Knotty asshairs...

Sorry, you're getting a two-fer today...evidently my ass hairs are all knotted up!
I wonder why everyone has to be either liberal or conservative, right or left, red or blue....I am most definitely a healthy shade of purple and am completely fine with it. I am NOT completely fine with those who scream labels at me because I think one way or another.
I wonder how many of the people against same sex marriage secretly have stashes of porn heavily laden with girl-on-girl scenes...Why don't we keep the government out of our bedrooms?
I wonder how many of the psychos who committed mass shootings played Madden2012 on their PS3's and X-boxes? I have the "violent" video games in my home and a son who plays them. Hell, I bought them for him. We also bought him a shotgun...we also taught him the difference between right and wrong. We have taught him what reality is. We have been his parents, not his friends. We also make sure he doesn't stay in his room for hours on end playing violent video games or playing anything else for that matter. Random room checks and confiscations have also been known to happen...it's called being a parent. Why don't we all try that once?
There are far too many "squeaky wheels" that are attempting to speak for the rest of us these days. I think there are a TON of people who are somewhere in the middle on a lot of "issues" these days, we just don't want to scream out our opinion OR only part of our opinion will be listened to and we will be thrown into a labeled group.

If I were to say, I don't know where I stand on the two cases that include gay marriage rights that were put before the supreme court this week, I suspect a large majority would deem me homophobic...when that is not the case. I believe in equality. I believe that, yes, those protesting gay marriage will look very similar to those who protested civil rights cases in the 60's. I believe that its no ones business who or what I choose to share my life with, as long as my choice isn't hurting anyone else. But, I also think that in the two cases referenced, there is no right or wrong answer to how to deal with Prop 8 without trampling states rights. When it comes to the other case, I agree that the defendant should be afforded federal benefits and I think our tax code needs fixed, quite frankly, inheritance taxes are ridiculous. If gay marriages were recognized federally and in every state, the sun would still rise tomorrow.
If I were to say I don't support sweeping gun control, I would automatically be called a gun toting-right wing-fox news watching-heartless neanderthal who didn't feel a drop of emotion ofter Sandy Hook. That couldn't be father from the truth..I just don't think ANY of the gun control measures currently proposed will do a damned thing to prevent another school tragedy or mass shooting. Until we can figure out how to "fix" those who are so obviously broken, Sandy Hooks and Virginia Techs will continue to happen.
Just because I don't change my Facebook profile picture to support or defend your cause does not mean I don't support or defend the cause. It doesn't mean I don't care or are ambivalent.  It means I don't use Facebook to make a political statement. I use FB to post pictures of my kids, bitch about random things and creep on old high school and college classmates (yes Chrystal Hanrahan, this means you).

Common sense no longer common

It really irritates me that we have come to the point in civilization that we need to legislate common sense. I realize, to some extent, we always have, but it seems that lately it's been getting to the goddamned ridiculous point.
The trigger in this little rant are the new regulations from the IAHSSA banning two a day football practices and stating practices can be no longer than three hours...Now, I realize this is not LAW per se, but I am assuming it will be enforced as such. I am also assuming the "law" is due to one of two things A) Some ass hat coach didn't use common sense and went ahead with a four hour practice when it was 100 degrees out and someone died OR B) some asshat parent whined because little junior was working too hard, sweating too much and puked at practice and that's just not fair.
As the parent of a high school football player, we have always said we don't want a coach shooting rainbows and kittens up our kid's ass. We would rather go back to the day where the coach had a stick and when the whistle blew if your ass wasn't up and off the line by the time the stick swung, you got hit by said stick...because, and I have family members who will tell you...you didn't get hit by the stick more than once...
In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with two a day practices and there is nothing wrong with three hour practices, if you use common sense when having them. If it's 100 degrees out, lets have practice at 6 a.m. and stop by 8 a.m. Common sense. If it's going to be 70 degrees today and you got your ass handed to you in last week's game, we're going to have an extra long practice today and the players should be expecting it...common sense. But the problem is, common sense is lacking in a few, so the "powers that be"decide that NO ONE has common sense and instill rules.
They claim the reason behind the rule change is "player safety." Ok, fine, player safety it is. Medical research and reports have been read and this is the best thing to do for the kids. Alright, I get it, but are basketball (both boys and girls) baseball, softball, wrestling, golf, tennis, track and every other sport going to be limited to a three hour practice and two a days eliminated there, too? I doubt it. It will just take another form...morning shoot arounds and running will become "team meetings" with players "voluntarily" participating. Which is fine with me, because if it's not an "official" practice, then anyone can run it and I know several dads who would love to oversee a few work outs.
While this has put a burr up my ass, I think that coaches will find away to work around it; much like school districts find a way to work around the LAW (not regulation or recommendation, but LAW) that says school can't start before Sept. 1. (We start on what, Aug. 14 this year?)
The IAHSSA says, "A practice cannot exceed three (3) hours in length. Warm-up, stretching, speed and agility rules, strength training, and cool down are all considered part of a practice.  Optional weight training activities that are available to all students are not considered part of the practice." 
I foresee new stretching, speed and agility "centers" now opening and available to ALL students, popping up at schools across the state.
If my ass is this scratchy over just a high school football rule change, don't even ask me about REAL laws and court cases and how the government needs to back off of social issues and start looking at oh, I don't know, the economy and spending and the budget and debt and the military and the farm bill instead of worrying about who's sleeping with whom..... I could go on for days about things like that...

