need to go ahead and stop using TMZ, UsWeekly, ET!Online and the like as serious news outlets. I understand that in the grand scheme of things, whether or not Bruce Jenner is a shemale, means little compared to the ongoing crisis in Syria. However, it would be nice if MSN et al, could quit using the phrase, "unnamed sources close to the family told TMZ," expecting us to believe that shit.
..we should just retire the word shocking. When everything is described as "shocking" nothing really is.
..when you link your Twitter feed to your Facebook page, it makes you look like you have Tourette's. Could you at least throw a FUCK, TWAT, PUSSY or ASSCLOWN in there somewhere for good measure?
..before graduating from high school a child should be required to learn how to do the following things: fry an egg, sew on a button, start the washer/dryer, change a tire, balance a check book and change the toilet paper roll.
..writing for Cards Against Humanity would be a dream job.

Soup Nazi

Really, I'm not even sure where to begin today.
Let's start with the twatcake from England who is attempting to collect on the kid who skipped her precious snowflake's birthday party...(for those of you not familiar with the story, here's the Cliff Notes version.)
Little Jimmy invited Little Johnny to his birthday party at the local ski center. (Here's my first problem..what the fuck is wrong with cake and free play in the backyard? That's another topic for another day.) Johnny's parents sent the RSVP back marked yes, but then later remembered they had a prior family commitment. Leaving the decision in Johnny's hands, Johnny chose to attend the family event and miss his friend's birthday party. Johnny's parents couldn't find the phone number for Jimmy's mom to let them know that he would not attend the party and did what most families do, just skipped the party.
A few weeks later Little Jimmy's mom had a school employee slip a note in Johnny's backpack. It was a bill for $24. Apparently the ski center charged Jimmy's mom $24 per kid and since Johnny didn't show, twatcake, I mean Mommy, figured Johnny's parents should have to cough up the money. (I swear I'm not making this shit up.)
When Johnny's parents did what any sane person would do and laughed profusely before saying, "Fuck no, I'm not paying this you delusional asshat." Jimmy's mom threatened them with small claims court.
Way to go twatcake...with this little stunt, you have now made it blatantly clear that NO ONE will ever attend ANY of your precious snowflake's birthday parties ever again.
If you can't afford to have a party that costs $24 per child, DON'T THROW A PARTY THAT COSTS $24 PER CHILD!
If you are trying to teach these "cretins" a lesson in manners or honoring commitments, just stop.... life happens, shit happens, parties are skipped, plans change ALL THE TIME! YOU are not special.
Now that I am warmed up..lets talk about the kangaroo court proceedings that occurred yesterday, here in our backyard (aka Cass County.)
What did we learn from the Leatha Slauson sentencing Barnyard critters? We learned that in the state of Iowa you can: pretend your child has cancer, going so far as to shave her head, shove a feeding tube in her nose, force feed her cancer meds and cannabis oil (obtained illegally) and then fuck the kind and caring public out of thousands of dollars and a trip to Disney World and get FIVE YEARS PROBATION for the little trick.

Yes, Captain Picard...I am dead serious. The skankass cuntbucket is roaming free among us, free to try this little scam again, because she's done it not once, but twice, and gotten away with it. (But, but, her kids were taken away from her!!) Doesn't matter, this piece of shit is just 30 years old...how long do you think it would take her to find another low life, piece of shit to knock her up and she could put on this little shit show again in another unassuming community?

She claims that she's no longer hearing voices or seeing shadow figures since she's been on medication and getting psychiatric help...correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe seeing and hearing shit are two classic symptoms of schizophrenia....so pray tell me Judge Kilnoski, why in the FUCK is this woman not, in the very least, in a padded room? Why in the FUCK is she not locked up somewhere? Oh, that's right, because our prisons are full of adults who consciously choose to dabble in drugs. That's a much BIGGER problem than abusing your child and bilking the public out of thousands of dollars..I mean it makes more sense to lock up the guy caught with a little dope than it does to put this "poor woman" in jail. Fucking PUH-LEAZE.

There is something seriously wrong with this country if getting caught growing a plant that is legally consumed in a handful of states, either medicinally or recreationally, can lead to the complete liquidation of your assets and a five year federal prison sentence, but doing what Slauson did gets you probation.

I could go on for HOURS about this....it is beyond disgusting to me.

