Someone get a pitchfork

the shit is getting deep here in the barnyard. I realize it's been nearly a month since I've blogged, so let me try to fill in the blanks on what I've been doing before we get down to business. I'll try to keep it short and sweet.
County Fair, friends, fun, debauchery, goat herding and steer jocking,  LLC's, resignations, golf, Heidi braids, anticipation, State Fair, Bud tent, trophies, ribbons, more debauchery and blisters. You see why shit has been backing up?
OK, so how now Butter Cow?  How about a giant F-U Animal Liberation Organization or whoever the hell you are...talk about the back firing of a stunt. You vandalize a piece of art work that has been the symbol of the state fair since 1911 and hope to make a point. Well, point made...your point is you're a bunch of junior high fucktards. The fair had the mess cleaned up and re-opened before your e-mail and photo even reached the DM Register. The lines to see the cow are longer than ever before, the Blue Ribbon Foundation is selling "Butter Cow Security" t-shirts by the assload and your little group and its anti-meat agenda is losing credibility faster than Paula Deen lost endorsement deals.
Now, I know I've said this before but the true fucktards (sorry, its one of my favorite words) of society live on Facebook comment pages. Search WHO-TV, KCCI, or the Register's Facebook pages for their coverage of the Butter Cow and read some of the comments coming from the anti-ag establishment. They are so misinformed and uneducated its laughable. Animal abuse or cruelty is not a good thing. It's something I and 99.9% of the agriculture community abhor and fight against. Stupidity is not a good thing either and for someone to say that, and I quote, "Dairy cows are repeatedly raped before their babies are stolen from their chest and their breast milk is stolen for selfish human consumption," is the epitome of stupid.
 There are so many errors in this statement that I shall start with the obvious ones. First off, the chest of a cow is between her front legs, an area that calves seldom hang out in. Second, Cows don't have breasts, they have udders, which are found between their back legs. Next issue, repeatedly raped....how do you even approach this one...Yes, gangs of Holstein bulls run rampant gang raping the cows in their herds. Cows come into heat or ovulate just like other mammals, the bulls know this and do their business. (Here's a shocker...the cows even 'stand' and take it, because its nature people.) The cow then gestates, has her baby roughly nine months later. Lather, rinse, repeat. Its what ALL animals do...even the ones we don't eat. In fact, I used to have a mama cat who would eat her own babies after having them because she wanted to come back into heat sooner....(hence we called her a whore cat, but that's another story for another day.) Now for my last point of contention..breast milk is stolen, I already covered the breast part, but for the stealing of the milk issue...how many nursing mothers have ever gone too long without nursing or pumping? How many of you have had mastitis? Milk cows produce FAR more milk than a calf could ever drink and if they are not milked it can be excruciatingly painful for them. But then you anti-meat people like that don't you? You are the same ones that think its bad to give animals medicine and antibiotics when they are sick or hurting. (Another topic for another day.)
If you don't want to eat meat, or meat by-products, for whatever reason, that is your business. It's something I don't understand and don't agree with, but we can agree to disagree, if you respect my views and my livelihood, I can respect yours. HOWEVER, I would encourage you, before spouting off nonsense like I quoted above, you actually spend time with a livestock producer. Go visit a cattle farm, or a hog operation, or a dairy farm, and see what actually happens there, instead of just reading something on the internet....pulling a prank at the great state fair to get attention will never garner respect. It only reiterates what fools you truly are.

Feeling like Fallon

I feel like Jimmy Fallon when he writes his "Thank You Notes" segment each time I have one of my "Dear" postings...it's worked for Jimmy, so far, I think, it works for me too.

Dear Swap Site People, When posting that you are "ISO River Ruckus tickets"how many times does one need to reply "tickets are still available at midwest.com or at the grocery store in Guthrie" before you fucking pay attention? P.S. Why is it that we who do not live in Carroll or Atlantic are expected to drive to you, but you never make an effort to leave your zip code?

Dear Des Moines Register/WHO/KCCI, can we go one day without posting something that gets people all riled up about either the President or the Governor? Just one day. Let's get riled up about something better, or more original like Jennifer Aniston's latest hairstyle, or the fact that Breaking Bad is in it's final season. I am really tired of the same old arguments from both sides praising or lambasting and calling those who have different opinions brainless.

Dear swimsuit bottoms, next time you decide to hide from me, take the pair of black SPANX with you so I don't get confused....I mean I knew I wasn't swimsuit model material, but no fucking wonder I looked so weird yesterday when I put you on....