Ok Bev, you have our attention

We have always joked that we have a house ghost. Her name is Bev. She used to live in our house. She died of a brain aneurism, in the house. Well, technically, the ambulance came and took her to the hospital, but...I would bet dollars to donuts it was a formality. Anyway...sweet little lady, used to be a librarian, had a penchant for wall paper (it was everywhere...seven layers thick in some places) and her kitchen was covered in country blue hearts and geese.
Well, evidently she is tired of us joking about her.
As anyone who lives in an older house can attest to; older homes make noises. Creaks, pops, etc. Well, Dan swears the creaks are more than that and that he hears footsteps. He even accuses Drew of being up all hours of the night because he hears him walking around. Drew swears he is innocent. I'm on the fence. I think half the time, it really is Drew and he just doesn't want his dad realizing he's up. We've always just brushed aside the footsteps thing and kept the Bev joke rolling. Ice gets stuck in the ice maker on the refrigerator door, it begins to melt and flies out, we say it's Bev. You can't find your favorite sweatpants anywhere, you blame Bev. (It's actually Jaci getting over zealous on her laundry duties and putting your sweatpants in Dan's drawer and his underwear in yours.)
We now have occurrences that we can legitimately blame on Bev. (That is unless one of you can explain what the fuck is occurring...)
Saturday morning we wake up with no hot water...this is not paranormal, it's just fucking annoying as any plumbing or electrical problem that occurs, happens on a weekend or a holiday...never on a Tuesday at 10 a.m. Known for his handyman prowess, D doesn't even venture into the basement, he simply calls the plumber. The plumber arrives (after the mass, "Oh, fuck...can we even GET to the hot water heater-What kind of shit storm junk pile is laying in front of it?-cleaning frenzy"). The plumber checks everything out and cannot figure out why we don't have hot water. Everything is testing fine. So, he tells Drew and I (Dan and Jaci are not home) that he is going to shut the water off and take the hot water heater apart. About 10 minutes later, we hear water running. I think it must be John draining the hot water heater. Drew goes to investigate...the bathtub is running-both faucets turned on full power. I think, "Well, maybe John is messing with it." I told Drew to go ask/find John. He is in the basement, hasn't even entered the bathroom AND still has the water shut of.....tell me how that shit works?
Last night, I was working, Dan and Jaci aren't home, Drew is home alone. He calls me and tells me that his phone (which has the qwerty-slide out keyboard) was lying beside him on the couch with the slide open. All of the sudden the slide shuts and the phone powers off. When he turns it back on there is a text message. It says nothing but is dated Tuesday, Jan. 1, 1980. He saved it and showed it to me...Riddle me that shit Batman....Riddle me that shit...
Okay Bev, you have our attention; I will read more books and I will pay the fine from that book I never returned in 1998....

