I'm just gonna lay it out there....

Don't you dare bitch about the fact that your "insert club name/community organization" doesn't get any news in the paper when I try to REPEATEDLY call you and you don't answer or return my phone call. ESPECIALLY, when I leave you my cell number....bitch please, I have called your cell phone six times, leaving messages each time WITH my office and cell phone number...return the call or STFU when your info is left out of the paper.
I'm sorry, but I am not Trayvon Martin...is it sad that a child is dead...yes it is. But protesting and looting in Oakland, CA is proving nothing. The slogan "I am Trayvon Martin", proves nothing. While it's completely plausible that he did nothing wrong, a lot of teenagers now a day are, shall we say, less than respectful. I could see where TM puffed up his chest, mouthed off a little and tried to be a "big man" when approached. Does that give George Zimmerman the right to do what he did? Bitch please, no it did not..but the fact of the matter is the case was muddied water from the get go and unfortunately, the prosecution did not clean up the muddy water. We can all assume what happened, based on what we've seen in the media, but none of us know and none of us served on the jury...PLEASE move on to the next story. The biggest question I have is why the state of Florida only has six jurors on its jury and not 12....?
Can you imagine what things would have been like if social media would have been around when the OJ trial occurred? Bitch please, ain't nobody got time for that shit.....
Okay, so the Iowa Supreme Court, for a second time, looked at the case of Melissa Nelson was was fired, basically because bossman's wifey was jealous. She sued because she thought that it was discrimination. Okay, first things first, Iowa is a right to work state, meaning, you can be fired for any reason at anytime. Yes, I understand that you still cannot be discriminated against, as in, she could not be fired for being female, Asain, disabled, etc., any PROTECTED classification. I'm sorry, last I checked, "irresistible" was not a protected classification, neither is fugly. Had she been fired just for having a vagina, that would be one thing, however, bossman hired a "less irresistible vagina" to replace Ms.Nelson, so it's not that the Dr. had a thing against hiring ladies, just this particular one. The fact that Ms. Nelson went on Tosh.0 to poke fun at her self and the situation, gives her less ammo in my opinion....you can't have  your cake and eat it too Melissa, either your serious about your lawsuit, or you want your 15 minutes of fame and your time with Tosh....bitch please, you aren't even irresistible.
Yes, I did just purchase a half gallon of ice cream, a package of toilet paper and some KY....bitch please, don't judge, perhaps Sunday nights at your house are more interesting than mine....

Feeling lost

I've not blogged in nearly a month...I would bet you're feeling lost without me, aren't you? So, let's get right down to it...
The George Zimmerman/Trayvon Martin case...I DON'T CARE!!! PLEASE MSN, stop asking me if I want to watch the trial live...
There is a parasite found on fresh vegetables that is causing diarrhea that lasts 57 days...Dear Sweet Baby Jesus, those poor people. If I have diarrhea for 15 minutes I am unbearable to be around and am trying to find Jack Kevorkian's cell number, I could not imagine 57 days..that would be the shits...(pun intended).
Congress continues to get more and more worthless, (if that is even possible). A split farm bill is passed, by the house, without food stamps. It must be "meshed" with the Senate version and the President has already said he will veto it...SO, WHY ARE WE WASTING OUR TIME WITH THIS? I understand years ago, there was a valid reason for including food stamps in the farm bill, I think those reasons are moot now. (Other than city dwellers are idiots and in order for them to say yes to anything that may help rural america, we have to spoon feed them things like, food stamps.) Food stamps or SNAP, as the program is officially called, accounts for 80% of the money in the farm bill, actual farm and agriculture related matters only account for 20% so, in theory, splitting it was not a bad idea, as the food stamp issue is what is holding up the passage of the bill. As I've stated before, SNAP needs major reform and instead of just continuing to hand out more and more and more, we need to get to the core of why these people are in the position they are in. If you are elderly or disabled, by all means, you should get assistance. If you decided to have a baby or join a gang at age 16 and drop out of high school, why should I have to pay for your bad decision?
The Des Moines Register profiled Iowans on SNAP and one of those featured was a mother of five who worked 32 hours a week at Wal-Mart and was a full time student at DMACC. I commend her for working, going to school and raising her kids, that shit is hard, HOWEVER, no mention of any of the kids' father(s) was ever made, and it was noted that at age 17 she moved out of her mother's home with her two children, to start her own life....I'm sorry, but, again, piss poor decision making led her to where   she is today. Kudos for trying to further yourself with an education, but, your five children are not MY responsibility. If that makes me heartless and lacking in compassion, so be it.
I am completely and utterly obsessed with Robin Thicke's "Blurred Lines"...it's my "lady jam."  And, if my horribly lame reference to the movie "Pitch Perfect" makes me horribly lame, so be it.