Dear national media, Here are the list of things I do not want to hear another word about: Trayvon Martin and George Zimmerman, gay marriage or lack thereof, breastfeeding in public, Justin Beiber, and Kate Middleton's pregnancy (that now will take care of itself shortly, I think the media hit rock bottom when the term "royal loins" were used to describe where the baby would come from.) These topics are becoming nauseating in the different spins each media outlet tries to put on them. I don't mean to say that some of these things are not important issues, its just getting to be a bit much....if there is a NEW development or NEW subject that pertains to marriage rights (I use this term rather than gay marriage or straight marriage) then please share it with us, regurgitating the same stories is getting annoying. And I'm sorry, but President Obama, will be be commenting on EVERY tragic death of a teenager, or just this one in particular?

Dear "STUDIES" and "Polls" until you include me or, anyone I know for that matter, in one of your studies or polls, I call bullshit on whatever you find...

I'm just gonna lay it out there....

Don't you dare bitch about the fact that your "insert club name/community organization" doesn't get any news in the paper when I try to REPEATEDLY call you and you don't answer or return my phone call. ESPECIALLY, when I leave you my cell number....bitch please, I have called your cell phone six times, leaving messages each time WITH my office and cell phone number...return the call or STFU when your info is left out of the paper.
I'm sorry, but I am not Trayvon Martin...is it sad that a child is dead...yes it is. But protesting and looting in Oakland, CA is proving nothing. The slogan "I am Trayvon Martin", proves nothing. While it's completely plausible that he did nothing wrong, a lot of teenagers now a day are, shall we say, less than respectful. I could see where TM puffed up his chest, mouthed off a little and tried to be a "big man" when approached. Does that give George Zimmerman the right to do what he did? Bitch please, no it did not..but the fact of the matter is the case was muddied water from the get go and unfortunately, the prosecution did not clean up the muddy water. We can all assume what happened, based on what we've seen in the media, but none of us know and none of us served on the jury...PLEASE move on to the next story. The biggest question I have is why the state of Florida only has six jurors on its jury and not 12....?
Can you imagine what things would have been like if social media would have been around when the OJ trial occurred? Bitch please, ain't nobody got time for that shit.....
Okay, so the Iowa Supreme Court, for a second time, looked at the case of Melissa Nelson was was fired, basically because bossman's wifey was jealous. She sued because she thought that it was discrimination. Okay, first things first, Iowa is a right to work state, meaning, you can be fired for any reason at anytime. Yes, I understand that you still cannot be discriminated against, as in, she could not be fired for being female, Asain, disabled, etc., any PROTECTED classification. I'm sorry, last I checked, "irresistible" was not a protected classification, neither is fugly. Had she been fired just for having a vagina, that would be one thing, however, bossman hired a "less irresistible vagina" to replace Ms.Nelson, so it's not that the Dr. had a thing against hiring ladies, just this particular one. The fact that Ms. Nelson went on Tosh.0 to poke fun at her self and the situation, gives her less ammo in my opinion....you can't have  your cake and eat it too Melissa, either your serious about your lawsuit, or you want your 15 minutes of fame and your time with Tosh....bitch please, you aren't even irresistible.
Yes, I did just purchase a half gallon of ice cream, a package of toilet paper and some KY....bitch please, don't judge, perhaps Sunday nights at your house are more interesting than mine....

Feeling lost

I've not blogged in nearly a month...I would bet you're feeling lost without me, aren't you? So, let's get right down to it...
The George Zimmerman/Trayvon Martin case...I DON'T CARE!!! PLEASE MSN, stop asking me if I want to watch the trial live...
There is a parasite found on fresh vegetables that is causing diarrhea that lasts 57 days...Dear Sweet Baby Jesus, those poor people. If I have diarrhea for 15 minutes I am unbearable to be around and am trying to find Jack Kevorkian's cell number, I could not imagine 57 days..that would be the shits...(pun intended).
Congress continues to get more and more worthless, (if that is even possible). A split farm bill is passed, by the house, without food stamps. It must be "meshed" with the Senate version and the President has already said he will veto it...SO, WHY ARE WE WASTING OUR TIME WITH THIS? I understand years ago, there was a valid reason for including food stamps in the farm bill, I think those reasons are moot now. (Other than city dwellers are idiots and in order for them to say yes to anything that may help rural america, we have to spoon feed them things like, food stamps.) Food stamps or SNAP, as the program is officially called, accounts for 80% of the money in the farm bill, actual farm and agriculture related matters only account for 20% so, in theory, splitting it was not a bad idea, as the food stamp issue is what is holding up the passage of the bill. As I've stated before, SNAP needs major reform and instead of just continuing to hand out more and more and more, we need to get to the core of why these people are in the position they are in. If you are elderly or disabled, by all means, you should get assistance. If you decided to have a baby or join a gang at age 16 and drop out of high school, why should I have to pay for your bad decision?
The Des Moines Register profiled Iowans on SNAP and one of those featured was a mother of five who worked 32 hours a week at Wal-Mart and was a full time student at DMACC. I commend her for working, going to school and raising her kids, that shit is hard, HOWEVER, no mention of any of the kids' father(s) was ever made, and it was noted that at age 17 she moved out of her mother's home with her two children, to start her own life....I'm sorry, but, again, piss poor decision making led her to where   she is today. Kudos for trying to further yourself with an education, but, your five children are not MY responsibility. If that makes me heartless and lacking in compassion, so be it.
I am completely and utterly obsessed with Robin Thicke's "Blurred Lines"...it's my "lady jam."  And, if my horribly lame reference to the movie "Pitch Perfect" makes me horribly lame, so be it.