Well, hello new little button

Yes, I have discovered the "add photo" button that is on my blog, so I am going to continue to add photos...who knows what button I will discover next? (I really am pretty technologically inept-I am not ashamed to admit it...show me how to do it and I can figure it out---give me a manual and say, "go" and I say, "fuck you, I will stick with what I know."
Anywho...this is how I am feeling this week...

Why you may ask? Simple...I have grown up responsibilities. I have two offspring who continue to want to be fed, three times (at a minimum) everyday. I have two jobs and I feel massive amounts of guilt/fear if I were to just blow either of them off (a trait that seems to be disappearing from society). But, that doesn't mean that I don't want to pout and bitch and moan about responsibility, on occasion. Why am I inclined to do so today? Kid Rock...I have(had) the opportunity to see him in concert Friday night...alas, I have to work. And alas...this is also happening in my life

Thus, my affair with Kid Rock will not happen....well, that's probably no the only reason it won't be happening...but that's my story...So, if anyone needs me, I will be in my fort, with my crayons and my sippy cup...(translation, I will be working)...

Seriously What the Hell?

This has been my week....
It's one of those, "If I could live in my sweat pants/yoga pants this week and get away with it-I would" type of weeks, so I decided to improve my eating habits, routine, etc.
I planned ahead because, as the healthy/annoying people will say, "If you fail to plan, you plan to fail" or some shit like that. I had my fruits, my vegetables, my lean proteins..I had my pre-packaged small servings and my designated four small meals (to bring with me to work). I had my two gallon jug of water, I was prepared. I had planned.
I did not, however, plan on it being "Free Food For Friends" week at the office. It started Tuesday and culminated yesterday...Tuesday, the landlady brings homemade Danish puff...it is one of those rare baked goodies that is undeniable (meaning you cannot deny the puff--you must eat it).
Okay, one slice of Danish puff is not going to kill me, it will not tear me down, I will persevere. And I did...Wednesday went well and I knew I was getting back to a semi-healthy routine when the extra fiber began kicking in and I started to feel like that little old lady in church who farts each time she stands up or moves.
Thursday morning, protein shake in hand, I headed for the office. Got there, filled my water jug, opened the shake, it smelled like the previously mentioned little old lady, but I am not a food snob, so I enforced my life's philosophy (oh well, fuck it) and chugged it down. (Seriously, it smelled like poo, but considering there are times I would probably eat the ass end of a skunk if you put melted cheese and those crunchy onions on it, I digested it.)
Protein shake gone, feeling pretty good about myself when a client walks in with a half dozen fresh baked cinnamon rolls with cream cheese icing....seriously bitch? Can you not see the poo shake I just drank? I am trying to be good...I lasted all of 20 minutes, because willpower is a foreign word that I do not understand...It was worth it...It was fucking fabulous.
Thinking that, like the Danish puff, one cinnamon roll would not kill me, I went about my day. About 3:30 p.m. another customer walks in bearing an entire dinner for each of us...yes, dinner. An entire box of food...potato salad, coleslaw, prime rib...Seriously, WHAT THE SHIT IS THIS? It's delicious that's what it is...It's goddamned delicious...
But I was not deterred...I got out the stretchiest pants I own, that are not in the sweat or yoga pant family, mixed up yet another poo shake and have thus far managed to avoid friends with food...but it's only 2 p.m....and its a weekend and I have a bottle/gallon of open wine in my refrigerator that has been singing to me all week...one way or another, I will shut that winey bitch up.

