Soup Nazi

Really, I'm not even sure where to begin today.
Let's start with the twatcake from England who is attempting to collect on the kid who skipped her precious snowflake's birthday party...(for those of you not familiar with the story, here's the Cliff Notes version.)
Little Jimmy invited Little Johnny to his birthday party at the local ski center. (Here's my first problem..what the fuck is wrong with cake and free play in the backyard? That's another topic for another day.) Johnny's parents sent the RSVP back marked yes, but then later remembered they had a prior family commitment. Leaving the decision in Johnny's hands, Johnny chose to attend the family event and miss his friend's birthday party. Johnny's parents couldn't find the phone number for Jimmy's mom to let them know that he would not attend the party and did what most families do, just skipped the party.
A few weeks later Little Jimmy's mom had a school employee slip a note in Johnny's backpack. It was a bill for $24. Apparently the ski center charged Jimmy's mom $24 per kid and since Johnny didn't show, twatcake, I mean Mommy, figured Johnny's parents should have to cough up the money. (I swear I'm not making this shit up.)
When Johnny's parents did what any sane person would do and laughed profusely before saying, "Fuck no, I'm not paying this you delusional asshat." Jimmy's mom threatened them with small claims court.
Way to go twatcake...with this little stunt, you have now made it blatantly clear that NO ONE will ever attend ANY of your precious snowflake's birthday parties ever again.
If you can't afford to have a party that costs $24 per child, DON'T THROW A PARTY THAT COSTS $24 PER CHILD!
If you are trying to teach these "cretins" a lesson in manners or honoring commitments, just stop.... life happens, shit happens, parties are skipped, plans change ALL THE TIME! YOU are not special.
Now that I am warmed up..lets talk about the kangaroo court proceedings that occurred yesterday, here in our backyard (aka Cass County.)
What did we learn from the Leatha Slauson sentencing Barnyard critters? We learned that in the state of Iowa you can: pretend your child has cancer, going so far as to shave her head, shove a feeding tube in her nose, force feed her cancer meds and cannabis oil (obtained illegally) and then fuck the kind and caring public out of thousands of dollars and a trip to Disney World and get FIVE YEARS PROBATION for the little trick.

Yes, Captain Picard...I am dead serious. The skankass cuntbucket is roaming free among us, free to try this little scam again, because she's done it not once, but twice, and gotten away with it. (But, but, her kids were taken away from her!!) Doesn't matter, this piece of shit is just 30 years old...how long do you think it would take her to find another low life, piece of shit to knock her up and she could put on this little shit show again in another unassuming community?

She claims that she's no longer hearing voices or seeing shadow figures since she's been on medication and getting psychiatric help...correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe seeing and hearing shit are two classic symptoms of schizophrenia....so pray tell me Judge Kilnoski, why in the FUCK is this woman not, in the very least, in a padded room? Why in the FUCK is she not locked up somewhere? Oh, that's right, because our prisons are full of adults who consciously choose to dabble in drugs. That's a much BIGGER problem than abusing your child and bilking the public out of thousands of dollars..I mean it makes more sense to lock up the guy caught with a little dope than it does to put this "poor woman" in jail. Fucking PUH-LEAZE.

There is something seriously wrong with this country if getting caught growing a plant that is legally consumed in a handful of states, either medicinally or recreationally, can lead to the complete liquidation of your assets and a five year federal prison sentence, but doing what Slauson did gets you probation.

I could go on for HOURS about this....it is beyond disgusting to me.

Now...this doesn't fit into this discussion anywhere, but I am deciding to end todays trip through the Barnyard on a positive note..I made the best motherfucking soup in the world the other night, and I'd like to share the recipe with you. It is a Blondie original and it's fanfuckingtastic. It's not diet friendly, but its delicious and filling and feel good food, so just try it.

Motherfucking Amazing Corn Chowder

1 pound bacon

1 pound pork and bacon sausage (Farmland makes it, its in a tube (10 for $10 at Food Pride right now...you can sub other sausage, but this is sausage that tastes like bacon and bacon makes everything better.)