Speaking of music...why is it if more than one solo artist teams up in the country music genre it is considered a duet? For example, Jason Aldean and Kelly Clarkson "Don't you Want to Stay?", Johnny Cash and June Carter Cash, "Jackson."Duets, both names listed with equal billing. With R&B, Hip Hop, etc. it is always one artist FEATURING, so and so...and you will notice very few r&B hip hop/etc artists can manage to record a song on their own these days. If you look at Bilboard's Top 100, I would bet 10 of the top 15 have someone "featured."

Oh and on the topic of obsessions, I am horrifically obsessed with the show Breaking Bad....I just discovered it this year and am seriously going to go into a deep depression when it ends this fall....love me some Heisenberg...

Direction challenged...

North....as in West. North West. Are you fucking kidding me? No, I know this is not a joke I mean we are talking about a talentless hack masquerading as a rap star who has an ego the size of Saturn and another talentless hack whore who got famous by making naughty movies and using the (ummm how shall I put this delicately.....) exit as an entrance....

I could not let my blogger life continue without making some sort of comment on that one, now could I? Today is going to be another one of my random days...I shall make comments on a bunch of random things that are rambling through my head or that are bugging the shit out of me.

Paula Deen is a 60-some year old white woman who has lived her entire life in the south...why are any of us surprised that she has used the "N" word before? Further more, why do we care? Yeah, racism sucks, but WHY is this news???? To be quite honest, I was more disturbed by the article on MSN yesterday on celebrity baby daddies...out of the 39 different ones listed, there were probably less than 10 that were white...most of those listed were black professional athletes..one who has fathered 14 children with 11 different baby mamas....go ahead call me racist, but when you continue to live a stereotype I will continue to think of you and label you as such.

New Jersey is trying make "trash-talking" during sporting events illegal....again more pussification of the current generation. So instead of some banter between the linemen, are they supposed to hug, hold hands and blow each other kisses across the line? Come on, talk about a waste of legislation and congressional time. While I contend bullying can be a serious issue, if your child is going to be permanently scarred by the trash talking received from an opponent he may never, or at the very least, only see a handful of times throughout his life, you need to cut the cord and take him out of his bubble.

I know this is hard for some people to understand, but sometimes two different words mean the same thing! Take foerexample castrated and neutered. They mean the same thing....in fact when you look up the definition of neutered it says castrated....its something that happens a lot in the English language. Maybe some other day we will talk about how words that can mean different things, even though they are spelled exactly the same!! #gobacktogradeschoolandpayattentionthistime

Could just once, and I do mean once, the children listen to what the mother asks them to do and then do it? Today is Friday. Last Saturday I asked child number two to pick up the porch. On Monday I asked child number one to remove his suitcase from the living room. On Wednesday I asked child number two to fold the laundry and put it away. The porch is still a shit show, the suitcase technically has been removed from the living room, but is now in the dining room and the laundry pile has grown from manageable into looking like it's the back room of the Goodwill Store...

No small miracle

I continue to be amazed at the fact that my generation and the ones before me made it to adulthood. Not a day goes by that I am not reminded that making it beyond age 18 its akin to seeing Jesus in my dog's asshairs....

I mean, how did I not contract some sort of life threatening disease or defect without bottled water, a little bottle of hand sanitizer and organic strawberries?  By all rights I should have had DHS called on my Grandmother when she and I went to the strawberry patch and I ate the strawberries fresh from the garden without dousing myself in hand sanitizer or asking whether or not a pesticide was used on the berry. She certainly should have been hauled in when I asked for a drink of water and she directed me to the hydrant instead of handing me a bottle of water chilled to 34 degrees and sealed with plastic.

How any of us managed to make it through Red Cross swimming lessons without nose plugs, goggles, ear plugs and sunscreen is truly an act of God....it didn't matter that we were tossed into the pool at 9 a.m. even when it was cloudy and 64 degrees out, we should have sued for emancipation from our parents because we didn't have nose plugs and water got up our noses.