Blondies' Random BS

If you decide to follow this blog with any regularity, you will find that I will often have posts that are nothing more than random thoughts....it's like every once in a while my brain needs emptied of all the various shit rolling around in it. Things that I have opinions on or that I think about, yet don't require and entire post, thus the need for Blondie's Random BS.
I am addicted to the sell, swap and trade sites on Facebook. I have made many a purchase and sold numerous things as well, however, I am starting to get really tired of the posts people make and or comment on regarding housing. Here's the deal folks and I will only tell you this once...when you RENT housing, you are simply BORROWING the home, apartment, Duplex, what have you from the owner of said establishment.  I don't give a rat's ass is your five dogs are house trained...they will still make a house smell like dog and there is still room for accidents. I know some 30-year olds who aren't 100% house-trained, there is no guarantee a four legged fur baby is either. Whining and crying that "bad pet owners make it impossible for the rest of us" is a crap argument. You want house pets, get your own home. The OWNER of the property doesn't want you turning the spare room into a litter box and that is his prerogative, seeing as how he paid the mortgage on the damned thing. (DISCLAIMER: I have pets, granted they are not indoor pets, but I am not anti-pet. I am anti people who want everyone else to change in order to fit their needs. You need a place to live, follow the rules of the person who owns the place...plain and simple.)
If you follow me on Pinterest, check out my "Shit I've Tried" board...there are brownies on there called Dang Good Brownies. I need to change the name to Fucking Amazing Brownies...they really are my new favorite and my new go to recipe. They have the perfect combination of chewy-gooey and cakiness....
Damn you auto correct....I want to spell cakiness, not caginess, stop changing it. Auto correct is one of those inventions I could have lived without. I attempted to type the word strange the other day, only my fat thumb must have moved and auto correct changed it to storage...without auto correct people would have understood completely what I meant when I typed strgne hairs versus storage hairs...
I know you are our sister publication and are simply sharing news, but really ANT, your "Friends who have Passed" postings on FB creep me out and are pretty morbid.
You can revoke my badass card anytime now...I recently added a Taylor Swift song and the new Justin Timberlake song to my Spotify...It does however, still play next to my extensive Johnny Cash list, my Nirvana and my penchant for 70's rock...
Brian Urlacher NOT in a Bears uniform will really make me sad...especially since I just got my new Urlacher jersey last fall...

Did you know

donkey basketball may be my new favorite sport? Actually, I think more sports should be played with donkeys...it makes it much easier to see who the real asses are..
Did you know that those who wear head to toe carhartt are actually fashion experts? (At least one thinks that anyway....he said that red jeans are hideous and tall boots are whorish....I just said you're a fucking idiot...)
Did you know that the Karras Loop for RAGBRAI was supposed to go through Audubon County? It was originally set to utilize the T-Bone Trail. It was going to go down the trail from Hamlin to Exira, through Exira east out of town to Ozzy's Corner/The Ridge Road (Pheasant Ave/N36 for those not from these parts) then back north to 44. When the official map came out, the loop has been moved the Shelby County...I will find out the cause behind this. While I was once on the planning committee for an overnight RAGBRAI stay and will never again support an OVERNIGHT stay, pass throughs are wonderful. There are far fewer rules and regulations passed down from the DM Register and your ability to actually make some money improves tremendously when you don't have to pay fees and licenses and worry about housing and showering 10,000 people.
We could have had the opportunity to show thousands of serious bike riders our bike trail. The economic impact that could have been afforded to the businesses along the trail and in the town of Exira was tremendous. Many also thought riders may have decided to take the trail north to visit Audubon. Now, that extra money effort and bike riding time will be spent in Shelby County...BRAVO to those who squashed this....(notice my need for a sarcasm font here) I would not be surprised if a group took a page from Marne's playbook and formed a grassroots effort to show off our trail and the people and businesses along and near it.
Did you know that if you post an item on the FB sell, swap and trades sites, complete with details on the size, price and where you are located, you will get no less than six replies asking for the size, price and location...
Did you know that school is starting on Aug. 14? I remember when school started on Sept. 7....I also remember 99 cent gas and buying a pop and a candy bar for a buck....as I already mentioned I am old.
Did you know that Tim Tebow is getting offers from arena league teams? I have a side ache from the laughter caused by this random tidbit of knowledge...he was NEVER a quarterback!!! He was a glorified fullback...I guess God really wasn't on his team...