Speaking of music...why is it if more than one solo artist teams up in the country music genre it is considered a duet? For example, Jason Aldean and Kelly Clarkson "Don't you Want to Stay?", Johnny Cash and June Carter Cash, "Jackson."Duets, both names listed with equal billing. With R&B, Hip Hop, etc. it is always one artist FEATURING, so and so...and you will notice very few r&B hip hop/etc artists can manage to record a song on their own these days. If you look at Bilboard's Top 100, I would bet 10 of the top 15 have someone "featured."

Oh and on the topic of obsessions, I am horrifically obsessed with the show Breaking Bad....I just discovered it this year and am seriously going to go into a deep depression when it ends this fall....love me some Heisenberg...

Direction challenged...

North....as in West. North West. Are you fucking kidding me? No, I know this is not a joke I mean we are talking about a talentless hack masquerading as a rap star who has an ego the size of Saturn and another talentless hack whore who got famous by making naughty movies and using the (ummm how shall I put this delicately.....) exit as an entrance....

I could not let my blogger life continue without making some sort of comment on that one, now could I? Today is going to be another one of my random days...I shall make comments on a bunch of random things that are rambling through my head or that are bugging the shit out of me.

Paula Deen is a 60-some year old white woman who has lived her entire life in the south...why are any of us surprised that she has used the "N" word before? Further more, why do we care? Yeah, racism sucks, but WHY is this news???? To be quite honest, I was more disturbed by the article on MSN yesterday on celebrity baby daddies...out of the 39 different ones listed, there were probably less than 10 that were white...most of those listed were black professional athletes..one who has fathered 14 children with 11 different baby mamas....go ahead call me racist, but when you continue to live a stereotype I will continue to think of you and label you as such.

New Jersey is trying make "trash-talking" during sporting events illegal....again more pussification of the current generation. So instead of some banter between the linemen, are they supposed to hug, hold hands and blow each other kisses across the line? Come on, talk about a waste of legislation and congressional time. While I contend bullying can be a serious issue, if your child is going to be permanently scarred by the trash talking received from an opponent he may never, or at the very least, only see a handful of times throughout his life, you need to cut the cord and take him out of his bubble.

I know this is hard for some people to understand, but sometimes two different words mean the same thing! Take foerexample castrated and neutered. They mean the same thing....in fact when you look up the definition of neutered it says castrated....its something that happens a lot in the English language. Maybe some other day we will talk about how words that can mean different things, even though they are spelled exactly the same!! #gobacktogradeschoolandpayattentionthistime

Could just once, and I do mean once, the children listen to what the mother asks them to do and then do it? Today is Friday. Last Saturday I asked child number two to pick up the porch. On Monday I asked child number one to remove his suitcase from the living room. On Wednesday I asked child number two to fold the laundry and put it away. The porch is still a shit show, the suitcase technically has been removed from the living room, but is now in the dining room and the laundry pile has grown from manageable into looking like it's the back room of the Goodwill Store...

No small miracle

I continue to be amazed at the fact that my generation and the ones before me made it to adulthood. Not a day goes by that I am not reminded that making it beyond age 18 its akin to seeing Jesus in my dog's asshairs....

I mean, how did I not contract some sort of life threatening disease or defect without bottled water, a little bottle of hand sanitizer and organic strawberries?  By all rights I should have had DHS called on my Grandmother when she and I went to the strawberry patch and I ate the strawberries fresh from the garden without dousing myself in hand sanitizer or asking whether or not a pesticide was used on the berry. She certainly should have been hauled in when I asked for a drink of water and she directed me to the hydrant instead of handing me a bottle of water chilled to 34 degrees and sealed with plastic.