Now...this doesn't fit into this discussion anywhere, but I am deciding to end todays trip through the Barnyard on a positive note..I made the best motherfucking soup in the world the other night, and I'd like to share the recipe with you. It is a Blondie original and it's fanfuckingtastic. It's not diet friendly, but its delicious and filling and feel good food, so just try it.

Motherfucking Amazing Corn Chowder

1 pound bacon

1 pound pork and bacon sausage (Farmland makes it, its in a tube (10 for $10 at Food Pride right now...you can sub other sausage, but this is sausage that tastes like bacon and bacon makes everything better.)

1 stick butter

1 bunch green onions (or white, or red, whatever onions you have, I like green, just for color)

1/2 cup flour

1 quart half and half (plus some more milk)

1 bag diced hash browns (not the frozen ones, the ones you find in the refrigerator section..yes you can peel, dice and cook your own potatoes, but I'm lazy like that.)

1 can whole kernel corn (if you have frozen corn, that's fine, use it. If you have homegrown, cut off the cob frozen corn, by all means use it. If you're one of those people that makes soup year round and you have fresh corn on the cob, you can use that as well. Personally, I only make soup in the winter and at our house corn on the cob is a meal in and of itself and there are no left overs.)

1 can creamed corn

Salt and Pepper to taste

Fry the bacon, drain, crumble and set aside. (I dice it up with my kitchen shears before cooking it.) In the same skillet (cuz again, lazy like that) brown and crumble your sausage. Drain and set aside, with the bacon. In a large stock pot or Dutch oven, melt your stick of butter, add your diced onion and sauté until it's translucent. (See through, for those of you who don't like big words.) Add your flour...you're making a roux here...cook your roux for a few minutes. (No need for it to get brown, you just want to let the flour taste cook off, because your Motherfucking Amazing Corn Chowder may taste like Motherfucking wall paper paste if you don't let the roux cook for a minute or two.) To your roux, slowly add your half and half, whisking the entire time. Bring the mixture to a boil. It will thicken as it cooks. Once its come to a boil, reduce your heat to simmering. Add your potatoes and corn. (If you're using canned corn, there is no need to drain, as the liquid will add more flavor and thin down your soup at the same time.) Simmer for about 10 minutes, until potatoes and corn are heated through. Stir in your bacon and sausage. You may add more milk at anytime until the chowder is the consistency you like. Finish with a generous sprinkling of black pepper. You may add salt, if you wish. The bacon, corn and sausage give the soup plenty of salt, but a dash or two extra, can certainly be added.

Serve the soup with a crusty bread or some biscuits and love the motherfucking soup, we do.

Dear John,

just kidding, this isn't one of those letters,w e are not breaking up..its simply time for an edition of my "Dear (fill in the appropriate asshat name)." It's kind of like Jimmy Fallon's "Thank You Notes."

Dear lady on swap, you've been trying to sell your Mary Kay cream eyeshadow since August. NO ONE WANTS THE SHIT! Besides, its now expired and would cause serious eye funk. Throw the shit away and move on.

Dear CPS, Two children ages 10 and 6 are seen walking alone (GASP) so the police are called to investigate and in turn the parents are reported to Child Protective Services for an investigation. The parents were aware the children were walking, and while I don't agree with their statement that, "the world is safer than it was 20 years ago" I do wonder why you launch an investigation into this matter and threaten to remove the children, yet almost DAILY you read news stories of abuse and neglect that make Stephen King books look like children's tales? It takes YEARS for CPS to figure out there are six children living in squalor, unable to speak, surrounded by dirty diapers, feces and dead cats, but you pounce on parents who let their children walk home from a park unaccompanied? I guess I should be waiting for you to knock on my door as my 10 year old has walked unaccompanied after school for several years now.

Dear lady who wrote Gone Girl, How fucked up are you? I mean, you have to have some deep seeded issues yourself in order to create the kind of fucked up narcissist you created in your book. I enjoyed it, don't get me wrong, but there is no way I would have a sleep over with you.

Dear yoga pants and Reisling, If loving you both is wrong and makes me a stereotypical, white middle class, bitch, then I don't want to be right.