Aging

I am officially old. If not old, without a doubt middle aged....and you know, it's really not all that bad. Aging has a few drawbacks, I will admit...the three or four day hangovers, the random hairs that sprout from funny places (the mole on your cheek, your chin, nipple, you know the ones I am talking about) the funny smells (again you know the ones I speak of).
I am reminded of my age as I sit recovering from the Taylor Swift concert I took my almost nine year old to last night. It's funny though, as normally, when I am recovering from a concert, I am trying to suffer through the shitty, kegged beer headache and the hoarse-from-screaming sore throat. Today, I am simply recovering from the headache caused by the screaming 12 year old girls and the confusion I have in still trying to decipher a single word that Ed Sheeran spoke.
 Let me explain. (The 12 year old girl thing should be obvious, the Ed Sheeran thing...he was Taylor's opening act. He is a scruffy bearded, tattooed Brittish ginger that kind of resembles Prince Harry, sort of...(it was dark and we were far away).) The thing that confuses me is that I think the Brits' ability to sing perfectly intoned, understandable English, yet NOT be able to SPEAK a lick of anything that can be deciphered is the 8th wonder of the world....I did get a chuckle out of the two teen girls seated behind me and their reaction to Mr. Sheeran. I now know how us middle aged housewives sound/act when we attend a Bon Jovi concert...we are fucking pathetic. I swear they hyperventilated when he took the stage. They swore they (and these are their words) "smelled British" and here's the best part...at one point one of them screamed, "He just smiled at me!!!!" Our seats were in the upper bowl of section 217...Jaci even asked if we would need tissues since dad said the tickets were nose bleed seats. Sweetheart, he isn't even aware our section exists...he smiled at the gal 2 feet in front of him, not at you.
I was not alone last night, as the majority of the 13,800 people in attendance were parents there with their 6-12 year olds, so I wasn't the only one showing their age. I do have to admit, I was mildly entertained. I did not have high expectations going into the show. My younger brother had seen Miss Swift a few years ago and said the experience was akin to listening to an alley cat have its tail stepped on for two hours straight.
Mr. Sheeran, while not being able to speak, can sing and did so with only his guitar and some piece of equipment that recorded his guitar licks and singing and then looped it to make it sound like he had background singers and a band...it was pretty cool. Brett Elderdge, a country newcomer who Jace swore was Luke Bryan, was pretty good too.
As for Miss RED herself, I can see why she is nominated for Entertainer of the Year as she does put on a show. There were dancers and light shows, lots of big screen graphics, drummers dropped from the ceiling, fireworks, smoke, she flew above the crowd in a cage sort of thing. It was a show. Her music was too loud and if I was not forced to listen to her RED cd on my drive to the big O, I would have been lost, as 13 of her 17 songs were off of that album. I did appreciate that she moved to a smaller stage at the back of the auditorium and did an acoustic set. She did sound pretty much like she does on her albums, which is why she has had success in country music land. In country music land, if you can't sing live, you don't last long.
The bottom line was my almost nine year old was awed. She went from screaming/crying, appearing as though she was about to pee her pants to silent reverence...watching her was worth it...even if it was the first concert I can remember in which I didn't stand once, or drink a single glass of shitty kegged beer. (Well, if you don't count the two concerts I attended while pregnant and the Alabama and Oak Ridge Boys concerts my parents took me to when I was five and six at the Iowa State Fair.)