I was not breast fed, my mother did not make her own baby food for me and I'm quite certain, cereal was put in my bottle and whole milk and solids were introduced before the "expert recommendation." How did I not die in infancy and why do I have brain cells that function?

It's really laughable that any of us old Exira Flying Hooves or Bunkhouse Gang members still exist today because the only thing you wore on your head when you were on the back of a horse was a Cowboy hat, the way God and John Wayne intended...A helmet? Are you fucking kidding me?

Its' truly marvelous that we managed to get high school diplomas, were able to decipher our ACT tests and were admitted to colleges when we were forced to take out semester tests AFTER Christmas break. OH THE HORROR of it all! That was also the time when each class and each teacher designed a semester exam. It was no 30 question open book test. It was a 10-12 page long exam that took the entire 90-120 minutes that it was scheduled to take. 

My generation swam in lakes and ponds without thinking twice about what might or might not be in the water. We ate hot dogs cold and drank milk warm. We shared one bottle of pop without thinking of what germs someone else may have.

 Picking mulberries straight off the tree and seeing how many you could eat before mom caught you, guilty and purple fingered, was a rite of passage.

Our school lunch ladies prided themselves on their baking skills and there was nothing better than cinnamon roll day at lunch. We didn't have to have an equal amount of orange and green vegetables on our trays and whole grains were unheard of...how did we not die of malnutrition?

We were immunized without question. 

We had try outs and some times your role on the team was bench warmer. We didn't all get trophies, or blue ribbons or passing grades. If the effort was not put in, you were not rewarded for "just trying." 

The more I think back on it, the more flabbergasted I become...I should start looking for Jesus in asshairs more often...finding that may be simpler than finding the answers to these questions....

How, pray tell, did we make it through the unfairness of it all?

OMG...people, really? REALLY?

Where is Melinda Alt, with a well placed "seriously" when I need her?
People, society, friends...can we all just get the fuck over ourselves? GAH...we have become so self absorbed and offended by anything and everything that we seriously need a wake the fuck up call.
I posted a meme that talked about how most people put their hair up, put their sweat pants on and take their bra off to relax, while others do that to go to Wal Mart...its meant to be a joke...You would not believe the people who are offended by that and those who have the gall to say, "people should be able to wear whatever they want to Wal-mart and not be judged. You don't know what they are going through in life." Excuse me? WTF...where do these people come from? Sure, judgmental people suck but you know what? Having no self respect sucks too....I don't need to see you wear your sweat pants with the hole in the crotch out in public...I also don't need to see your pajama pants and your floppy boobies hanging down to your waist while you shop for your tater tots, inflatable pool, Camel non filters and Garnier platinum blonde hair dye....I don't need you to wear a formal or a suit, I know how putting shoes on must pain you, so I will settle for clean yoga pants and a sports bra versus your Tweety bird jammies....
Here's another one...a guy takes his 11 year old to a BAR on Father's Day. (Now, I am not judging that part, as both of my children have been to a bar before... (GASP, I know, I am not in the running for parent of the year, I'm crushed.) The establishment served food and the dad asked for an exception to allow his child in.The bar granted the exception. The child then proceeded to "create his own menu item" filled with variances from the menu and special instructions. When the waitress put "fucking needy children" on their ticket and didn't delete it, the dad did what any 2013 era father would do...he reported it to CNN....SERIOUSLY?
Yes, the waitress should not have written that on the ticket, even if it was the case, HOWEVER, Daddy Dearest, you CHOSE to take your son to a BAR, therefore putting him in an adult environment. You LET him be a pain in the ass when ordering, instead of simply saying, "You know what? We will take the chicken strips and fries and adapt." Further more, DAD, you could have simply stiffed her on the tip, got your meal comped and complained to management. That is what normal people do...but instead you went to CNN? Are you Fucking kidding me? Here's what I think I'll do....I will take my 9 year old to Ossy's (they serve food) and then when the guy next to me is getting a lap dance and some of the dancer's boob sweat flies in my direction I will go straight to 60 Minutes and claim that my child has been scarred for life. (Now, seriously, what the waitress did wasn't cool, but this Dad, in my opinion, is a fucktard. You want to watch the game and grab a burger with your kid? Applebees is right down the street....)
Hmmmpfff.....I'm already exhausted at the stupidity....