Just shut the

front door already...you're letting the cold air in...you thought I was going to drop on F-bomb there, didn't ya? Don't worry Grasshopper, that will come in due time.
Well, since no one else has bothered to say it today, it's really fucking cold outside. Like, stupid cold outside. But you know what? This too shall pass...in six short months we will be bitching to high heaven about how fucking hot and humid it is, just you wait! In the mean time, here's a few things that we can go ahead and STOP doing during this cold snap we're having.
1) Stop bitching about living in Iowa. You want to move to Florida, then go. What's holding you up? I get really sick of reading, "I hate Iowa," or "I hate this fucking place." I don't think anyone is forcing you to stay here (unless you're a teenager and in that case, you can STFU and move elsewhere when you graduate). The same is true when a political discussion occurs. The state pharmaceutical board does not change the classification for marijuana, cue the "I hate this fucking state" comments...well you know what? Leave then. Go to Colorado or Oregon, or wherever the fuck you want to go and find something to bitch about there, because I guarantee you won't be satisfied there either. But I digress...
2) Stop the "Back when I was a kid they didn't let school out because of the cold" bullshit. A lot of things have changed since I was a kid and guess what? They aren't done changing! I remember in 1995 classes at IOWA STATE were cancelled due to the extreme cold...guess what fucktard...that was 20 years ago and that was a college canceling for cold weather, not an elementary school, so you can bet your sweet ass elementary and high school classes were cancelled too.
While we are on this topic..."back in the day" parents actually took the time and initiative to PARENT. They made damned sure their kids were wearing a coat and hat when they walked out the door.  Some parents these days don't even bother to look in their child's direction or haul their happy ass out of bed in the morning to make sure their child has what they need to have a successful day at school and a safe trip there and back. Back in the day parents made sure their kids OWNED a coat and hat and mittens. Some parents nowadays skip buying a winter coat because they'd rather buy a carton of Pall Malls or the latest video game to play on the gaming console they bought instead of paying the rent. Parents now a days are also "sue happy." Back in the day if a bus broke down and it took 20 minutes for another bus to come and pick the kids up, it would be no big deal because A. the kids would be plenty warm bundled up in their snow pants, coats, hat, mittens and scarf and B. because shit happens. Today, if that happened to Precious Snowflake, she would be on her cell phone calling mommy the second the bus died. Mommy would have a lawyer hired by the end of the day and Precious Snowflake would receive years of intense therapy for the pain and suffering endured.
Back when I was a kid we went to school from Labor Day to Memorial Day. We had maybe 2 teacher in services all year long. Shit has changed. Shit will continue to change. Maybe the way it was done "back then" wasn't the smartest way to do it? Yes, we all survived and are probably stronger for it, but you know what? I found it ridiculous to have to get out of bed, go outside and go to work today, I have no problem with my kids not having school today because of the temperature.
3) You can go ahead and stop acting like this has never happened before and will never happen again. It's winter, it's Iowa. Chances are it will get this temperature again in a few weeks. Buy a fucking stocking hat. Stock up on toilet paper. Put a blanket in your car and make sure your car is full of gas and your cell phone is fully charged. And if the snow starts flying or the roads start getting shitty, don't drive like a douchebag. Slow the fuck down, turn your headlights on and pull your head out of your ass. Really, it's not too much to ask.

I see

a pattern emerging....once a month, if I have nothing better to say, its evident that I need to purge my brain of things that are bothering me. So without further adieu..for our first post of 2015..here are the latest things causing me to say.. What the???
What the fuck is up with the amount of resources we spend to charge people with hunting and wildlife violations? (I can see the asshairs raising on those of you who say I hate wildlife and conservation...calm your tits and listen up.) It was nearly midnight on a recent Sunday night when it sounded like my home was under attack...lo and behold it was a low flying plane..most likely from the DNR attempting to catch spot lighters. Seriously? An airplane to catch a few people killing some raccoons? We throw money at things like this and then wring our hands trying to figure out "where oh where can we find enough money to fund allowable growth at 2%?" (That's education funding for those of you who don't know what allowable growth is.) WTF.
What the fuck people of Facebook Swap...you never cease to amaze me. One particular poster was asking for help in finding her missing cat. She assumes it got out because, "My two male cats have torn the vents apart in order to get outside..they wanted out that bad." My WTF is two-fold with this one. WTF are you doing to those cats that they want to escape so badly? Secondly WTF are you doing with house cats who tear the vents out of your walls? Are you certain they aren't bobcats? Let the fuckers stay outside.
I know there are many more things making me say WTF...but I have to go to work now..I shall return.