Trunks and asses

Because this is the red headed step child of my newspaper column, in which I have said I will not discuss politics or religion or other incendiary topics, those things are free game here! So, lets talk politics, shall we?
I'm not going to sit here and say one party is superior to the other or call you out for voting the way you do or supporting this candidate over that, I am only going to speak of the trunks and asses (elephants and donkeys) as a whole. And as a whole, the system is broke as fuck....on all levels and here is why.
No one has balls. No one has the guts to make an unpopular decision or piss anyone off. They are too busy pandering to this lobbyist and that special interest group. They are too damned worried about getting re-elected and pointing fingers. They don't want to look at the big picture or use any common sense or logic. Its much easier to piss and moan and bitch and not get anything accomplished.
So, you know what I think should happen? Come Jan. 1 of each year, the budget is the ONLY thing that gets worked on and you have until the end of the month to get the budget passed. Come Jan. 31. if you haven't gotten that budget approved, you do not pass go you do not collect $200, your ass sits in those chambers until it gets passed. If you decide to leave, the rest of congress will take your absence as a vote of "whatever you guys decide is fine with me." There will be no hearings on newly appointed cabinet members or subcommittees proposing gun regulations, you pass the budget and that is it before moving on to ANYTHING else. The last time I checked, the Secretary of Defense doesn't have jackshit to do with passing the budget...pass a fucking budget. Oh and one more thing. Come Jan. 31, if that budget isn't passed, your pay is cut...if it takes you 10 more days to pass it, that is 10 less days of pay you get...
And while we are on the topic of budgets, here's how we get it under control or get spending in line. We take the top five "expenses" the government has, we ask the departments in charge of those expenses to cut 10%. We aren't going to tell you WHAT you have to cut or HOW you need to get to that 10%, we just ask that you get there. For example, if the USDA falls into that Top 5, then it is up to Tom Vilsack and his cronies to figure out where the 10% cuts come from...he is the head of the Department of Ag, he should have the best grasp as to where the pork is in his department. We ask the next five biggest expenses to cut 5% and so on and so forth....
Ok, so now that we have the budget passed and the spending cuts made, lets work on that pesky little thing called growing some fucking balls. I am the first to admit that yeah, being popular is a good thing, however, when you are elected, its not because you are the best looking or have the nicest house, it's because the voters feel you can make the best decision, even if its not the popular one. Too often, those we have elected make decisions based on feelings, rather than on what is best for the big picture. Do I mean that you have to be heartless to be a politician, oh hell no. What I am saying is keep your emotions in check when forming legislation. Here's an example, and feel free to fire away at me, after all, debate is a blood sport in my family and I will argue/preach and debate until I am blue, the majority of the gun control legislation that is being tossed around in the Senate right now wouldn't have done a damned thing to stop what happened at Sandy Hook Elementary School. The guns used were purchased legally, by a person who would have passed any of the proposed control measures. The madman stole the guns from his mother. An assault rifle ban, pretty much meaningless as he would have just found and used more handguns...Clip restrictions. Have you ever changed a clip or seen a clip changed? It takes seconds. Yes, lives could have been saved in those seconds, but the fact of the matter is, that fucking whack job would have found a way to commit the violence he committed no matter how many regulations were in place, short of an all out firearms ban and that will never happen. I have a feeling our war on guns will be similar to the "War on Drugs" we have been waging since the Regan era...that's  been a ROARING success now hasn't it?
Speaking of the war on drugs, I read an article today in the DM Register that a rodeo clown has been charged in federal court for growing marijuana...he faces a MANDATORY MINIMUM of 20 years...meanwhile the sick fuck who repeatedly RAPED his children while living in the back of an abandoned part of the mall, is eligible for parole after 35 years.....wake the fuck up government and get back on track, please?

Sad but True...

Since we are still in the beginning stages of our relationship here, I should share a little more about myself with you all. (You know, I'd at least like you to know some of my quirks before we get to second base or anything like that.)
I have been known to drive to the McDonald's in Atlantic for an iced tea and nothing else....their tea is that good. Sad but true.
I have also been known to drive to the Hometown Foods in Guthrie Center for a container of their blackberry pepper jelly and nothing else...Sad but true.
I will spend more time on my "we are staying in with no kids" beauty routine than I will on my "it's time to go out in public and see people" beauty routine. Sad but true.
I will judge you on what you bring to a potluck dinner....a boxed brownie mix or cake mix I can handle, but if you're trying to pass off deli potato salad as your own, bring in a Suddenly Salad (which is obvious as fuck) or stop at Pizza Hut on the way in, I will look down on you. Sad, but true.
If you order any cut of meat well done, I will also look down on you. Hell, I will openly ask WTF is wrong with you....Sad but true.
As much as I profess to not care if people like me or not or agree with my opinion or not, I often feel the need to explain myself further or validate my reasoning when someone disagrees with me...Sad but true.
When people start talking politics or religion or other serious topics in which it is obvious they have no freaking clue as to what they are saying, I get a rabid urge to slap them in the face. Sad but true.
I believe people who use phrases like, "everything happens for a reason" and "God only gives us what we can handle" and "When one door closes another opens" whole heartedly deserve my foot up their ass. Sad but true.
I know that it takes a village and that each and every parent must find a practice that works for them. HOWEVER, when you breast feed or co-sleep until they are five, or do some other funky shit, don't be surprised when I call your ass out on it and tell you you're fucking your child up, because I will. Sad but true. (Okay, maybe not so sad, just a lot of true)

