Suck it Trebeck

I have decided I am a terrible, horrible, very bad person. And the bad news is, you are too. How can I tell? Just read any article online or in a magazine and they will tell you (as they've told me) how horrible you are for doing X or for NOT doing Z. So, I'm hoping that by confessing to all of my supposed sins here, I can somehow atone for all of the things I thoroughly fuck up, do wrong, or just plain am abhorred for.
1. I did not breast feed either of my children. They are perfectly healthy, happy, well adjusted, intelligent individuals. My boobs, my kids, my choice. See how that works?
2. I use aluminum foil, and cling wrap, and Ziploc baggies and plastic garbage bags and Ziploc containers that, on occasion get thrown away. I don't give a rats ass what goes into the creation of aluminum foil...I do like my lasagna to get properly cooked and not dried out on the top.
3. I don't think that music has to be cerebral, or make a political statement. I think music should make you happy. It should have a good beat. It should be easy to sing along to and dammit, it should be appropriate for signing at the top of your lungs at last call when you've had too many Fireball shots. Which means, I should not feel ashamed to admit I like Nickleback.
4. I used disposable diapers..I had no desire to get elbow deep in the yellow poo my two spawn would expel on occasion. My dogs really enjoyed the chew treats that, half burnt dirty diapers pulled from the burn barrel, would make, too. (And yes, I called my children spawn.)
5. On that note, I have a burn barrel. I burn garbage.
6. I only half ass recycle. Some of it goes in the recycling bin. See #5 as to what happens to the rest of it. I do cash in my aluminum cans. Most of the time they are cashed in when my month is longer than my paycheck.
7. I don't eat enough fruits and vegetables and the ones that I do eat are, most of the time, not organic and they are not watered by the tears of a unicorn or picked lovingly from their vines by unionized farm workers.
8. I couldn't care less if the food I eat has GMO's in it or not.  Monsanto helps to keep shoes on my children and a roof over my head.
9. I eat red meat. Rare.
10. I eat raw cookie dough. Yes, it was in the news today that a woman died from POSSIBLY eating raw cookie dough, three years ago. She was already immunosuppressed...the source of the E coli poisoning she contracted was never determined. Fuck it, I will continue to eat it.
11. I do not read books that are meant to make me look smarter. I have tried to read The Fountainhead, Anna Karenina, etc. and they just don't entertain me. I read to be entertained. Give me a James Patterson or Patricia Cornwell novel anytime.
12. I drink cheap wine.
13. I feed my children fast food and processed lunch meat. Sometimes they eat cheddar puff corn and drink Pepsi for supper. Sometimes its Kraft mac and cheese with hot dogs.
14. I buy and enjoy Velveeta cheese.
15. I drink water from a plastic bottle. That plastic bottle has sometimes spent a few days in my car.
16. I have re-gifted.
17. I buy generic.
18. I don't give a shit what my carbon foot print looks like. I can only hope for the best for my great-grandchildren, because I guarantee the shitshow we live in today, is not what my great grandmother hoped and dreamt for me.
19. I hate the Kardashians with a burning passion that runs deep.
20. I own a deep-fryer and am not afraid to use it.
21. I have lard in my cupboard and I know how to use it.
22. I have no clue what my shampoo is made of. If it smells good, fits the budget and makes me look less greasy, less brittle, or less frizzy, I buy it.
23. I go to bed with make up on.
24. I can't remember the last time I gave my windows a good washing.
25. I do not investigate what the funky smell in the porch is...thats why God made Scentsy.

I could probably come up with 100 more, but I shouldn't have to. This is my life, its how I choose to live it and I'm happy to be who I am. If you do or don't do any of these things, guess what? I don't give a shit. As long are you're not a dick, I'm confident we can be friends. Unless you like your red meat well done...then we may have to have a serious discussion.

Get off the damned lawn!!!!

I feel like the crabby old man yelling at the kids in the neighborhood, this morning, and here's why!

It is the morning after the midterm elections and I am again saying a prayer for the future of this great country. I can already hear the outrage brewing out of some of you, but stay with me here, for I am not talking about the results of the gubernatorial, congressional, state or local elections. I am talking about a vote in Berkley, Calif. that has really frosted my Cheerios.

Voters in Berkley approved a tax on soda, or pop as we like to call it ‘round these parts. That’s right kids, Berkley has passed the nations first soda tax, and it’s a doozy! Shoppers in the city will now pay a 1-cent per ounce tax on sugar-sweetened beverages and the sweeteners used to flavor drinks. Now, I understand that sugary beverages like pop are filled with empty calories and obesity rates are climbing. HOWEVER, I see some problems with this law. Those problems are: diet soda, milk, 100% juice, baby formula, alcoholic drinks taken for medical reasons (wait…what the fuck are those and how do I get a prescription) and sugary drinks and sweeteners distributed to very small retailers are exempt AND the bill does not dictate where the money is spent.

So, to break it down…regular Pepsi, sweetened with sugar is taxed, Diet Pepsi sweetened with artificial chemicals is not? Juicy Juice, which is only 10% real juice is taxed in Wal-Mart, but not at the very small, corner grocery store down the street. Hmm…that makes perfect sense, right? Wrong…laws like this are why we can’t have nice things.

If you want to start taxing “junk food” like you tax cigarettes because of the increased costs associated with healthcare issues related to obesity, by all means, go for it. HOWEVER, you should be required to spell out that the tax is going towards specific spending, like health, nutrition, physical education and active recreation programs in schools, the Department of Public Health and parks departments. It should also be across the board. The only exemptions should be unflavored milk, 100% juice and unsweetened beverages period. Any beverage with any kind of sweetener, sugar, corn based or chemical, should not have an exemption. This law is like the healthy school lunch initiative…a good idea in theory that was carried out completely wrong.

But the exemptions and the tax itself aren’t the biggest problem I see. The biggest problem I have with laws like this is the fact that governing bodies are telling us what we can and cannot drink via a tax. I can somewhat understand cigarette taxes (second hand smoke), but I have yet to see the individual harmed by second hand Pepsi guzzling.

To the people of Berkley who voted YES to this poorly worded law, you give me douchebumps. You along with the millions of twatwaffles who have to watch a video tutorial to figure out how to make a messy bun are the reason we've not found a cure for cancer.

P.S. Thank God No Shave November is finally here...