How any of us managed to make it through Red Cross swimming lessons without nose plugs, goggles, ear plugs and sunscreen is truly an act of God....it didn't matter that we were tossed into the pool at 9 a.m. even when it was cloudy and 64 degrees out, we should have sued for emancipation from our parents because we didn't have nose plugs and water got up our noses.

I was not breast fed, my mother did not make her own baby food for me and I'm quite certain, cereal was put in my bottle and whole milk and solids were introduced before the "expert recommendation." How did I not die in infancy and why do I have brain cells that function?

It's really laughable that any of us old Exira Flying Hooves or Bunkhouse Gang members still exist today because the only thing you wore on your head when you were on the back of a horse was a Cowboy hat, the way God and John Wayne intended...A helmet? Are you fucking kidding me?

Its' truly marvelous that we managed to get high school diplomas, were able to decipher our ACT tests and were admitted to colleges when we were forced to take out semester tests AFTER Christmas break. OH THE HORROR of it all! That was also the time when each class and each teacher designed a semester exam. It was no 30 question open book test. It was a 10-12 page long exam that took the entire 90-120 minutes that it was scheduled to take. 

My generation swam in lakes and ponds without thinking twice about what might or might not be in the water. We ate hot dogs cold and drank milk warm. We shared one bottle of pop without thinking of what germs someone else may have.

 Picking mulberries straight off the tree and seeing how many you could eat before mom caught you, guilty and purple fingered, was a rite of passage.

Our school lunch ladies prided themselves on their baking skills and there was nothing better than cinnamon roll day at lunch. We didn't have to have an equal amount of orange and green vegetables on our trays and whole grains were unheard of...how did we not die of malnutrition?

We were immunized without question. 

We had try outs and some times your role on the team was bench warmer. We didn't all get trophies, or blue ribbons or passing grades. If the effort was not put in, you were not rewarded for "just trying." 

The more I think back on it, the more flabbergasted I become...I should start looking for Jesus in asshairs more often...finding that may be simpler than finding the answers to these questions....

How, pray tell, did we make it through the unfairness of it all?

OMG...people, really? REALLY?

Where is Melinda Alt, with a well placed "seriously" when I need her?
People, society, friends...can we all just get the fuck over ourselves? GAH...we have become so self absorbed and offended by anything and everything that we seriously need a wake the fuck up call.
I posted a meme that talked about how most people put their hair up, put their sweat pants on and take their bra off to relax, while others do that to go to Wal Mart...its meant to be a joke...You would not believe the people who are offended by that and those who have the gall to say, "people should be able to wear whatever they want to Wal-mart and not be judged. You don't know what they are going through in life." Excuse me? WTF...where do these people come from? Sure, judgmental people suck but you know what? Having no self respect sucks too....I don't need to see you wear your sweat pants with the hole in the crotch out in public...I also don't need to see your pajama pants and your floppy boobies hanging down to your waist while you shop for your tater tots, inflatable pool, Camel non filters and Garnier platinum blonde hair dye....I don't need you to wear a formal or a suit, I know how putting shoes on must pain you, so I will settle for clean yoga pants and a sports bra versus your Tweety bird jammies....
Here's another one...a guy takes his 11 year old to a BAR on Father's Day. (Now, I am not judging that part, as both of my children have been to a bar before... (GASP, I know, I am not in the running for parent of the year, I'm crushed.) The establishment served food and the dad asked for an exception to allow his child in.The bar granted the exception. The child then proceeded to "create his own menu item" filled with variances from the menu and special instructions. When the waitress put "fucking needy children" on their ticket and didn't delete it, the dad did what any 2013 era father would do...he reported it to CNN....SERIOUSLY?
Yes, the waitress should not have written that on the ticket, even if it was the case, HOWEVER, Daddy Dearest, you CHOSE to take your son to a BAR, therefore putting him in an adult environment. You LET him be a pain in the ass when ordering, instead of simply saying, "You know what? We will take the chicken strips and fries and adapt." Further more, DAD, you could have simply stiffed her on the tip, got your meal comped and complained to management. That is what normal people do...but instead you went to CNN? Are you Fucking kidding me? Here's what I think I'll do....I will take my 9 year old to Ossy's (they serve food) and then when the guy next to me is getting a lap dance and some of the dancer's boob sweat flies in my direction I will go straight to 60 Minutes and claim that my child has been scarred for life. (Now, seriously, what the waitress did wasn't cool, but this Dad, in my opinion, is a fucktard. You want to watch the game and grab a burger with your kid? Applebees is right down the street....)
Hmmmpfff.....I'm already exhausted at the stupidity....