1 stick butter

1 bunch green onions (or white, or red, whatever onions you have, I like green, just for color)

1/2 cup flour

1 quart half and half (plus some more milk)

1 bag diced hash browns (not the frozen ones, the ones you find in the refrigerator section..yes you can peel, dice and cook your own potatoes, but I'm lazy like that.)

1 can whole kernel corn (if you have frozen corn, that's fine, use it. If you have homegrown, cut off the cob frozen corn, by all means use it. If you're one of those people that makes soup year round and you have fresh corn on the cob, you can use that as well. Personally, I only make soup in the winter and at our house corn on the cob is a meal in and of itself and there are no left overs.)

1 can creamed corn

Salt and Pepper to taste

Fry the bacon, drain, crumble and set aside. (I dice it up with my kitchen shears before cooking it.) In the same skillet (cuz again, lazy like that) brown and crumble your sausage. Drain and set aside, with the bacon. In a large stock pot or Dutch oven, melt your stick of butter, add your diced onion and sauté until it's translucent. (See through, for those of you who don't like big words.) Add your flour...you're making a roux here...cook your roux for a few minutes. (No need for it to get brown, you just want to let the flour taste cook off, because your Motherfucking Amazing Corn Chowder may taste like Motherfucking wall paper paste if you don't let the roux cook for a minute or two.) To your roux, slowly add your half and half, whisking the entire time. Bring the mixture to a boil. It will thicken as it cooks. Once its come to a boil, reduce your heat to simmering. Add your potatoes and corn. (If you're using canned corn, there is no need to drain, as the liquid will add more flavor and thin down your soup at the same time.) Simmer for about 10 minutes, until potatoes and corn are heated through. Stir in your bacon and sausage. You may add more milk at anytime until the chowder is the consistency you like. Finish with a generous sprinkling of black pepper. You may add salt, if you wish. The bacon, corn and sausage give the soup plenty of salt, but a dash or two extra, can certainly be added.

Serve the soup with a crusty bread or some biscuits and love the motherfucking soup, we do.

Dear John,

just kidding, this isn't one of those letters,w e are not breaking up..its simply time for an edition of my "Dear (fill in the appropriate asshat name)." It's kind of like Jimmy Fallon's "Thank You Notes."

Dear lady on swap, you've been trying to sell your Mary Kay cream eyeshadow since August. NO ONE WANTS THE SHIT! Besides, its now expired and would cause serious eye funk. Throw the shit away and move on.

Dear CPS, Two children ages 10 and 6 are seen walking alone (GASP) so the police are called to investigate and in turn the parents are reported to Child Protective Services for an investigation. The parents were aware the children were walking, and while I don't agree with their statement that, "the world is safer than it was 20 years ago" I do wonder why you launch an investigation into this matter and threaten to remove the children, yet almost DAILY you read news stories of abuse and neglect that make Stephen King books look like children's tales? It takes YEARS for CPS to figure out there are six children living in squalor, unable to speak, surrounded by dirty diapers, feces and dead cats, but you pounce on parents who let their children walk home from a park unaccompanied? I guess I should be waiting for you to knock on my door as my 10 year old has walked unaccompanied after school for several years now.

Dear lady who wrote Gone Girl, How fucked up are you? I mean, you have to have some deep seeded issues yourself in order to create the kind of fucked up narcissist you created in your book. I enjoyed it, don't get me wrong, but there is no way I would have a sleep over with you.

Dear yoga pants and Reisling, If loving you both is wrong and makes me a stereotypical, white middle class, bitch, then I don't want to be right.