Let's get a few things straight

first off, feminine hygiene product companies, never ONCE have I considered frolicking on a beach in a gauzy white dress while on my period.
To the gazillion companies making erectile dysfunction medications and expounding the possible side effects. If he has an erection that lasts longer than four hours, chances are I will need the emergency room, not him...
As I stated earlier this week, the black man jamming out to Taylor Swift in his car does not exist. It is purely fictional...I dare you to find a man or a person of any sex over the age of 15 jamming to Taylor Swift while in a car. IF in fact you do find that person, it is more than likely a parent taking one for the team and listening to it for the happiness of their child. And be warned, while they are listening to it, they are waiting for the proper opportunity to drive into a bridge in order to end the endless "We are Never, ever, ever, Heather, Trevor, clever, sever, getting back together."
Again, this was aforementioned...animated bears with chunks of toilet paper clinging to their asses does not make me want to purchase Charmin...toilet paper commercials should show a picture of a roll of toilet paper with the caption that says, "This shit for your shit." It doesn't matter the brand, if its triple ply, twice quilted or scented with the essence of fairies....its shit paper.
Even tho I will admit to listening to it (frankly for the taking one for the team thing) if I were Joe Diffie I would bitch slap Jason Aldean...

It's been a while

and now I am singing the song by Staind, and roughly half of you are too...any way, it's been far too long since I have roamed through the barnyard with you guys. I'm sure you're getting withdrawals. So, what has been happening in the barnyard? Shit, mostly. Like the saying goes, it happens and happen it has at my house...as some of you may have seen, what I thought was rain water in my basement turned out to be a full blown sewage back up....p-fucking-u....thanking sweet baby Jesus in his golden fleece diapers that I do not have a full out finished man cave, merely one with the waterproof wall board and cement floors.
After wet vacc-ing the mess up not once, not twice, but three times and then using six gallons of bleach and tossing anything that was on the floor out to burn, we are back to normalcy and the slight shitrus scent wafting in the air has been eliminated. (Even after six gallons of bleach, two cans of febreeze and the scentsy pots going 24-7 I still think I can smell lemon scented shit.)
In the midst of the shit show, we (I shouldn't say we, as I and the kids had nothing to do with it, but we sounds better) moved the cattle to the pasture, leaving Fredrick Guggenheimer, the bottle calf, to his own devices. He now thinks he is part dog. Or perhaps Stewie the coon hound thinks he's part Angus. Either way, the two have bonded and are now hanging out, which means Black Freddy (one of Fredrick Guggenheimer's nicknames) is out of his pen every morning chilling with the dogs in the yard. Drew is trying to give his pen the Fort Knox treatment as I type.
Let's see what else? Oh yes, the playground at the elementary school is being torn down and replaced. This subject has my asshairs all knotty. Yes, it sucks to see it go. Yes, it was unique. Yes, the community took great pride in building it 20 years ago. I myself took part in the construction.
I am not delusional enough to think that people live and die by and read every word of the newspaper I work for, but it HAS been publicized, for the past 18 months. It has been discussed at nearly every school board meeting for the past 18 months and there have been public meetings held by the Board to show the plans and to take input. The final one of those meetings was held Dec. 17, before the final stamp on the plans was given. Less than a handful of people attended. As I have said, reading about it coming and then actually seeing it happen are two very different things.
I am in total agreement that it looks like hell right now, BUT here's where I get a little irritated. Do you honestly think that they will not replace it with ANYTHING? "Sorry kids we are tearing out your playground and replacing it with nothing...recess has been cancelled."
Come on...think for a second. Here's the other part of the equation...what do the kids think? Yeah, my nine year old is sad to see it go, but is just as excited to see the newly finished playground because kids like new shit....will it be the same, oh hell no. But, what in this world is? Change happens and we have to adapt to it, as much as it may suck. And fair warning: the next person who calls my office and asks if I know whats happening will get my foot up their ass...
Hmmm...what else...summer insanity is in full swing...the last of three straight weekends of cattle shows is happening this weekend, golf for Jaci started, tennis starts next week, summer theatre the week after that, then it's Haiti and a back surgery...phew...I need a drink just thinking of it all.