There now I think we are a little more comfortable with each other...:)

Getting to know me

Welcome to Blondie's Barnyard, my little chunk of the internet. I've been asked to start blogging again, so here we go.
Let's start off by getting to know each other. I am a middle aged wife and mother of two. I write for a small town newspaper (meaning I attend a lot of meetings, soup suppers, benefits and community events--the most sensationalized news I get to print is the Sheriff's report). I have a little column, sort of a redneck Erma Bombeck type of thing called "Caution Blonde Thinking" hence the blonde part of the title of this blog. I also am a dyed in the wool, shit on her shoes farm girl--thus the barnyard part, as inevitably there will be a farm story or two on here.
What else should I share? Do you want the Playboy Centerfold version "The movie Beaches still makes me cry. I enjoy long walks on the beach" type shit? Didn't think so...
I am loud, crude, opinionated, I have a potty mouth and frequently drop the F-bomb. The older I get the  more conservative and less tolerant I have become. I have also started to live my life with a philosophy of "Oh Well, Fuck It." I'm like a crotchety old man with a vagina.
I can already see some of you getting your asshairs in a knot thinking "Oh great, we have a red state dwelling, trailer house living, racist, homophobic redneck here...she's conservative and intolerant."
Wrong... although I do live in a red state and I will admit to having a slightly scarlet neck. The more conservative part comes from being a fiscal conservative. I think our government spending is out of control. If I spend more than I have or let some payments slide I get things called overdrafts and phone calls from collection agencies. If I get too far in debt, my bank cuts me off, my credit rating shitcans and I can't even get an Old Navy card...that's how the real world works Washington, and it's time we start figuring that out.
The less tolerant part of me comes from the fact that I cannot tolerate bullshit, drama, pettiness, rampant political correctness and the list continues to grow. I left junior high many moons ago and have no desire to go back, so save your bullshit, your drama and your pettiness for someone who gives a rats ass. And for political correctness? For fuck sakes people. I think some scream "I'm offended" just to get their 15 minutes of fame on the internet or the evening news. I'm sorry, but I don't give a good God damn if you don't celebrate Christmas, I do. So if it's December, I will tell you Merry Christmas. Not Happy Holidays. Not Season's Greetings. Not Blessed Kwanza. If you don't like it, oh well, fuck it. (See how that philosophy works?) I get really tired of having to change beliefs and traditions and the way we do things to satisfy someone else's desires. For shit's sake, can we stop taking ourselves so seriously? These are the kinds of things that make me intolerant.
My philosophy on life? If my hair doesn't do what I want. Oh well, fuck it, it's going in a pony tail or under a hat. If my jeans are a little too tight. Oh well, fuck it, yoga pants it is. I'm not thin enough, pretty enough, drive the right car or wear the right clothes. I drink too much, swear too much, argue too much, Oh well, fuck it, I am who I am, take me or leave me.
That about sums my bio up. I started writing this thinking it would be the red headed step child of my column. (Oh snap, someone's offended now because I used that phrase....please refer to my philosophy on life. And for the record, my son is a red head and he is a good looking kid! I love redheads, it's just a phrase people...simmer down.) I am pretty opinionated and I know a lot of random things, so I have a lot to say. Not all of it can be printed in a small town newspaper across from the Red Hat Ladies luncheon and behind the obituaries. If I dropped an F-bomb in my column or called someone a douchenozzle, the Red Hat Ladies would get THEIR asshairs in a knot.
I hope to entertain you, and I probably will offend someone every now and again. Sorry. Don't take it personally, its an opinion and it's mine. I will probably tell a story about living on the farm once in a while. I will bitch about things in the news and about pop culture. I may share something I've tried on Pinterest now and again and I may give advice. I hope you'll keep reading and maybe share it with a friend or two. If not....I will simply live by my philosophy. (See how easy that is?)
Come back and visit again sometime.