Just shut the

front door already...you're letting the cold air in...you thought I was going to drop on F-bomb there, didn't ya? Don't worry Grasshopper, that will come in due time.
Well, since no one else has bothered to say it today, it's really fucking cold outside. Like, stupid cold outside. But you know what? This too shall pass...in six short months we will be bitching to high heaven about how fucking hot and humid it is, just you wait! In the mean time, here's a few things that we can go ahead and STOP doing during this cold snap we're having.
1) Stop bitching about living in Iowa. You want to move to Florida, then go. What's holding you up? I get really sick of reading, "I hate Iowa," or "I hate this fucking place." I don't think anyone is forcing you to stay here (unless you're a teenager and in that case, you can STFU and move elsewhere when you graduate). The same is true when a political discussion occurs. The state pharmaceutical board does not change the classification for marijuana, cue the "I hate this fucking state" comments...well you know what? Leave then. Go to Colorado or Oregon, or wherever the fuck you want to go and find something to bitch about there, because I guarantee you won't be satisfied there either. But I digress...
2) Stop the "Back when I was a kid they didn't let school out because of the cold" bullshit. A lot of things have changed since I was a kid and guess what? They aren't done changing! I remember in 1995 classes at IOWA STATE were cancelled due to the extreme cold...guess what fucktard...that was 20 years ago and that was a college canceling for cold weather, not an elementary school, so you can bet your sweet ass elementary and high school classes were cancelled too.
While we are on this topic..."back in the day" parents actually took the time and initiative to PARENT. They made damned sure their kids were wearing a coat and hat when they walked out the door.  Some parents these days don't even bother to look in their child's direction or haul their happy ass out of bed in the morning to make sure their child has what they need to have a successful day at school and a safe trip there and back. Back in the day parents made sure their kids OWNED a coat and hat and mittens. Some parents nowadays skip buying a winter coat because they'd rather buy a carton of Pall Malls or the latest video game to play on the gaming console they bought instead of paying the rent. Parents now a days are also "sue happy." Back in the day if a bus broke down and it took 20 minutes for another bus to come and pick the kids up, it would be no big deal because A. the kids would be plenty warm bundled up in their snow pants, coats, hat, mittens and scarf and B. because shit happens. Today, if that happened to Precious Snowflake, she would be on her cell phone calling mommy the second the bus died. Mommy would have a lawyer hired by the end of the day and Precious Snowflake would receive years of intense therapy for the pain and suffering endured.
Back when I was a kid we went to school from Labor Day to Memorial Day. We had maybe 2 teacher in services all year long. Shit has changed. Shit will continue to change. Maybe the way it was done "back then" wasn't the smartest way to do it? Yes, we all survived and are probably stronger for it, but you know what? I found it ridiculous to have to get out of bed, go outside and go to work today, I have no problem with my kids not having school today because of the temperature.
3) You can go ahead and stop acting like this has never happened before and will never happen again. It's winter, it's Iowa. Chances are it will get this temperature again in a few weeks. Buy a fucking stocking hat. Stock up on toilet paper. Put a blanket in your car and make sure your car is full of gas and your cell phone is fully charged. And if the snow starts flying or the roads start getting shitty, don't drive like a douchebag. Slow the fuck down, turn your headlights on and pull your head out of your ass. Really, it's not too much to ask.

I see

a pattern emerging....once a month, if I have nothing better to say, its evident that I need to purge my brain of things that are bothering me. So without further adieu..for our first post of 2015..here are the latest things causing me to say.. What the???
What the fuck is up with the amount of resources we spend to charge people with hunting and wildlife violations? (I can see the asshairs raising on those of you who say I hate wildlife and conservation...calm your tits and listen up.) It was nearly midnight on a recent Sunday night when it sounded like my home was under attack...lo and behold it was a low flying plane..most likely from the DNR attempting to catch spot lighters. Seriously? An airplane to catch a few people killing some raccoons? We throw money at things like this and then wring our hands trying to figure out "where oh where can we find enough money to fund allowable growth at 2%?" (That's education funding for those of you who don't know what allowable growth is.) WTF.
What the fuck people of Facebook Swap...you never cease to amaze me. One particular poster was asking for help in finding her missing cat. She assumes it got out because, "My two male cats have torn the vents apart in order to get outside..they wanted out that bad." My WTF is two-fold with this one. WTF are you doing to those cats that they want to escape so badly? Secondly WTF are you doing with house cats who tear the vents out of your walls? Are you certain they aren't bobcats? Let the fuckers stay outside.
I know there are many more things making me say WTF...but I have to go to work now..I shall return.